who will bail out the superheroes?

It saddens me to report that our world, and indeede the universe, is a more dangerous place, now that the Justice League of America has disbanded. The ad hoc group of superheroes has filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection and will, for the immediate future, no longer be available to defend Earth from evildoers. According to a brief statement from their publicist, the New York based agency Hill & Knowlton, the League will be going through a ‘reorganization’ and plans to focus its energies on ‘sustainable growth.” President Obama has asked Superman to step down, and the remaining superheroes will have sixty days to work out a merger with British football club Manchester United.

Fortunately for Earth, a new group has formed which will be called the Collective of People with Unusual Abilities. This group intends to “strongly suggest that criminals stop,” and it vows to do “several quirky things which might at least in the short term prevent evil from destroying the world.” The CPUA has announced that they may be contacted by world leaders at their office on the second floor of the former offices of Pinnacle Bank in Beaverton, Oregon.

The Collective consists of the following:

accountant

Ten Key—able to enter over 12000 keystrokes per hour…he is called upon when confronted with multiple evildoers, and is able to determine within seconds the number of people who will be killed by the evildoers

the filer

The Filer—an uncanny alphabetizer, The Filer is able to quickly and efficiently determine whether a given evildoer has attacked Earth before

text girl

Text Girl—has the ability to text all of her friends about an upcoming attack, using only abbreviations

clock boy

Clock Boy—When he was eight years old, his parents took him to the U.S. Naval Observatory, where was accidentally exposed to a toxic dose of cesium from the atomic clock; since that fateful day, he has had the ability to determine the exact time without wearing a watch—here is a picture of him indicating that it is five o’clock

These four intrepid savants are our best defense in this scaled-back era. God speed the CPUA!