I believe there’s not nearly enough anger in the world. OK, not really. But I do think a lot of society’s problems go unsolved because nobody gets angry about them. Righteous anger.
So I figure, maybe people need to practice getting angry. Find some little things to get angry about, then work your way up to things that really matter. So think of this as an anger training workshop. We’ll find little, seemingly meaningless things that nonetheless, really piss us off, and try to nurture that little spark of outrage within. I’ll start.
CLICHES WHICH, WHEN BROKEN DOWN, ACTUALLY MAKE NO SENSE
This one is like a thousand nails on a thousand chalkboards to me. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” Yes, you can.Think about it. You buy a cake and take it home. You now have a cake. Then you eat the cake. You have now had your cake, and eaten it, too. The phrase to express ‘not being able to have things both ways’ should be “you can’t eat your cake and have it, too” because if you’ve eaten your cake, you obviously don’t have it anymore.
STUPID NAMES FOR THINGS THAT WE HAVE TO SAY BECAUSE WE NEED THE THING WITH THE STUPID NAME AND THE PERSON WHO HAS WHAT WE NEED INSISTS ON CALLING IT BY THE STUPID NAME
I love Arby’s sandwiches–something about odd-tasting mass-produced quasi-beef product topped with a plasticene kinda-sorta cheese is comfort food for me. But the experience is ruined when I have to ask for packets of ‘horsey sauce.’ I feel like an idiot asking for ‘horsey sauce.’ It’s horseradish! Or…is it? Why isn’t the FDA investigating this? True story: I asked for two packets of horseradish at an Arby’s once and the person at the window was actually stumped for a second until I said “You know, horsey sauce.” By the way, I get just as angry at coffeehouses which have three sizes of cups but you can’t ask for a ‘small’ because they call their ‘small’ a’medium’. It’s hard to communicate with someone when they decide to REDEFINE WHAT WORDS MEAN!
PEOPLE WHO PUSH A BUTTON MORE THAN ONCE IN THE BELIEF THAT IT WILL MAKE THE LIGHT CHANGE (OR THE ELEVATOR COME) MORE QUICKLY
Stop it. Just stop it. The mystical forces which control the Walk/Don’t Walk signals and the elevator do not care that you are late for a meeting. In fact, you end up vexing the Elevator God by your manic
button-pushing. I’m no electrical engineer, but you might actually be damaging the little doo-dad that sends the signal to the thingie that makes the elevator come. And by the way, if you see me push the button and you’re waiting for the same elevator, it doesn’t do any good to push it again. This just insults me, as if you’re saying, “Yeah, I know you pushed the button, but you should let me handle this.”
WHEN I PAY FOR MY PURCHASE AT THE REGISTER, PUT MY HAND OUT FROR MY CHANGE, AND THE CASHIER PUTS MY CHANGE ON THE COUNTER
Look, I suppose there’s always the chance that by putting my change into my outstretched hand, you might contract some flesh-eating bacteria, but when you think about it, I don’t know where your hands have been, either. I’m willing to take the risk.
WHEN I GIVE ALL OF MY INFORMATION TO THE FIRST CUSTOMER SERVICE GUY, FIND OUT HE CAN’T ACTUALLY HELP ME, SO HE TRANSFERS ME TO ANOTHER GUY, AND I HAVE TO GIVE HIM THE EXACT SAME INFORMATION
I’m pretty sure that any company with enough technology for menu options in their phone system also has the ability have the first guy send my name, account number, billing address, last four digits of my social security number and THE REASON I’M CALLING to the second guy BEFORE the call is actually transferred. Maybe your computers could actually be… I don’t know…networked or something.
Well, these are just a few of the everyday nuisances which, if unaddressed, will simply lead to more stupidity, which will lead to more irritation, more pent-up rage, and ultimately, civilization as we know it will collapse. Of course, it could be just me.