Hey. How’s it goin’? Cool. Just wanted to start off kinda, you know… casual, since I’m

bisexual and that usually freaks people out.

 

So to put you more at ease, why don’t I answer a few common questions about bisexuality? OK? It’s time to play "Ask The Bi Guy"!

Do you like being called ‘bisexual’?

  • Well, it does sound a little too clinical—"All bisexuals report to the processing center"—what about calling me, ‘Donny and Marie", since I’m a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll? Or my Native American name—Dances With Anyone? To be honest I just think of myself as a…people person.
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    Do you think labels are misleading?

  • I’ll say! I was watching the news cover a protest march, and they said "Coming up next, a lesbian demonstration." And I’m thinking, "Cool, I always wondered how those work!"
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    Aren’t bisexuals just greedy?

    What about the criticism from the gay community that bisexuals are just ‘confused’ and ‘going through a phase.’ Or how about the criticism that bisexuals get their kicks in the gay scene and then go back to the safety of their straight lives, or the idea that—

  • Whoa, calm down! I’m not saying that SOME bisexuals aren’t confused, or that some SOME bisexuals won’t end up calling themselves gay. But the ‘phase’ I’m in has lasted about twenty-five years, and the only thing that confuses me is how a community that wants freedom of sexual expression can say shit to me about who I sleep with. And as far as ‘safety’ is concerned, if I leave a gay club with a gay friend, Mr. Fagbasher probably won't bother to see if sometimes I have sex "the way God intended."
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    As a representative of the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transexual and transgendered community, don’t you think religious fundamentalists have the right to interrupt your parades with protests?

  • Sure, as long as we can interrupt church services with show tunes. I do wish they would think about what they’re saying. I was at a Pride Parade where a group of Christian fanatics was yelling "Get on your knees and repent your sins!" Maybe it’s me, but I thought getting on my knees led to my sins…
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    If someone is bisexual, he or she obviously can’t be monogamous. How can you have ANY kind of relationship?

  • First of all, it’s not like I’m screwing every Tom, Dick and Mary I see. I just think of sex as a Chinese menu, where I might order one item from column A and one from column B, but that doesn’t mean I eat them at the same time. Secondly, there actually have been reports recently of heterosexuals who aren’t monogamous. It’s just like the idiots who say "I’ve got nothin’ against your gays and lesbians (always a bad start to a sentence) I just don’t want them to be parents!" Yeah, I guess that’s because heterosexual parents are always compassionate and nurturing (can you say Andrea Yates?).
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    So are you in a relationship now?

  • Right now? Uh……no. But I recently ended a three-year relationship. Not one I was involved in—I just forced a couple of annoying cute friends to break up.
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    I’m a homophobe, and I can’t figure bisexuals out. Are you one of them, or one of us? Is it o.k. to hate you as much as I hate gay people?

    Are you people always recruiting? Don’t you really want everyone to be gay? And what do you feel about outing?

  • Actually, there are some people who I wish would stay IN the closet. Richard Simmons for example—I’m not sure I want him in our little club. Frankly, I’d like to believe Richard Simmons is just a really fucked up straight guy. And though we’re not recruiting, but I like to mess with homophobes by telling them that being queer is just a multi-level marketing scheme—I call it Amgay. If someone has a pink triangle on their car, it means they’ve converted ten new gay people, and if they have a rainbow flag, they’re a distributor!
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    But you always speak in your little gay code—how do I tell if someone’s, you know, making a move on me?

  • If you happen to be in a bar called, say, The Ramrod, or The Bitchy Queen, I suppose it’s possible, but we really don’t hit on straight boys as much as you’d think—and not everything we say has some hidden meaning. I was in the market with a friend and I asked if he wanted me to ‘push the cart’, and the guy flipped out—
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    How do you people find each other?

  • Despite what you may have heard, we don’t all know each other. Straight people think we have some sort of master list, because they’re always asking "Is he gay?" or "What about her—lesbian, right?" Of course it’s easier in a big city to find the ‘festive’ neighborhoods; if I’m in some town like White Trash, Alabama, and want to meet men who are into other men, I usually just go to the local Catholic Church.
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    Do you take part in Gay Pride?

  • Actually I was in my first Pride parade this year, on the bisexual float. You probably saw it—it was a lavishly decorated fence on wheels.
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    Do you think gays should serve in the military?

  • As a matter of fact, I think they should extend the ban to heterosexuals, and then there wouldn’t be anyone to fight wars—but that’s just me. 
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    What about government funding for your sick, perverted gay art?

  • Look, this shouldn’t even be an issue. If your local museum is showing pictures of what folks in Tennessee would call ‘nekkidy men kissin’ on each other,’ and you don’t want to see that type of thing… then don’t go to the Nekkidy Picture Wing of the museum! It’s not like they trick you into seeing this stuff, like some museum guard has a Mapplethorpe behind his back saying "Made you look!"

    • Since all homosexuals are promiscuous, aren’t gay bars really just glorified sex clubs?

  • Sadly, no. You might be surprised at the diversity of our nightclubs—I’ve even been to a gay country-western bar. Now there’s a natural—country music is known for it’s progressive social viewpoint. On the other hand, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a six foot tall guy in a prairie skirt scream "You go, Bubba!"
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    What is the most difficult thing about being bi?

  • Deciding what to watch on Monday night—pro football, or "Gossip Girl"?
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    GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE!