Mister Comedy

There was almost no line when I got to my polling place today,although there was a woman in front of me who didn’t realize she had to register before she could vote–not sure she should have a say in what happens if she’s that unclear on the process. I thought I’d take this opportunity to walk you through the Illinois ballot and why I voted the way I did.

First, a referendum to call a new constitutional convention. I voted yes, because I’m hoping if they have one, the people writing the new constitution will be wearing powdered wigs. Then it was time for the presidential race. These people have no sense of dramatic structure–that should have obviously been last on the ballot. And I really wish I had done more research. I knew that in addition to Obama and McCain, there would be Cynthia McKinney from the Green Party and the Three Grumpy Men on the fringe (Ralph, Ron, Bob–pretty sure you’re gonna just miss the cut, guys), but I had no idea there was a Constitution Party candidate (on every issue, he’s basically opposed to abortion), and my new hero is New Party candidate John J. Polachek.

In a classic case of Illinois political weirdness, although 25,000 signatures are required for a new party to appear on the ballot, and Polachek collected exactly zero, if nobody contests the petition you file, the state puts you on the ballot. Nobody contested, so there he was. Here’s what we know about Mr. Polachek. He’s a fifty-one year old taxi driver living in Rogers Park. Period. In an era where we are drowning in minutiae, I find it refreshing that we don’t know anything about this guy. Oh–and we know he did not select a running-mate…the ballot actually said ‘None Listed,’ which tells me he thought to himself–’Don’t worry–I got this.’ And his only policy statement was, according to the State Board of Elections, a handwritten note that said ninety-five percent of his passengers agreed with his ideas. Good enough for me, and I hope he runs again.

A quick wikipedia check shows five other parties with a presidential candidate on more than one state ballot. You know, I’m not sure we should get all parliamentarian and give credence to every fringe party like Israel does–I think there is such a thing as too much democracy. In Israel, my Facebook friends and I would actually have to be included in a coalition government. But maybe we could elect two presidents, one from the two main parties and one from all the others–we’d call that person the Fringe President, and the FP would be allowed to vote on things like ceremonial days, and naming buildings.

This is how unaware McCain is–he spent all that effort trying to label Obama a socialist, when ,there are actually three different REAL socialists running for president. It gets a little confusing, because there’s a Socialist Party, a Socialist Workers party, and a Socialism and Liberation Party (maybe these people should get together, sort of a strength in numbers thing). The S&L Party website says they got on the ballot in Rhode Island, so they’ve got momentum, while the SW Party has a small problem in that its candidate (Roger Calero) is constitutionally ineligible to serve, as a resident alien with a felony conviction for selling marijuana. The best of the bunch is the old-school Socialist Party, which has actually announced it’s cabinet (Jeremiah Wright as UN Ambassador–that oughta shake things up).

Now for the fringiest of the fringe. There is a Prohibition Party candidate , and as a bonus, on his website you can see some of his paintings, which is cool. There is a new Boston Tea Party,  which certainly has the simplest platform and for inspiration quotes lyrics from “Les Miserables.”  And lastly, the Objectivist Party (and where was coverage of their convention?) is based entirely on the writings of Ayn Rand, which, based on the thirty or so pages of ‘The Fountainhead’ I was able to get through in college, might limit their appeal.

For U.S. Senator, I voted for the incumbent, because though I admire the Green Party platform, I would be worried that someone who’s that far outside the Beltway might actually miss a lot of votes just by getting lost in the Senate building. Besides, they would be called a ‘freshman’ senator, and that makes me think there would be all kinds of hazing.

Then the ballot got a little strange, because for State senate and the House about fifteen candidates in a row ran unopposed, which made it feel a little like voting in Soviet Russia.

Now I always thought judges were appointed, but at least in Illinois, we have to vote for them. Every freaking one of them. For some, there was an actual race between two people I hadn’t heard of, and for about a hundred and fifty, you were just supposed to decide whether or not to ‘retain’ them. Nobody I know who voted knew anything about these judges, and the only information I found in the voter guide was that they all were deemed ‘qualified.’ So, since I wasn’t about to give up my right to vote on anything, I had to come up with a system. This was my system:

1. In a race between a man and a woman, I chose the woman. I just think they’re more nurturing, and if I ever have to face a judge, I want a nurturing one. Likewise, I voted to ‘retain’ all female judges, with the exceptions noted below.
2. I have may Irish friends in Chicago, and I mean no disrespect to the good men and women of the Emerald Isle, but I think it’s safe to say the Irish are fairly well represented in Chicago politics. So, I generally voted against people with Irish surnames. Just in the interest of balance.
3. Also in the interest of balance, I voted for people with non-Irish names, like Otaka and Wojkowski.
4. I voted to not retain Edmund Ponce de Leon, because of that whole ‘fountain of youth’ thing.
5. I voted against a guy named Nixon, just instinctively.
6. I voted against anyone who, in quotation marks, was listed by a nickname that any idiot could figure out without the quotation marks. I think we know that James Williamson can also be called ‘Jim’.
7. I voted against Katherine ‘Kitty’ McCarthy, because ‘Kitty’ sounds more like a stripper than a judge, and if she’s choosing to be listed on the ballot as ‘Kitty,’ her judgement is questionable.
8. I voted against John Thomas Doody for entirely sophomoric reasons. Seriously–Judge Doody?

There you have it–my voting experience. Now I’m going to Crispy Creme, proud to live in a nation in which my reward for voting is a glazed hunk of dough.