Mister Comedy

As political theater, the first presidential debate was about what you would expect. These affairs are never about policy, because it’s impossible to elucidate policy in two minute chunks. But as entertainment, it was a huge disappointment, and that’s what I’d like to address. I haven’t felt such a combination of boredom and irritation since I watched ‘Gigli.’ Face it, with a little over a month left before W and his clan get outsourced to Crawford, Texas, anyone who wants to know where the two main candidates stand has all the information they need (maybe the debate should have been between the candidates who don’t have a chance–I think it might be cool to watch Ralph Nader and Ron Paul go at it, like watching cranky relatives get into an argument at a wake). So, since we’re not watching for some political revalation or new insight, the bottom line is this–we watch debates for the same reason we watch auto racing–because we want to see someone crash.

A few format changes would go a long way toward making the debates more fun. First, get rid of the podiums–this isn’t a Toastmasters meeting. Instead, place each candidate in a harness above a dunk tank. Then attach electrodes to their nipples, and every time either of them repeats a catch phrase or says something deliberately misleading, give ‘em a little jolt. “Senator Obama doesn’t underst–OWW!” (now that I think of it, that might be an unfair advantage to McCain).

We should also get rid of the moderator. Jim Lehrer did a fine job in that avuncular way of his, but he ended up just looking frustrated. My favorite moment was when he told Obama to talk directly to Mccain–”Say it to him” like he became a family therapist. “Use your words, Barack.” As much as I appreciate Lehrer, if we’re gonna look at it as a competition (almost every analyst spoke in terms of points in a prizefight), lets have judges. In fact, let’s have the ‘American Idol’ judges.

Randy: Yo yo yo McCain–you my dawg! I ain’t mad at ya, dawg!

Paula: Barack, I just thought you looked wonderful–you’ve shown nothing but class and love through this entire competition.

Simon: It was like watching a dreadful high-school debate in a gymnasium at an underfunded school.

For ninety-six minutes, I kept hoping Jeff Probst would come out and convene some sort of ad hoc tribal council–’Survivor: Ole Miss.” Give a candidate immunity if he can describe his economic plan without mentioning ‘Main Street.’ The only classic gaffe, the kind of ‘oh no he didn’t’ moment that could turn an election was when McCain tried to attack Obama for saying that he would take military action in Pakistan if we could get Bin Laden there. McCain said (and I’m adding the emphasis here) “You don’t say that OUT LOUD. If you have to do things, you have to do things…” Huh??? So his problem isn’t the idea of unilateral military action against an ‘ally,’ but the fact that Obama is telling people? I also was a little worried John wouldn’t have the chance to remind us that he was in a Viet Cong prison, but thankfully he worked that into his closing statement. McCain was criticized at one point for not knowing the name of the new Pakistani president, but isn’t that a little unfair? If McCain were president and he…i don’t know, drew a blank in some high-level meeting, wouldn’t he be able to simply turn to his well-read, foreignpolicy savvy vice-president to bail him out? Wouldn’t he?

As a poitical junkie, I also watched a lot of the ‘post-game’ analysis, and I have a couple of questions question for MSNBC. Why is Pat Buchanan still giving his opinion on ANYTHING? Buchanan wasn’t relevant when he was RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT! And the stupidest, most inconsequential comment–one of the reporters at the debate suggested that Obama might want to lean forward a bit more. Yeah, I may not agree with his stands on the issues, but at least he leaned forward. He gets my vote.

Ultimately, as much as I pride myself on tracking the issues, I gotta admit that the real reason I can’t vote for John McCain is that he SO reminds me of the old pissed-off guy in the neighborhood whose house I didn’t want to ride my bike past when I was eight years old. I’d love to see a snapshot poll on that.