personal effects
There’s been a lot of talk about the ‘Bradley effect,’ which describes how some people will tell pollsters that they’re comfortable voting for an African-American and then when they step inside the voting booth it turns into a time machine and suddenly it’s 1958 and they realize that they’re rednecks. There are of course other ‘effects’ that could cost Obama the election.
THE KEGGER EFFECT: in which thousands of newly registered young voters sleep late on Election Day, and by the time they’ve finished uploading videos of their favorite band to their MySpace pages, the polls have already closed
THE SNL EFFECT: in which voters decide that since ‘Saturday Night Live’ hasn’t been really funny since 1982, the country will be better off if the show can keep bringing back Tina Fey to do her Sarah Palin impression
THE 7-11 EFFECT: in which people believe that the cup they choose for their coffee actually counts as a vote
I plan on spending the days before the election deciding which country to move to if McCain wins. After some preliminary research, I’ve narrowed it down to Canada (easy to get to), the Netherlands (great art and architecture–oh, who am I kidding…marijuana is legal there) and the Kingdom of Tonga. Although I’m pretty sure if I moved to the Kingdom of Tonga it would be even harder for me to find a day job than it is now.
Wherever I end up after November 4th, I need to get laid. The last time I was in a relationship, Heather Locklear was starring in a series. Turns out, my sex life actually parallels Heather Locklear’s career. I got laid a lot from 1981-1989 (’Melrose Place’ and ‘T.J. Hooker’), not so much from 1999-2002 (’Spin City’), and once in 2004 (’LAX’). So until the lovely Miss Locklear gets another gig, I’m gonna have to find some way to get back in circulation. Thought about placing a personal ad, but I’m not sure I’m very ‘marketable.’
Forty-eight year old struggling writer and standup comic with limp seeks partner to share drafty studio apartment. Does not drive. Hobbies include playing the clarinet and blogging.
Supposedly you should look for romantic connections in places other than bars. But where? I’m Jewish, so I could cruise synagogues, but it always felt a little weird flirting with someone at a house of worship–I mean, God’s right there , for God’s sake. I’ve heard that grocery stores are possibilities, but I’m not sure how you start that conversation (”I see you like food, too. Maybe we should hook up.”) My best chance to meet someone new would be if they happened to accidentally wander into my apartment, but that doesn’t happen as often as you might think.
