Mister Comedy

I’ve never craved power,  happy to just tell my little jokes and make a few good points in print. Just trying to change the world five hundred words at a time. Granted, I ran an unsuccessful mayoral campaign (for highlights, click here), but I fell just a bit short. In fact, I thought I’d retired from politics, but sometimes everything aligns in such a way that you simply have to seize an opportunity. That’s right, Illinois–I am now prepared to take over as Governer of this great state.

I realize I’m not legally governor (something of an oxymoron here), I’m just claiming the job until they elect someone new. First, a little background for the voters. I have always voted Democratic, except for the year in California when I switched my registration to the Peace and Freedom Party. Suffice to say, there was a woman involved. And some weed. On the issues, I’m opposed to crime, and in favor of education. I will save the state millions of dollars by running official business from my studio apartment,, and since I am currently unemployed, I will have the time to devote at least three hours each day to solving the state’s budget crisis.

The state’s unemployment will be addressed by the creation of several massive public works projects.  First, we build a giant insulating dome over the city of Chicago, thereby courting conventions and tourist dollars even in the middle of winter. Second, to reduce traffic congestion, we will build a vast network of laser-guided magnetic supersonic light rail lines to connect Chicago with…whatever the other cities in Illinois are.

Now here’s the most visionary part of my plan. Forget ’sin’ taxes, which clearly haven’t stopped people from smoking or drinking (every smoker I know has said things like “When cigarettes get to be more than _______ dollars a pack, I’m quitting,” and in reality, we would buy them for fifty dollars a pack out of the back of a van).  Instead, we tax healthy things. Soy milk. Broccoli. Bicycles. Especially bicycles. And everything related to bicycles–tax their goofy little blinking lights, tax their ridiculous bells and tax their helmets which apparently make them feel invincible as they cross three lanes of rush hour traffic and ignore stop lights even though the helmet will only protect your skull while the rest of your body can still get RUN OVER! Sorry. Bicyclists just seem a little full of themselves sometimes.

So, I’m available, people. Oh, and to avoid any possibility of getting caught up in some pay-for-play, graft-fueled corruption scandal, I will sever all ties with any professional politicians. I will only talk to my closest friends. Just my buds. Who will also be my advisors. And who will serve in various positions in my administration. In the meantime, I need to get fitted for my toupe.