Mister Comedy

Well, it’s official. Professor Igor Panarin, an esteemed Russian academic and former KGB analyst with the Russian Foreign Ministry, has said there is a 45-55 percent chance that the American empire will collapse by the end of 2010. This, from the Chicago Tribune:

Mr. Panarin posits, in brief, that mass immigration, economic decline, and moral degradation will trigger a civil war next fall and the collapse of the dollar. Around the end of June 2010, or early July, he says, the U.S. will break into six pieces — with Alaska reverting to Russian control.

Well there you have it. I especially like the Alaska part–now Sarah Palin will actually BE in Russia when she’s at her house. And of course, if anyone would be good at predicting the collapse of an empire, it would be the Russians. But if Comrade Panarin is right, so many questions come to mind, the first being, will Governor Blagojovich be calling Vladimir Putin to try and buy a Politburo seat? One other note from our friends in Russia–according to a national television survey, Josef Stalin was named third-greatest Russian in history, and in classic Russian fashion, he was also named second-greatest Russian and greatest Russian. Ah, memories.

Growing up, I listened to a lot of talk radio. It used to be like a neighborhood of the airwaves–just people talking over the metaphorical back fence about things that mattered to the community. I gave up on the medium when it got co-opted by fire-breathing right-wing hatemongers, but lately, since I’m not sleeping too well, I’ve started to tune in again. Sure, there are still plenty of xenophobes and reactionaries on the air, but they’re my neighbors too, and I might as well be neighborly and listen. Like Mike Gallagher, the popular host who this week explained why he believes that the Iraqi loafer-launching journalist should have been shot to death by the Secret Service. Seriously. Yeah, what better way to show Iraquis what democracy means than a little disproportionate whup-ass without due process.

One caller on Dennis Prager’s show had a more personal topic. Seems her mother-in-law wouldn’t speak to her since she named her son ‘Job.’ Now I can see Grandma’s point–what with the name ‘Job’ representing eternal suffering for most of western civilization. But it’s not like he’s gonna get teased by his schoolmates–kids don’t read enough these days to know who Job was. Now the boy in Hunterdon County, Pennsylvania whose parents named him Adolf Hitler Campbell might have a tougher go of it come yearbook time. And why am I not surprised that Wal-Mart was willing to decorate his birthday cake?

You know, Professor Panarin might be on to something as far as our moral degradation is concerned. Consider the guy who, on Christmas Day, became so angry at a father and son talking during a showing of “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” that he shot the father…with the handgun he brought with him to the theater. Now I’ll admit I have wanted to shoot at the screen during certain movies, but did this guy at least think about…’oh, getting the usher first?

One more question when you look at this guy:  If you had to guess what movie he was watching , would you have guessed “Benjamin Button”?

Saw my favorite holiday bumper sticker the other day. It said “Santa Is A Teamster,” which makes sense, since he’s fat, only works a few days a year,  and can’t lose his job.  Christmas of course brought with it my favorite meteorological phrase–’a wintry mix.’ Now there’s descriptive, verifiable hard science for you. Anyway, I realized a long time ago that weather forecasting is actually just pseudo-science, like astrology, or phrenology. Think about it–when the weatherman says there’s a fifty percent chance of rain, that’s basically saying it might rain, or it might not.

So, I’ll wrap this up by saying there’s a forty to sixty percent chance that 2009 will be better than 2008 was. But don’t hold me to that. And have a happy new year.