Mister Comedy

Not really sure why I still watch the U.S. presidential debates, since they’re essentially irrelevant, and, with the way the economy is heading, the U.S. itself may become irrelevant and we’ll all end up speaking Mandarin. But, there I was, at a friend’s house with a bottle of cheap vodka watching the ‘town-hall’ format. Now, this wasn’t a real town-hall meeting. That always implies passionate townspeople shouting pointed questions about their specific concerns. This was like a ninety minute focus group, and the questions were so carefully scripted that they could have been asked by the moderator, but they audience at least looked like real Americans. Hell, they even let a black guy ask a question. Some questions were emailed, and I was really hoping Tom Brokaw, with that stentorian voice of his, would have gotten an email from someone with an embarrassing screen name–”Our next question comes from jiggybutt69 in Palmyra, New York.”

At least the Cult of Palin couldn’t accuse Brokaw of ‘ambush’ tactics or ‘gotcha journalism.’ This, of course, was the charge levelled at notoriously hard-hitting journalist…Katie Couric. Somebody needs to explain to Miss Wasilla that it’s not technically an ‘ambush’ when YOU KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO BE INTERVIEWED! If you look at your to-do list, somewhere between ‘take kids to hockey game’ and ‘ try to scare voters with manufactured claims that Obama supports terrorism,’ you might see ‘CBS–interview w/ K.C.’ That’s not a ‘gotcha.’ See. it’s part of the media’s JOB to ‘get’ you, if in fact there’s something to ‘get.’ It’s not like the diabolical Mainstream Media is popping up from behind shrubery with these questions.

So, after not directly answering questions from the moderator in the first debate, this format required the candidates to not directly answer questions from real voters like you and me. My buddy and I thought we would score the debate, which lasted about four questions (or three shots of vodka). I did take a few notes, though.

Obama’s biggest weakness is that he sometimes sounds too ‘professorial,’, and since this debate looked like it was set in a big lecture hall, I started thinking back to college. Maybe the question should be, if these two guys were teachers and you were a freshman making out your schedule, whose class would you take? Now Professor Obama seems like the kind of teacher whose class you should take, but you’d probably get bored around mid-terms and just buy the lecture notes. Professor McCain, on the other hand, would be popular because his tests would be simple, just memorizing some key phrases.

Current Affairs 101 — Professor McCain

1. What is another word for ‘reformer’?

2. The U.S. economy consists of Wall Street and which other Street?

3. Should the U.S. ever sit across the table from evil dictators?

At least Obama can pronounce things correctly. I know this is nit-picking, but IT’S NOT PRONOUNCED ‘EYE-RACK’!!! It’s two syllables, for chrissake! I’m sure this isn’t the biggest obstacle to stability in that region, but I don’t think it helps, either.

There were times when McCain approached full-on creepy. When talking about how to fix Social Security, he said “We know how to fix that”–and that’s it! When asked about Bin Laden, he said “I know how to get him” and nothing else. Uh…John? If you do know how to ‘get’ Bin Laden, could you…tell some of the people currently looking for him? It would save us a lot of trouble if you could tell the U.S. military.

A stylistic note for all the candidates–stop trying to be funny in a debate. Last night, when asked who he would appoint as Treasury secretary, he looked at Brokaw and said “Not you, Tom.” It didn’t sound comical, it sounded crotchety. And while we’re on style points, McCain’s handlers should tell him that when he tries to convey righteous indignation, he hunches over into a little angry ball and starts to look like a troll stomping his feet under a bridge.

I also thought it was weird when McCain brought up for the second time in a debate the notion of forming a ‘League of Democracies.’ Yeah, let’s form a club with only countries who share our beliefs–that’s the way to solve international problems, you diplomatic Luddite. I’m pretty sure McCain knows there’s already an organization of countries the get together and talk about stuff (the United…something?), so I can only assume he’s thinking of some sort of intergalactic body–maybe like the Legion of Superheroes (in their first battle, the Legion fights the Axis of Evil!) Frankly, i wasn’t bothered when McCain referred to Obama as “that one.” Their campaign is so desperate and out of touch right now that I’m just happy he didn’t refer to Obama as ‘the colored fella.’

It got toward the end of the debate, and I wasn’t paying as much attention–I started hearing the questions I wanted to hear. Brokaw set up one question with a ponderous introduction about the Manhattan Project designing the ultimate nuclear weapon, and I thought his question was “Should we in fact create some kind of death ray we can simply aim at countries we don’t like?” My favorite moment of all came when McCain sat down to answer a question, and put the microphone he was holding in his lap. At this moment, my friend said “The microphones are fake!” It was as if he was at a magic show and saw the mirrors–like in that one moment all the lies and deception holding up the house of cards that is our entire system of government had collapsed around him. Of course, we were drinking.