Mister Comedy

I haven’t been posting the past few days because I’m preparing for a lawsuit. I intend to sue the Chicago Cubs and their parent company for breach of contract and mental anguish, pursuant their recent embarrassing loss to the Dodgers. When I moved to Chicago, the Chicago Cubs clearly implied by word and action that this would be ‘the year,’ and (you’ll excuse the technical legal terminology) they choked. Since I watched at least 100 games on tv this season (note to self: add WGN and Comcast to the lawsuit–without their incessant promos during the season I might not have watched any games), at an average of two and a half hours per game, I want compensation for the two hundred fifty hours of my life I’ll never get back. And ten bucks for a new remote to replace the one I threw against the wall.

That’s how society works, after all. Any grievance, no matter how picayune, can be solved by tying up our already overburdened court system with a lawsuit. Stub your toe in your apartment, sue your landlord. Get falling-down drunk at a bar and stumble into the street, sue the driver of the car that hit you. The extent to which we’ve removed personal responsibility from the equation is stunning.

There’s a family suing Disneyland because they were on the Pirates of the Carribean ride, and the little freaking boat they were in got hit by somebody else’s little freaking boat. They’re suing for two million dollars, apparently trying to recoup the money they spent at Disneyland that day. And people suing tobacco companies–are you kidding me!? Unless you started smoking in 1920 most rational people have been clear on the fact that inhaling smoke is a health risk. Maybe I’ll sue Dunkin’ Donuts because I’ve put on a few pounds.

Companies are so terrified of litigation that every single item sold seems to require a warning label. This is backwards, people. The warning labels should be tattooed on the foreheads of any idiot who needs these warning labels! ‘WARNING! THIS PERSON IS NOT INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT THE HOT COFFEE THEY JUST ORDERED IS HOT!” ”WARNING! YOU ARE LOOKING AT SOMEONE WHO IS NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT SHAMPOO IS FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY!” The government is now trying to insist that Smith and Wesson, makers of fine handguns and handgun accessories, put a warning label on their products. What would this label read–’WARNING–THIS…IS A GUN”?

The best examples of our litigious national character are the disclaimers that are on the bottom of the screen in car commercials. ‘Professional driver–do not attempt.’ Whew–thank god the wise ones at Chevrolet stopped me from driving up the side of a cliff while pulling a mobile home at sixty miles an hour. There is a Ford truck ad I especially love. In the ad, through the miracle of computer technology, at one point the truck appears to be driving through the clouds, and underneath is the word ‘dramatization.’ What the hell kind of litigation is Ford afraid of here?

Dear Ford Motor Company:

My husband was recently killed when he attempted to fly his F-150 through the sky, as your advertisement clearly indicates is possible.

Enough ranting for now. If you didn’t enjoy this post, you know what to do.