Mister Comedy

I think a good way to judge a new administration is by an equation I call the Contrition Differential Index. The CDI is a formula derived by dividing the number of announcements made by the number of apologies issued, then taking that number and multiplying it by the number of days since the election. Here’s an example:

Official Announcements From Team Obama: 15 (13 members of transition team, Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, and some rules about lobbyists)

Apologies: 2 (Obama to Nancy Reagan for implying she held seances, Emmanuel to the American Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee for a comment his father made)

Days Since Election: 10

CDI= (15/2) x 10=75

Of course, since I just invented this concept, I’m not sure if a CDI of 75 is good or bad. I am sure that, in American politics, apologies are being issued for some pretty insignificant transgressions. Let’s look at the meae culpae from the past two weeks.

Granted, for some inexplicable reason, Nancy Reagan is adored by millions of Americans (who have apparently forgotten that for most of her term as First Lady she was widely seen as a shrewish Machiavellian horoscope-consulting whack-job). But the seance thing was…what’s it called?…A JOKE! Who exactly was wronged by this? Nancy Reagan? The widow of the man who, AS A JOKE, said “We begin bombing in five minutes”? Please.

The Emmanuel apology was for a comment his father made to an Israeli newspaper, and yeah, the comment was insensitive and narrow-minded, but he was hardly speaking on behalf of the administration! I realize this isn’t a particularly good time to piss off the Arab world, but I’m pretty sure most Arab-Americans are able separate what somebody’s dad said from offical policy. Hell, I think we all can remember things Dad said that made us cringe, and we basically said ‘that’s just Dad.’

We, as a nation, need to adopt a new motto: ‘Let It Go’. Put it right on the coins, instead of ‘In God We Trust’ (I haven’t seen a Zogby poll on this, but I’m thinking there’s a lot fewer people who trust God now than there were in 1956 anyway). The problem with every aggrieved group demanding an apology for a perceived slight is that apologies are at risk of becoming meaningless. You flood a market with something, that something gets devalued.

I’m all for contrition, but let’s save it for the big stuff. Like this, after a recent air strike in Afghanistan:

“We do not know all the facts at this time but we will investigate this situation to get to the truth,” said Col. Greg Julian, the chief U.S. military spokesman in Afghanistan. “If we find that innocent people were killed in this incident, we apologize…”

Putting aside my pacifistic instinct to point out that fewer innocent people will be killed if we stop firing missiles at places where innocent people live, this at least is an apology for something significant. Not sure how well received it was by the families involved, but it’s a nice gesture.

I suppose I should start sending formal apologies:

Dear T-Mobile–

I offer my heartfelt apologies if I gave the impression I would be able to pay my phone bill last month. I deeply regret any harm I have caused your company.

I feel better already. And if I’ve hurt anyone’s feelings, I am truly sorry.

I mentioned yesterday that at the Obama transition website, you can actually apply for a job with the administration online. The more I think of it, this may not be a good idea. As much as I dig the fact that the highest level of government is now internet-savvy (finally catching up to….most eighth-graders), I’m thinking that jobs within a president’s administration should be filled in a more traditional way–maybe they should be filled by people the president is already familiar with. Sure, there might be some undiscovered policy genius who sends in an app (”Hmmm…I already applied at Kinko’s, but in case I don’t get that I should also apply for that job working with the president,”), but I’d be worried that some clerical error in the screening process would allow a bunch of unemployed Gap clerks to end up as undersecretaries of something-or-other (”Mom–great news–I finally got a job–yeah I’m gonna be in charge of something called Infrastructure…no, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing but I start in January”).

It has been mentioned that yesterday’s meeting between Bush and Obama was the earliest such post-election meeting in history. If I were George, I’d be in a hurry to wrap things up too.

“Well, Barack, there’s the red phone…you know where the Rose Garden is…hmmmm…what else?….oh, yeah we’re in two unwinnable wars that the public doesn’t support and the banking system is essentially broken and the auto industry is pretty much bankrupt and unemployment is at a five year high and we’ve got no clue where Bin Laden is and…well, anyhoo, I gotta get outta here–I got me a library to build.”

Thankfully, taxpayers won’t have to pay too much for a George W. Bush Presidential Library–hell, we could probably get by with a Presidential Bookmobile for this guy.

Taking a stand against the corrupt influence of corporations, the new administration has announced that lobbyists cannot work in the federal government. Well, in the field in which they lobbied. Well, if they lobbied within in the last year. Looks like we’re already gonna need a Department of Disclaimers. And speaking trying to have it both ways, Joe Lieberman (Traitor-CT) will probably be allowed to caucus with the Democrats, a decision based primarily on Lieberman’s irrelevance

One of the mantras of this transition has been “We only have one president at a time.” I’d argue that we have maybe half a president, and I really think that this artificial seventy-some day period before the new guy gets to move in is just an unnecessary throwback to an era when it took a long time for people in the new administration to get to the Capitol from different parts of the country. I say we give the president who’s leaving two weeks notice. Give him time to have one last press conference, send out some resumes, call a few buddies, and clean out his desk. Like I mentioned earlier, Bush would probably just as soon get out of town now, although I’m pretty sure it’s gonna take the jaws of life to pry Cheney’s hands off the levers of power.

I would have posted sooner, but I’ve been recovering from an election hangover. When I woke up Wednesday, I had to check online to make sure the Repugnicans hadn’t found some creative way to send this election into limbo (”Fox News reports that the Supreme Court has ruled that Ohio is not actually a state”).  Since I didn’t have a ticket to Obamapalooza in Grant Park, I watched the results with some friends at a gay bar. Talk about a conflicted vibe–”Obama’s won California!” “California hates us!” Watching an election in a gay bar wasn’t any different than watching it in any other kind of bar, except for that one priceless moment as Michelle and Barack walked onstage, and everyone in the bar was hushed, until one queen in the back said “What were you thinking with that dress, honey? Michelle needs more gay friends!”

Today the Bushes are hosting the Obamas at the White House, and I like to imagine Barack messing with W.’s head when they’re alone in the Oval Office. You know, just…making shit up. “So, George, I was thinking now that I’m here, would you mind helping me move that desk so I can face Mecca?” Or maybe, in the privacy of that moment, Georgie comes clean–”You know, B-Man, I realize it’s pronounced ‘nu-cle-ar,’ but I like to sound stupid to piss off my dad.”

Now that talk has turned to the transition, you’ll be interested to know that you can apply for a job in the new administration online, at this link. Since I’ve been out of work for a while, I think I’ll give it a shot. Is see myself in a new Cabinet positon–Secretary of Humor. Any time the global political situation got really tense, I would come out and do a quick ten minute standup routine, just to loosen everyone up. I would also be in charge of executive -level snarkiness. I truly believe that sometimes it’s not enough to stand up to enemies, you need to mock them. I could convene a special subcommittee to determine exactly which world leaders are the most ridiculous.

Like most people, I was inspired by Obama’s grand oratorical skills. But there on the home page of the transition website, the goal of the new administration is stated as “making sure the world we leave our children is just a little bit better than the one we inhabit today.” Just a little bit better? Talk about lowering expectations…jeez, take a risk, you guys! Apparently we’ve gone from the sweeping pronouncement ‘Yes We Can!’ to ‘We Might Be Able To In A Small Incremental Way.’ Not quite as catchy.

Incidentally, I think today might also the day God officially gives up on us. You knew there would come that one quintessentially human act that would make the Creator decide “Yeah, I’m done.”  At the Tomb of the Holy Sepulchre, in Jerusalem, in the ‘Holy Land’ (and at this point I do think quotation marks are appropriate), a fight between an Armenian Orthodox monk and a Greek Orthodox monk led to a full-on brawl. Watch the video–it looks like the stands at a soccer match.  I’m really worried that God watched this one on the celestial big-screen and finally said “Screw it.”

And so, as much as I want to believe this is a new era of people working together for the greater good, maybe the French got it right–Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.

There was almost no line when I got to my polling place today,although there was a woman in front of me who didn’t realize she had to register before she could vote–not sure she should have a say in what happens if she’s that unclear on the process. I thought I’d take this opportunity to walk you through the Illinois ballot and why I voted the way I did.

First, a referendum to call a new constitutional convention. I voted yes, because I’m hoping if they have one, the people writing the new constitution will be wearing powdered wigs. Then it was time for the presidential race. These people have no sense of dramatic structure–that should have obviously been last on the ballot. And I really wish I had done more research. I knew that in addition to Obama and McCain, there would be Cynthia McKinney from the Green Party and the Three Grumpy Men on the fringe (Ralph, Ron, Bob–pretty sure you’re gonna just miss the cut, guys), but I had no idea there was a Constitution Party candidate (on every issue, he’s basically opposed to abortion), and my new hero is New Party candidate John J. Polachek.

In a classic case of Illinois political weirdness, although 25,000 signatures are required for a new party to appear on the ballot, and Polachek collected exactly zero, if nobody contests the petition you file, the state puts you on the ballot. Nobody contested, so there he was. Here’s what we know about Mr. Polachek. He’s a fifty-one year old taxi driver living in Rogers Park. Period. In an era where we are drowning in minutiae, I find it refreshing that we don’t know anything about this guy. Oh–and we know he did not select a running-mate…the ballot actually said ‘None Listed,’ which tells me he thought to himself–’Don’t worry–I got this.’ And his only policy statement was, according to the State Board of Elections, a handwritten note that said ninety-five percent of his passengers agreed with his ideas. Good enough for me, and I hope he runs again.

A quick wikipedia check shows five other parties with a presidential candidate on more than one state ballot. You know, I’m not sure we should get all parliamentarian and give credence to every fringe party like Israel does–I think there is such a thing as too much democracy. In Israel, my Facebook friends and I would actually have to be included in a coalition government. But maybe we could elect two presidents, one from the two main parties and one from all the others–we’d call that person the Fringe President, and the FP would be allowed to vote on things like ceremonial days, and naming buildings.

This is how unaware McCain is–he spent all that effort trying to label Obama a socialist, when ,there are actually three different REAL socialists running for president. It gets a little confusing, because there’s a Socialist Party, a Socialist Workers party, and a Socialism and Liberation Party (maybe these people should get together, sort of a strength in numbers thing). The S&L Party website says they got on the ballot in Rhode Island, so they’ve got momentum, while the SW Party has a small problem in that its candidate (Roger Calero) is constitutionally ineligible to serve, as a resident alien with a felony conviction for selling marijuana. The best of the bunch is the old-school Socialist Party, which has actually announced it’s cabinet (Jeremiah Wright as UN Ambassador–that oughta shake things up).

Now for the fringiest of the fringe. There is a Prohibition Party candidate , and as a bonus, on his website you can see some of his paintings, which is cool. There is a new Boston Tea Party,  which certainly has the simplest platform and for inspiration quotes lyrics from “Les Miserables.”  And lastly, the Objectivist Party (and where was coverage of their convention?) is based entirely on the writings of Ayn Rand, which, based on the thirty or so pages of ‘The Fountainhead’ I was able to get through in college, might limit their appeal.

For U.S. Senator, I voted for the incumbent, because though I admire the Green Party platform, I would be worried that someone who’s that far outside the Beltway might actually miss a lot of votes just by getting lost in the Senate building. Besides, they would be called a ‘freshman’ senator, and that makes me think there would be all kinds of hazing.

Then the ballot got a little strange, because for State senate and the House about fifteen candidates in a row ran unopposed, which made it feel a little like voting in Soviet Russia.

Now I always thought judges were appointed, but at least in Illinois, we have to vote for them. Every freaking one of them. For some, there was an actual race between two people I hadn’t heard of, and for about a hundred and fifty, you were just supposed to decide whether or not to ‘retain’ them. Nobody I know who voted knew anything about these judges, and the only information I found in the voter guide was that they all were deemed ‘qualified.’ So, since I wasn’t about to give up my right to vote on anything, I had to come up with a system. This was my system:

1. In a race between a man and a woman, I chose the woman. I just think they’re more nurturing, and if I ever have to face a judge, I want a nurturing one. Likewise, I voted to ‘retain’ all female judges, with the exceptions noted below.
2. I have may Irish friends in Chicago, and I mean no disrespect to the good men and women of the Emerald Isle, but I think it’s safe to say the Irish are fairly well represented in Chicago politics. So, I generally voted against people with Irish surnames. Just in the interest of balance.
3. Also in the interest of balance, I voted for people with non-Irish names, like Otaka and Wojkowski.
4. I voted to not retain Edmund Ponce de Leon, because of that whole ‘fountain of youth’ thing.
5. I voted against a guy named Nixon, just instinctively.
6. I voted against anyone who, in quotation marks, was listed by a nickname that any idiot could figure out without the quotation marks. I think we know that James Williamson can also be called ‘Jim’.
7. I voted against Katherine ‘Kitty’ McCarthy, because ‘Kitty’ sounds more like a stripper than a judge, and if she’s choosing to be listed on the ballot as ‘Kitty,’ her judgement is questionable.
8. I voted against John Thomas Doody for entirely sophomoric reasons. Seriously–Judge Doody?

There you have it–my voting experience. Now I’m going to Crispy Creme, proud to live in a nation in which my reward for voting is a glazed hunk of dough.

A seldom reported consequence of this week’s election will be an inevitable spike in unemployment figures, as thousands of tv commentators, campaign strategtists, and bloggers become suddenly irrelevant. There’s a whole new economic class of people whose job description consists of talking about things that happened, but who make nothing happen themselves. This year, and certainly for the last month, it’s been as if the election consisted entirely of commentary about commentary, while discerning voters (all eighteen of us) have had to strip off layer upon layer of analysis to get to the actual candidates. It’s what I imagine it must have been like to finally be alone with a  woman in the Victorian era–by the time you’ve stripped off the dress, the petticoats, the girdle and the bloomers, the passion’s gone and you’re just wondering what you were after in the first place.

“Meet The Press” is a great example of this tail-chasing dog. This venerable show elegant in it’s simplicity–someone in the press talking to someone in the news. Now we get to watch some regional campaign strategist from one side arguing with someone else’s deputy campaign chairman about a video clip of a senior campaign advisor reacting to…something–by that point I’ve forgotten who I’m voting for.

Other victims of this imminent politico-depression will be the companies that make the high-tech polling/tracking gadgets. Now I think red state-blue state maps of the United States are as cool as the next guy, but how will we retool them to be useful until the next election. Maybe, since Americans are dunderheads about geography, the nightly news can have a segment where the anchor simply points at a state with his telestrator and asks viewers if they can call in to identify it (”43 percent of you correctly guessed North Dakota”).

The whole ‘red state’/'blue state’ paradigm has started to sound a little too Dr. Seuss for my tastes. Red State, Blue State, Old State, New State. It reminds me too much of USA Today, with it’s colors, and pie charts, and simple upbeat headlines. If a nuclear bomb killed millions of people in this country, I imagine their headline would be “Lots of Us Still Left–And We’re Shopping More!” Their masthead should say “Not Too Much News At One Time.”

The ripple effect of the upcoming post-election economy will be tragic. Late night monologues gutted…MSNBC going off the air entirely, with Keith Olbermann calling ESPN to get his SportsCenter job back and Chris Matthews left to just yell at random people on the street…C-SPAN running eight-hour marathons of ‘Booknotes’…We can’t let this happen, people, so l suggest we make this election best three out of five, and on November 5th, start ‘Campaign ‘09–The Rematch.’ Do it all over again. Have another round of primaries, and this time let Ralph Nader and Ron Paul start with three or four hundred delegates. And more debates–one every couple days.

There’s been a lot of talk about the ‘Bradley effect,’ which describes how some people will tell pollsters that they’re comfortable voting for an African-American and then when they step inside the voting booth it turns into a time machine and suddenly it’s 1958 and they realize that they’re rednecks. There are of course other ‘effects’ that could cost Obama the election.

THE KEGGER EFFECT: in which thousands of newly registered young voters sleep late on Election Day, and by the time they’ve finished uploading videos of their favorite band to their MySpace pages, the polls have already closed

THE SNL EFFECT: in which voters decide that since ‘Saturday Night Live’ hasn’t been really funny since 1982, the country will be better off if the show can keep bringing back Tina Fey to do her Sarah Palin impression

THE 7-11 EFFECT: in which people believe that the cup they choose for their coffee actually counts as a vote

I plan on spending the days before the election deciding which country to move to if McCain wins. After some preliminary research, I’ve narrowed it down to Canada (easy to get to), the Netherlands (great art and architecture–oh, who am I kidding…marijuana is legal there) and the Kingdom of Tonga. Although I’m pretty sure if I moved to the Kingdom of Tonga it would be even harder for me to find a day job than it is now.

Wherever I end up after November 4th, I need to get laid. The last time I was in a relationship, Heather Locklear was starring in a series. Turns out, my sex life actually parallels Heather Locklear’s career. I got laid a lot from 1981-1989 (’Melrose Place’ and ‘T.J. Hooker’), not so much from 1999-2002 (’Spin City’), and once in 2004 (’LAX’).  So until the lovely Miss Locklear gets another gig, I’m gonna have to find some way to get back in circulation. Thought about placing a personal ad, but I’m not sure I’m very ‘marketable.’

Forty-eight year old struggling writer and standup comic with limp seeks partner to share drafty studio apartment. Does not drive. Hobbies include playing the clarinet and blogging.

Supposedly you should look for romantic connections in places other than bars. But where? I’m Jewish, so I could cruise synagogues, but it always felt a little weird flirting with someone at a house of worship–I mean, God’s right there , for God’s sake. I’ve heard that grocery stores are possibilities, but I’m not sure how you start that conversation (”I see you like food, too. Maybe we should hook up.”) My best chance to meet someone new would be if they happened to accidentally wander into my apartment, but that doesn’t happen as often as you might think.

It’s not news that this country has gotten dumber. What’s frightening to me is how we’ve become a country that embraces dumb. I think most people would agree that a country is best judged by its tv game shows, and today, the three most popular are “Wheel of Fortune,” “Deal or No Deal,” and “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?”. The last one gives out huge sums of cash to adults who have to prove they know more than eleven-year olds. They’ve got it backwards–”Fifth Grader” should in fact punish the grownups who don’t win–if you’re not smarter than a fifth grader, you should be put in an internment camp so we can isolate the dullards and prevent them from breeding.

Throughout this election year, much has been made of the ‘average’ American. As if that’s the group upon which we should be building our future. Let me tell you something–the ‘average’ American is an idiot. We should be aiming for the top, and by definition, ‘average’ means somewhere in the flabby middle. The average American is that guy working at Target who is baffled by any question that doesn’t involve the particular section of the store for which he’s been trained. The average American is the woman on the bus who doesn’t understand that by standing in the front of the bus, she’s actually preventing other people from getting on the bus. The average American is that person who sees a ‘push’ sign on a door–because it’s at freaking eye level–and proceeds to pull the door…not once, but twice.

This naive notion that our country would be better off if the average American were running things, or that our elected officials should explain things in terms the average American can understand, is why we will someday be ranked somewhere between Sri Lanka and Chad on the list of world powers. Not that the average American would know where Sri Lanka or Chad are. I sorta think the people in charge of the dumb people should be smarter than the dumb people, but maybe that’s just my elitism talking.

It’s too bad a candidate for elected office can’t say things like “My opponent is a good person with a beautiful family, but the fact is I AM MUCH SMARTER THAN HE IS.” Or, “I’m not worried about attacks from my opponent, because THEY’RE STUPID.” Read the speeches of great leaders from the past–they didn’t speak like the average Americans of their time. They used nuanced concepts, polished turns of phrase, and really big words. Lincoln never felt the need to sprinkle in some ‘you betcha’s and ‘darn right’s just to connect with people who are ‘average.’ Not to offend any dactylonomists reading this, but this country needs to start celebrating smart people. Why do we think it’s good to be average? In game show terms, that’s the $64,000 Question. To paraphrase Barry Goldwater, elitism in the defense of intelligence is no vice, and commonality in the defense of mediocrity is no virtue.

Haven’t been able to post this week, because my computer had taken ill. First came the odd noises, then the screen just went blank. Turns out the tiny fan died that keeps it from bursting into flames, and since then I’ve only been able to use it for ten minutes at a time. Now I’m up and running with a shiny new laptop, and my apartment is filled with that wondedrful new computer smell. Of course I had to spend hours configuring and personalizing and asking myself why the hell I didn’t get a Mac. And transferring files–including sixteen hundred forty-seven songs. I’m glad iTunes tells me exactly how many days of music that comes to–now I know that I could stay inside my apartment for four and a half days without hearing the same song twice, which is valuable if you’re broke, depressed and trying to figure out how long you can avoid actually doing something productive.

I also got a new phone this week. My old phone didn’t die, but it will be killed soon. Seems that T-Mobile and I had a difference of opinion–they wanted money, I didn’t have money…I guess I thought what they were sending me every month was just a handy record of all the calls I had made. You know, for my convenience. Amazingly, there was one cellular provider to whom I didn’t owe money. The beauty part is that I’ve always wanted a phone number that spells something related to me, and I was able to get 388-JOKE, which is much more useful than my last number, which was 375-ULKY (which would have been useful if I went to the University of Louisville, Kentucky, or–and I did google this–if I were the Brooklyn dentist Ulky St. Vil).

I had the option of getting a phone that can work with a Bluetooth, but they simply look too Orwellian for my taste. The fact that they attach directly to your skull makes them seem a little too close to being a chip implanted in your brain, or some sort of tracking device. Just wait, we’ll find out in fifty years that that the government has been transmitting coded messages through Bluetooth devices.

Anyway, now that I have technology on my side again, it’s time to write, but I’m a little blocked. A quick internet search yesterday revealed that everything has already been written by someone. I suppose I could try my hand at more traditional media. For instance, I could write poetry, but that hasn’t been a marketable profession since the seventeenth century. Or I could write a novel, but–that’s just too much work. Have you seen how long those things are? I guess I’ll just stick with this blogging thing for now. Besides, I’ve got four days until the music stops.

In the hours before the seven hundred sixty-third presidential debate, McCain’s campaign chairman was asked about William Timmons, the guy their campaign has announced will run the transition team. The interesting part wasn’t that they’re talking about a transition prematurely since they’re (searching for the right word here) losing, it’s that when asked about the fact that Timmons once lobbied on behalf of Saddam Hussein, the man speaking for the campaign said “I haven’t really looked into his history.” Really? The guy running the campaign that picked a running mate their candidate had barely met now says he hasn’t looked into the history of the guy who they’ve picked to lead the transition? Do these people look into…anything? Or are they just randomly choosing names from Who’s Who?

The other weird pre-debate news was that Major League Baseball is willing to delay the start of the sixth game of the World Series to make time for an Obama infomercial. Seems amazing that a tv network would agree to this, until you realized this year’s World Series will likely Tampa Bay versus Philadelphia–most people don’t even know Tampa Bay has a baseball team, and the only people who care about the Phillies already live in Philadelphia–you could show their games on local cable access.

The Bill Ayers connection matters so little at this point. Barack Obama could join the Weather Underground and we wouldn’t care as long as it meant that we didn’t have to hide our money in mattresses. But this was McCain’s chance to confront Obama with him sitting across a table from him. By the way, how is it that McCain looks stiff even when he’s sitting down? At least one visual worked in his favor–the moderator this time actually made McCain look young and vigorous.

The winner of the debate was clearly Joe the Plumber. Now, I’m not sure whether Joe the Plumber is related to Joe Six-Pack, or whether Joe the Plumber is actually Joe Six-Pack’s secret super-hero identity, or whether the two of them spend Friday nights hanging at the Iconic Symbols Lodge, but I do know that McCain intends to make this one man in Ohio the entire focus of his presidency.

I like how McCain accused Obama of instigating class warfare–like we don’t already have that. In fact, I think the next revolution will be the mother of all class struggles–the homeless rising up to revolt. Armies of homeless people with carts careening up Fifth Avenue in Manhattan, finally doing the math that says “We don’t have shit. They have lots of shit. Let’s take their shit.” And they’d have nothing to lose, because if they get arrested, they go to jail, where they get…food and housing.

I’m not the only one who thinks John McCain needs to stop smiling. Maybe when he’s with Cindy he looks warm and nurturing, but on camera, it looks like his thorazine just kicked in, or like he’s forced to pose for a picture with an ex at a tacky resort he only went to because he already paid the deposit on the time-share. He also seems to be one question behind in every debate. At one point in this one, he was asked whether he wanted to address an Obama comment, and he actually said no, and went on to re-answer the previous question. This is actually part of his bigger plan to defeat Al-Qaida by…confusing them. “Every time we make a new demand, President McCain answers our last demand. It is just aggravating–like blowing yourself up and not getting any virgins out of the deal, Allah be praised.”

Now to the substance–here are a few things I learned about John McCain’s core beliefs:

• If there are ‘bad teachers,’ we need to find other jobs for them. Because that’s a marketable skill set (previous experience: bad teacher)
• We can’t let people get ‘gold-plated’ insurance policies that allow for “cosmetic surgery, and transplants.” Damn straight–we can’t keep paying for people to have frivolous…transplants.
• We’ve got to drill, despite “extreme environmentalists” who say “it has to be safe.” And though we don’t want to ruin our coastline, “Canadian oil is fine.”
• He opposes abortion, and doesn’t believe exceptions should be made because the phrase ‘health of the mother’ has been ’stretched to mean a lot of things.’ He actually used air quotes around the word ‘health,’ people.

To be fair, there were clunkers for Obama’s side. When he answered a question about a woman being denied vital care, he said “If it sounds unbelievable, that’s because…” and then he paused like Ryan Seacrest announcing who made it to Hollywood before giving us the reveal of “…it’s not true.” Thanks, Barack–you rhetorical tease. I hope he doesn’t do this in major speeches: “I propose that with regards to Iran, we will…wait for it…wait for it.”

I thought moderator Bob Schieffer did a fine job, but when the debate got to the subject of negative ads, it veered a little toward therapy, complete with hurt feelings. You know, if we want our president to seem strong when facing down evil dictators, he probably shouldn’t seem too ‘touchy-feely.’ Putin never looks like he needs a hug. Even Schieffer’s tone shifted when he asked them if they would say their attacks “to each other’s face–he sorta sounded like a high school vice-principal talking to two kids who had just gotten into a schoolyard fight.

I only threw my remote once, when McCain said that the alleged voter registration fraud by some members of ACORN might be “one of the the greatest frauds in voting history” and that it could “threaten the fabric of democracy.” Listen John, if that fabric wasn’t ripped to shreds in the last two elections by the attempted disenfranchisement of African-American voters, rigged voting machines, and blatantly political tampering with the highest court in the land, then I guess the ‘fabric of democracy’ can withstand a few thousand bogus voters. But then I live in Chicago, so that’s not even news to me.

Obama also had two major Wuss Moments. First, when asked directly whether he felt that Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, he said “That’s up to the American people to decide.” Wait–it’s up to US to decide what YOU feel!? The other point where I think some righteous anger would have been justified was when McCain said of Colombia “Why don’t you visit down there and you might understand a little better.” I’m sorry, but that’s when Barack should have reconnected with his south side Chicago background and gotten a little less academic and a little more ’street.’ A “Hell, no!” moment, if you will. Tell me it wouldn’t have been entertaining for him to stand up and yell “Look, cracker! You wanna throw down about global knowledge? I was born in Hawaii, my daddy’s from Kenya, I went to school in Indonesia and I live in Chicago, bitch! You and your patronizing bullshit can kiss my multicultural ass!”

I guess I still feel like neither candidate is speaking to me. They keep tossing around the notion of forty-two thousand dollars a year as some sort of magical benchmark for the average American. Excuse me, but where are the plans to help those of us who make, maybe, fifteen grand a year? Where are the specific policies that you have for me? Where are the federal subsidies for growing my own pot? I’m a cornerstone of my neighborhood’s economy, and where’s my bailout?

One last note for Senator McCain. If you don’t want to be perceived as old and out of touch, you probably shouldn’t describe your opponent’s poicies as “cockamamie.” I’m just sayin’.

Not really sure why I still watch the U.S. presidential debates, since they’re essentially irrelevant, and, with the way the economy is heading, the U.S. itself may become irrelevant and we’ll all end up speaking Mandarin. But, there I was, at a friend’s house with a bottle of cheap vodka watching the ‘town-hall’ format. Now, this wasn’t a real town-hall meeting. That always implies passionate townspeople shouting pointed questions about their specific concerns. This was like a ninety minute focus group, and the questions were so carefully scripted that they could have been asked by the moderator, but they audience at least looked like real Americans. Hell, they even let a black guy ask a question. Some questions were emailed, and I was really hoping Tom Brokaw, with that stentorian voice of his, would have gotten an email from someone with an embarrassing screen name–”Our next question comes from jiggybutt69 in Palmyra, New York.”

At least the Cult of Palin couldn’t accuse Brokaw of ‘ambush’ tactics or ‘gotcha journalism.’ This, of course, was the charge levelled at notoriously hard-hitting journalist…Katie Couric. Somebody needs to explain to Miss Wasilla that it’s not technically an ‘ambush’ when YOU KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO BE INTERVIEWED! If you look at your to-do list, somewhere between ‘take kids to hockey game’ and ‘ try to scare voters with manufactured claims that Obama supports terrorism,’ you might see ‘CBS–interview w/ K.C.’ That’s not a ‘gotcha.’ See. it’s part of the media’s JOB to ‘get’ you, if in fact there’s something to ‘get.’ It’s not like the diabolical Mainstream Media is popping up from behind shrubery with these questions.

So, after not directly answering questions from the moderator in the first debate, this format required the candidates to not directly answer questions from real voters like you and me. My buddy and I thought we would score the debate, which lasted about four questions (or three shots of vodka). I did take a few notes, though.

Obama’s biggest weakness is that he sometimes sounds too ‘professorial,’, and since this debate looked like it was set in a big lecture hall, I started thinking back to college. Maybe the question should be, if these two guys were teachers and you were a freshman making out your schedule, whose class would you take? Now Professor Obama seems like the kind of teacher whose class you should take, but you’d probably get bored around mid-terms and just buy the lecture notes. Professor McCain, on the other hand, would be popular because his tests would be simple, just memorizing some key phrases.

Current Affairs 101 — Professor McCain

1. What is another word for ‘reformer’?

2. The U.S. economy consists of Wall Street and which other Street?

3. Should the U.S. ever sit across the table from evil dictators?

At least Obama can pronounce things correctly. I know this is nit-picking, but IT’S NOT PRONOUNCED ‘EYE-RACK’!!! It’s two syllables, for chrissake! I’m sure this isn’t the biggest obstacle to stability in that region, but I don’t think it helps, either.

There were times when McCain approached full-on creepy. When talking about how to fix Social Security, he said “We know how to fix that”–and that’s it! When asked about Bin Laden, he said “I know how to get him” and nothing else. Uh…John? If you do know how to ‘get’ Bin Laden, could you…tell some of the people currently looking for him? It would save us a lot of trouble if you could tell the U.S. military.

A stylistic note for all the candidates–stop trying to be funny in a debate. Last night, when asked who he would appoint as Treasury secretary, he looked at Brokaw and said “Not you, Tom.” It didn’t sound comical, it sounded crotchety. And while we’re on style points, McCain’s handlers should tell him that when he tries to convey righteous indignation, he hunches over into a little angry ball and starts to look like a troll stomping his feet under a bridge.

I also thought it was weird when McCain brought up for the second time in a debate the notion of forming a ‘League of Democracies.’ Yeah, let’s form a club with only countries who share our beliefs–that’s the way to solve international problems, you diplomatic Luddite. I’m pretty sure McCain knows there’s already an organization of countries the get together and talk about stuff (the United…something?), so I can only assume he’s thinking of some sort of intergalactic body–maybe like the Legion of Superheroes (in their first battle, the Legion fights the Axis of Evil!) Frankly, i wasn’t bothered when McCain referred to Obama as “that one.” Their campaign is so desperate and out of touch right now that I’m just happy he didn’t refer to Obama as ‘the colored fella.’

It got toward the end of the debate, and I wasn’t paying as much attention–I started hearing the questions I wanted to hear. Brokaw set up one question with a ponderous introduction about the Manhattan Project designing the ultimate nuclear weapon, and I thought his question was “Should we in fact create some kind of death ray we can simply aim at countries we don’t like?” My favorite moment of all came when McCain sat down to answer a question, and put the microphone he was holding in his lap. At this moment, my friend said “The microphones are fake!” It was as if he was at a magic show and saw the mirrors–like in that one moment all the lies and deception holding up the house of cards that is our entire system of government had collapsed around him. Of course, we were drinking.