Mister Comedy

Here’s why I hate trying to write topical humor. Not only are there five late night talk shows with ten writers each, and SNL, and MadTV, the Onion, and eight thousand topical blogs, but most of my hipper friends have enough technology at their disposal to simply send a one-liner on Twitter (and I’m not even sure what that is)–and poof! a joke intended for this blog has been taken. Last night, I jot down a little gag about scratching off an Illinois lottery ticket and winning a senate seat, and this morning, my friend Matt does THE EXACT SAME FREAKING JOKE as his status update on Facebook. Don’t get me wrong–I’m not saying it was comedy gold, and it’s kind of an easy angle, but it’s still a little frustrating.

Loved watching the clip of the Iraqi journalist throwing his shoes at Bush. Can’t watch it often enough. Especially the part where he throws his OTHER shoe–apparently believing the first shoe didn’t effectively communicate his point. And Bush dodged the shoe like a champ (granted, he’s had eight years of experience dodging things–accountability, criticism, responsibility)–seriously, he looked like Neo in ‘The Matrix’

I wish our press conferences were a little more rough-and-tumble.  I just have the feeling that politicians would be less inclined to bullshit if they knew they might have to dodge footwear. Overall I think the Fourth Estate (and I recently learned what the other three are from a Simpsons episode, which says something culturally) has become too wimpy. That’s one the things I love about Chicago. Since we still have two competing daily newspapers, one of them gets to be more…muckraking. It may not be as intellectual as the Tribune, but when there’s local dirt to dig, I always go to the Sun-Times first.

I also think Congress is too polite. I’d rather see Congress be more like the British Parliament. Used to love watching Parliament sessions on C-Span (C-Span is like a porn channel for political junkies). In Parliament, they actually mutter insults while the Prime Minister is speaking. Our political discourse could use a little loosening up–screw ‘parliamentary procedure,’ I want to hear Barney Frank interrupt Mitch McConnell with a little “Girlfriend, please!” In an open session of Congress, a member should be allowed to take five minutes to ridicule his rival across the aisle. “I would like to use the balance of my time to point out that my colleague from the great state of West Virginia is a backwards-thinking troglodyte.” You want to get voters involved in the political process, add a little name-calling–you’d have people at the water cooler at work saying things like “Did you hear Tom Daschle lay into Saxby Chambliss yesterday? Snap!” Apropos of nothing, ‘Saxby’ is a silly name. What, were his parents playing Scrabble when he was conceived?

As the Blago scandal ratchets up, I’m reminded of another thing I like about Chicago. In cities that are a bit more smug, this kind of scandal would be cause for outrage–time for the townspeople to light torches. Here, it’s like–yeah, they’re all crooked. The average working-stiff Chicagoan just shrugs and goes back to work. When Daley was up for coronation re-election, a survey showed that somethintg like seventy-six percent of voters believed he was connected to some form of corruption. And he won the election by pretty much the same margin. It’s sort of like a Mussolini effect–the trains are running, the garbage gets picked up, who cares who’s getting paid off. We’re gonna get the Olympics, and we have tons of bike paths!

I try not to bitch about the weather here, but today is one of those ridiculous days. This afternoon, a balmy forty-eight degrees. Tonight–eight degrees. I really don’t understand how the midwest was settled. Let’s say the westbound pioneers got here in…June. Beautiful skies over the endless plains, frolicking in the lake. But a few months later, when it became butt-fucking cold (sorry about the language, but that is an actual meteorological term)…PACK UP AND KEEP GOING WEST! It’s not like the very first Chicagoans were tied to mortgages and leases–get in the wagon and find someplace warmer! Don’t just…give up! Point your wagons south! Anywhere–just build your city someplace where a suffocating blanket of cold and ice doesn’t bury you for three months!