Mister Comedy

I’ve joined the 21st century. Now, instead of muttering to myself, I can send my random, unfocused ranting across the entire world. Lucky world.

I take this responsibility very seriously, and in that mindset, I’ll tell you why I’m doing this. But before that, let me just say how much I hate the word ‘blog’—it sounds like something you accidentally step in, or the name of a bad CGI alien from the original Star Trek (“Captain—the Blog has taken control of the ship—it’s compromised the shields!”).

So, first off, this is not a blog. Think of it as an occasional column that, on occasion, will be funny. In truth, I’m doing this because I realized that I was one of only twenty or thirty people on Earth who don’t have a blog column. There are seventh-graders with blogs. That’s just wrong.

You wouldn’t think putting my creativity on display would be scary for me, since I’ve done standup comedy on and off for about 25 years, and if you can face a room full of drunks who just had their TVs turned off and were forced to listen to someone they don’t know, you should be able to face anything.

But seeing my stuff in print–YIKES! It’s so…tangible. If I tell a joke in a bar and it dies, both the audience and I can forget the whole thing happened. And other than the occasional heckler, nobody comments on your work. But about a year ago, I took several deep breaths, sat at my computer, and started to write. I had always claimed to be a comedian/writer (I’m originally from L.A., where you’re required to be a ’something/something else’), but my writing until recently had mostly consisted of a folder drawer box full of notes, concepts, ideas, outlines…well you get the idea. I had trouble with the whole ‘beginning, middle and end’ part of writing.

Anyway, before you read my blog column, here is my pledge to you:

• I will not use this column to tell you what I had for breakfast, what’s on my iPod, or how cool my friends are.
• I will not refer to Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or ‘Dancing With the Stars.’
• I will not use emoticons.
• I will try to never use the word ‘blogosphere.’
• I will try to post something new every week.
• That having been said, I won’t be able to post something new every week. Get over it. If going to my column and not seeing something new is ‘a waste of your time,’ then you didn’t really have enough time to go to my column in the first place.
• I welcome comments. Just know that if you criticize what I write, it could send me spiraling into a dark, depressed place where I feel I have nothing of value to contribute as a human being, after which I will stop showering, sever all ties to my family and friends, and assume the fetal position under my desk. But feel free to comment.