Mister Comedy

I would have posted sooner, but I’ve been busy preparing for an appearance in front of Congress. See, I was under the impression that the country was running out of money, but apparently you just have to ask for it. Granted, the auto bailout didn’t pass the senate, but it looks like they’ll just take fourteen billion out of the seven hundred billion that was already approved to bailout Wall Street. All this will, of course, be overseen by someone they’re calling the ‘car czar,’ an unfortunate term–what with all the criticism of Obama’s supposedly ’socialist’ leanings.

We really can’t let the auto industry collapse. If that happened, Detroit would become an empty desolate wasteland–oh wait…that’s what it is now. Anyway, I figure while they’re handing out money, I should get in line. It oughta be an easy pitch, since all I really need is five, six hundred bucks. And since the auto execs got some flack for taking private jets to D.C., I would even be willing to take Greyhound.

Here in the Land of Lincoln, we know money is always the answer. I’m not surprised that our governer was willing to sell Obama’s senate seat. I am a little surprised he couldn’t close the deal. Blagojevich’s problem (which sounds like the name of some arcane mathematical excercise–I think we had to solve that in calculus class) was that he was all over the map as far as what he wanted. According to the tapes, he wanted a Cabinet post, then he’s asking about running the Red Cross, or maybe a high-ranking union job–I mean, decide what the seat’s worth, for bleep’s sake. And just pick one buyer, instead of dealing with five. C’mon, this is basic sales technique. Keep it simple.

The fact that the transcripts even exist is amazing. If your administration is the subject of a months-long federal investigation, it’s pretty likely your phone will be tapped. Might want to discuss violating the state constitution somewhere other than your own house…go to a corner bar–there’s a few of them in Chicago. And the swearing cracks me up, because it reads like he’s auditioning for a stage version of ‘Scarface.’

Norm Coleman probably wishes he could just buy the Minnesota senate seat, but unfortunately, the good folks in Minnesota are actually trying to count all the votes that were cast. Having lived in Minnesota, this is the time of year when you’re stuck indoors anyway, so you might as well take that time to count votes. Have each precinct captain make a hot dish, mull some cider and get it right. Not much else to do in Brainerd or Round Lake in December–it’s that or scrapbooking. I really hope Franken wins, simply because he would become the first elected official in history to admit to having dropped acid.

Speaking of winter, I’m looking out my window as I write this, and it’s quite lovely–if I didn’t have to actually WALK OUTSIDE. But take it from a guy with a limp and a cane–one person’s glistening city sidewalk is another person’s treacherous path to the bus stop. Winter wonderland my ass–as far as I’m concerned, it’s just a lot of places where I can slip and crack my skull on the curb. Hope you’re all having a good holiday!