Mister Comedy

In the hours before the seven hundred sixty-third presidential debate, McCain’s campaign chairman was asked about William Timmons, the guy their campaign has announced will run the transition team. The interesting part wasn’t that they’re talking about a transition prematurely since they’re (searching for the right word here) losing, it’s that when asked about the fact that Timmons once lobbied on behalf of Saddam Hussein, the man speaking for the campaign said “I haven’t really looked into his history.” Really? The guy running the campaign that picked a running mate their candidate had barely met now says he hasn’t looked into the history of the guy who they’ve picked to lead the transition? Do these people look into…anything? Or are they just randomly choosing names from Who’s Who?

The other weird pre-debate news was that Major League Baseball is willing to delay the start of the sixth game of the World Series to make time for an Obama infomercial. Seems amazing that a tv network would agree to this, until you realized this year’s World Series will likely Tampa Bay versus Philadelphia–most people don’t even know Tampa Bay has a baseball team, and the only people who care about the Phillies already live in Philadelphia–you could show their games on local cable access.

The Bill Ayers connection matters so little at this point. Barack Obama could join the Weather Underground and we wouldn’t care as long as it meant that we didn’t have to hide our money in mattresses. But this was McCain’s chance to confront Obama with him sitting across a table from him. By the way, how is it that McCain looks stiff even when he’s sitting down? At least one visual worked in his favor–the moderator this time actually made McCain look young and vigorous.

The winner of the debate was clearly Joe the Plumber. Now, I’m not sure whether Joe the Plumber is related to Joe Six-Pack, or whether Joe the Plumber is actually Joe Six-Pack’s secret super-hero identity, or whether the two of them spend Friday nights hanging at the Iconic Symbols Lodge, but I do know that McCain intends to make this one man in Ohio the entire focus of his presidency.

I like how McCain accused Obama of instigating class warfare–like we don’t already have that. In fact, I think the next revolution will be the mother of all class struggles–the homeless rising up to revolt. Armies of homeless people with carts careening up Fifth Avenue in Manhattan, finally doing the math that says “We don’t have shit. They have lots of shit. Let’s take their shit.” And they’d have nothing to lose, because if they get arrested, they go to jail, where they get…food and housing.

I’m not the only one who thinks John McCain needs to stop smiling. Maybe when he’s with Cindy he looks warm and nurturing, but on camera, it looks like his thorazine just kicked in, or like he’s forced to pose for a picture with an ex at a tacky resort he only went to because he already paid the deposit on the time-share. He also seems to be one question behind in every debate. At one point in this one, he was asked whether he wanted to address an Obama comment, and he actually said no, and went on to re-answer the previous question. This is actually part of his bigger plan to defeat Al-Qaida by…confusing them. “Every time we make a new demand, President McCain answers our last demand. It is just aggravating–like blowing yourself up and not getting any virgins out of the deal, Allah be praised.”

Now to the substance–here are a few things I learned about John McCain’s core beliefs:

• If there are ‘bad teachers,’ we need to find other jobs for them. Because that’s a marketable skill set (previous experience: bad teacher)
• We can’t let people get ‘gold-plated’ insurance policies that allow for “cosmetic surgery, and transplants.” Damn straight–we can’t keep paying for people to have frivolous…transplants.
• We’ve got to drill, despite “extreme environmentalists” who say “it has to be safe.” And though we don’t want to ruin our coastline, “Canadian oil is fine.”
• He opposes abortion, and doesn’t believe exceptions should be made because the phrase ‘health of the mother’ has been ’stretched to mean a lot of things.’ He actually used air quotes around the word ‘health,’ people.

To be fair, there were clunkers for Obama’s side. When he answered a question about a woman being denied vital care, he said “If it sounds unbelievable, that’s because…” and then he paused like Ryan Seacrest announcing who made it to Hollywood before giving us the reveal of “…it’s not true.” Thanks, Barack–you rhetorical tease. I hope he doesn’t do this in major speeches: “I propose that with regards to Iran, we will…wait for it…wait for it.”

I thought moderator Bob Schieffer did a fine job, but when the debate got to the subject of negative ads, it veered a little toward therapy, complete with hurt feelings. You know, if we want our president to seem strong when facing down evil dictators, he probably shouldn’t seem too ‘touchy-feely.’ Putin never looks like he needs a hug. Even Schieffer’s tone shifted when he asked them if they would say their attacks “to each other’s face–he sorta sounded like a high school vice-principal talking to two kids who had just gotten into a schoolyard fight.

I only threw my remote once, when McCain said that the alleged voter registration fraud by some members of ACORN might be “one of the the greatest frauds in voting history” and that it could “threaten the fabric of democracy.” Listen John, if that fabric wasn’t ripped to shreds in the last two elections by the attempted disenfranchisement of African-American voters, rigged voting machines, and blatantly political tampering with the highest court in the land, then I guess the ‘fabric of democracy’ can withstand a few thousand bogus voters. But then I live in Chicago, so that’s not even news to me.

Obama also had two major Wuss Moments. First, when asked directly whether he felt that Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, he said “That’s up to the American people to decide.” Wait–it’s up to US to decide what YOU feel!? The other point where I think some righteous anger would have been justified was when McCain said of Colombia “Why don’t you visit down there and you might understand a little better.” I’m sorry, but that’s when Barack should have reconnected with his south side Chicago background and gotten a little less academic and a little more ’street.’ A “Hell, no!” moment, if you will. Tell me it wouldn’t have been entertaining for him to stand up and yell “Look, cracker! You wanna throw down about global knowledge? I was born in Hawaii, my daddy’s from Kenya, I went to school in Indonesia and I live in Chicago, bitch! You and your patronizing bullshit can kiss my multicultural ass!”

I guess I still feel like neither candidate is speaking to me. They keep tossing around the notion of forty-two thousand dollars a year as some sort of magical benchmark for the average American. Excuse me, but where are the plans to help those of us who make, maybe, fifteen grand a year? Where are the specific policies that you have for me? Where are the federal subsidies for growing my own pot? I’m a cornerstone of my neighborhood’s economy, and where’s my bailout?

One last note for Senator McCain. If you don’t want to be perceived as old and out of touch, you probably shouldn’t describe your opponent’s poicies as “cockamamie.” I’m just sayin’.