In a development that has rocked the world of particle physics, scientists at a hastily arranged press conference have admitted to losing the long sought-after and recently discovered ‘God particle.’ Just days after finding the mysterious subatomic particle, flustered researchers in Switzerland released a tersely worded statement about the disappearance of the bosun.
Our long national nightmare, otherwise known as Election 2012, is finally over. There are a few questions, though, that remain unanswered: Will despondent Republicans try to form an alternate country, free of entitled moochers, under the steady leadership of Ted Nugent? Will Mitt Romney re-invent himself again and try to run in 2016 as a […]
I found a screw on the floor today. Thing is, I don’t think anything I own that’s held together by screws is missing any of its screws. So what could this mean? Is it a clue—some sort of omen? What kind of ‘Lost’-inspired sign is this? Of course, if my life were being scripted by […]
So, after this Chilean earthquake, I’m browsing around the web looking for fodder, and the headline at MSNBC says “Pope To Pray For Chile.” Now, I think it’s great for Benedict to take a break from repressing women and spreading misinformation about AIDS, my problem is that it was a headline. As if it were…news. […]
It was a couple of weeks after my then-friend Kevin had called me and said “Turn on the TV—we’re under attack.” Now, I’m not a morning person, so my first instinct was to hang up. But then I started to assemble the words into some sort of sense—we’re…under…attack. I then spent the better part of […]
During an appearance with Oprah Winfrey, President Barack Obama today resigned from office, claiming he had become “tired of dealing with knuckleheads.” What follows are excerpts from the surprisingly frank hour-long interview: Oprah: This week many people are celebrating the killing of Osama Bin Laden, yet your poll numbers are still just slightly over fifty […]