Huge Science News
In a development that has rocked the world of particle physics, scientists at a hastily arranged press conference have admitted to losing the long sought-after and recently discovered ‘God particle.’ Flustered researchers in Switzerland released a tersely worded statement about the disappearance of the bosun.
“The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) announces with regret that the Higgs bosun particle we found on 14 March, 2013, is now missing again. We apologize for the confusion and for any inconvenience.”
Elusive ‘God’ Particle Found, Then Lost Again, Say Embarrassed Scientists
Physicist explains, “It’s really, really tiny.”
“We feel really stupid right now, to be honest,” said one of the six thousand researchers on the project. “Look, I’m sure you’ve all misplaced something that took forty years and a ten billion dollar accelerator to find . . . but hey, we found it once, right?”
When asked about any possible ramifications, another researcher said,
“We’re not too worried, since there are no practical applications for this thing yet. Frankly, we were surprised our ‘discovery’ even made the news–it’s not as if the average person is going to understand the significance of the most important part of the key theory that explains how everything works in the universe.
Seriously, if we told you that we lost “a quantum excitation of one of the four components of the Higgs field, which forms a complex of the weak isospin SU(2) symmetry, would anybody care? But no, one guy calls it the ‘God Particle’ and suddenly everybody’s second-guessing us!”
After a few minutes of awkward silence, as the downcast scientists shuffled their papers and shook their heads disapprovingly, a writer from the Journal of Esoteric Theories asked the panel how they came to lose the bosun.
“Not to get overly technical, but it’s crucial to understand that these things are really, REALLY tiny. We’re talkin’ “125 giga-electronvolts divided by the speed of light squared” tiny! Now, you try to find something that small moving at nearly the speed of light inside a gigantic tube–something that, oh, by the way, has no spin, color charge OR electrical charge . . . well, I think you can see the problem, here, folks.
As to assigning blame, all the people involved with the Hadron Collider project are highly skilled professionals and my esteemed colleagues. We have devoted our lives’ work to this pursuit, and none of us should be singled out; that being said, it was probably Joe’s fault.”
At this point, research team leader Joe Incandela muttered, “That’s bullshit,” while the other physicists began pointing at him, chanting “JOEY LOST THE HIGGS BOSUN! JOEY LOST THE HIGGS BOSUN!” as they pounded the table in unison.
Order was eventually restored, and a bespectacled Peter Higgs, namesake of the particle and the first person to propose its existence, stood up to speak. Now in his eighties, Higgs said,
“I am, like most advanced theoretical particle physicists, dismayed that we were only able to catch a fleeting glimpse of something so monumental. I am, however, still dedicated to exploring the outer reaches and innermost depths of scientific pursuit.
Given that, I believe it is still important that we blame Joe. C’mon, man–we finally find the damned thing, and you decide to TWEET about it?! We’re making scientific breakthroughs here, and you’re looking at your damned phone! You lost our particle, you bastard!”