The DNC Has An Idea..

The good folks at Humor Times published this as well, so when you’re done here, wander over there!

(INTERIOR, secret DNC bunker located beneath a D.C. pizza parlor)

TOM PEREZ: Alright, people—I’ll get right to it…where are we with Project Bubble Wrap?

Technician: Well, we have him wrapped as tightly as we can, so he can’t inappropriately touch anyone, but he still seems to be able to talk, so…

TP: Goddammit! We’ve only got a few months before the election! We can’t keep risking a gaffe every time he tries to reach out! He told an LGBT fundraiser that, quote, “if you people like musicals as much as I think you do, you won’t vote for the orange man!” And then he winked! It was creepy! I think we have to activate. . . . ‘Protocol Cryo!”

Tech: (terrified) But…it’s never been tried! We don’t know what will happen if—

TP: I don’t care! This party cannot lose to that creamicle-colored ignoramus again! Not on my watch!

ELIZABETH WARREN: Actually, I have a plan for—

TP: Not now, Liz.

BERNIE SANDERS: If Joe is wrapped in plastic, I could gesture for him! With my arms, like this! (gestures) And, you know, yell things at people!

TP: (exasperated) No, Bernie…we’ve discussed this. Joe is gonna be the nominee. We just have to find a way to keep him from talking until November 4th.

BS: One percent!

(SANDERS is forcibly removed from the room)

TP: So, the plan is to cryogenically freeze Biden, leaving him in a state of suspended animation until Election Day. Any questions?

PETE BUTTIGIEG: Do I still get to be Secretary of Defense? Because South Bend Indiana is REALLY boring.You know, I actually served in Afghanistan—

TP: We know, Pete. And you’re gay. We know. When we wake Joe, you can ask him.

PB: Cool.

(suddenly, HILLARY CLINTON mysteriously appears in a puff of smoke)

HC: I shall be your nominee! It is my birthright, and I shall claim the throne! (to TP) Too much?

TP: A little. Look, Hill, you lost to Trump four years ago—as much as I’m sure we all agree (looks around room for agreement) that you are ‘entitled’ to the job, a lot of people don’t . . . like you.

HC: THEY WILL RUE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS! INFIDELS! (HC suddenly vanishes into a puff of smoke)

TP: Well, that was awkward. Anyway, is . . . Biden here? We need to get him prepped for the procedure.

(BIDEN is wheeled into room, sheathed in bubble wrap)

JOE BIDEN: Yer darn tootin’ I’m here, just like I was here in 2008 when an articulate black fella named Barack Obama made me his vice-president! Bet ya didn’t know that, did ya?

TP: Yeah, we will… be sure to mention that during the campaign. Now, you do know what this procedure means, right?

JB: Albso-tootly-ootly! It’s like this friend of mine used to say to me, fella by the name of, well, we called him ‘Chicken Neck’ when we used to play Uno together down at the rail yards. This was before I was Barack Obama’s vice president and before all that internet nonsense, and I just want you to know that I never meant to say anything that offended anybody, and I look forward to serving as your next Secretary of Trains!

TP: O…K. Well, let’s put him under.

Now, we still have some things to work out…we’re not quite sure about the debate format, since we don’t want our candidate to actually say anything.

For now, the plan is to just run a Chiron at the bottom of the screen during the debates, and every time the camera cuts to Joe we’re just going to have it say “vice president under Barack Obama.” Except the ‘vice president’ part will be in really tiny letters.

Now, do we all remember what you say when someone on the other side attacks?’ Anyone?

WOMAN IN BACK: He may be an old sexual predator, but at least he’s not your guy?

TP: No . . . We can’t exactly put that on a lawn sign, now can we? Come on, people… We’ve been over this! What’s our slogan for 2020?

GUY IN BACK: (timidly) A little bit better than Trump?

TP: That’s it! Now let me hear everybody–A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP! A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP!

(everyone in room joins in chant) A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP! A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP! BETTER THAN TRUMP!

TP: We got this. The election’s in the bag.

(Off-screen narration by MORGAN FREEMAN) But they did not, in fact, have this, and the election was not, in fact, “in the bag.”

COMEDY in a TIME of PLAGUE

I’m sure everybody’s quarantine experience is different, and all of us are dealing with it in our own ways.  As I try to process this weird time, I’m not even sure what to call it—although I think historians will call it the Great Toilet Paper Panic.  Seriously, people—if you need thirty-six rolls of toilet paper for a three-month-long lockdown, you’ve got other health issues that you should have addressed before Covid-19. Continue reading

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What’s Mikey Making?

I don’t have many rules about what I eat, but every day, I try to have some protein, some fiber, and something green. The ‘something green’ is usually a vegetable, since I have recently learned that sour green apple Starbursts, while green, are not technically food.

For today’s protein, I chose something with a high risk factor, that’s challenging to prepare, and something that, under normal circumstances, I would avoid. Continue reading

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Tiny Resolutions

Well, we made it. And by we, I obviously mean those of us who actually made it–if you didn’t make it to 2020, you’re probably not reading this. Although maybe you are, on some other plane of existence–I’m a comedy writer, not a philosopher.

For those of us taking another spin around the Sun, its time for resolutions! Now, if New Year’s resolutions stress you out, you can blame the Babylonians, who made promises to repay their debts and return things they borrowed. They made these promises to their gods every year , which, I imagine, must have been even more stressful than posting a list on Facebook.

Right now, it’s 9:03 PM on January 1st, and since I resolved to write something new for my website every day, I’m already behind. I’m already disappointing myself, and we’re only twenty-one hours into this thing! While a part of me wants to just get back in  bed for the next three hundred and sixty-four days (“Well, I screwed up–I’ll try this again next year”), I may have a better idea.

We set ourselves up for disappointment (and judgement) by making our resolutions too hard! What’s wrong with a little incremental improvement? I say we all stop trying to get a perfect score, and shoot for a solid B, or a B minus even! If you do achieve some huge goal in the next year, all you’ve really done is messed up the curve for the rest of us…

With that in mind, I’ve come up with some very small resolutions for myself, and you’re welcome to join me, as we commit to trying our best to make partial progress toward sort of making a kind of start at doing the things we all probably should be doing over the next year. If we can–no biggie if these don’t work out.

HYDRATION: I have heard, since I was a kid, that you should drink at least eight eight-ounce glasses of water every day. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. What I can shoot for is to drink some water…I mean, the pitcher is right next to the coffee pot, so would it be that hard to drink a little water between cups of coffee, and maybe have a little before bed? No, it would not. Hell, if the roommates aren’t around, I could drink some right out of the pitcher! Who’s gonna know?

DIET: Far too many people get caught up in trying to restructure their entire diet, vowing to never eat this, or always eat that. Well, here’s a thought–instead of shoving the latest trending superfoods into your piehole, and becoming miserably sad because you’re depriving yourself of duck fat fries for no good reason, how about just don’t eat an entire bag of chocolate-covered pretzels the next time you’re stoned?

Or, what about not spending ten bucks at Del Taco at midnight just because “almost everything was on the dollar menu” and you “didn’t feel like cooking.”

EXERCISE:  You’re not gonna join a gym, and if you do join a gym, you’ll stop going by mid-March, because going to a gym is a drag. It’s like P.E. for grown-ups, and everyone else at the gym looks better than you. Seriously, why are some of those people still working out? You’re done! You’re already ‘in shape”–now you’re just making the rest of us feel bad!

You  know what you can do? Walk to the store instead of driving there. Pause Netflix, watch one less hour of “The Crown,” walk around the block a couple times, and you’re exercising! Achievable goals…

TRAVEL: It’s admirable to want to explore new cultures, and experience new cuisines and customs, but you know what? Maybe we should all just get to know our own neighbors first, and see how that goes. Again–walk around the block a couple of times, meet some new people that way.

FINANCES: Likewise, you will not be getting out of debt this year. But, just a thought–you could make it your goal to to avoid using your credit card for that round of two-dollar Jager shots that you’ll regret tomorrow. Also, maybe stop writing checks for more than you have in your account, just because the bank ‘let’s you.’

LEARNING SOMETHING NEW: Okay, slow down. Before you spend money on dance classes, or foreign language lessons, or a new cello (see FINANCES, above), maybe make use of something you already have, like that book on yoga someone gave you three years ago. Nobody will know that you resolved to start doing yoga three years ago.

BEING NICER: This is a good idea I suppose, but what if, by nature, you’re just not a nice person? No judgement–you’re just not that guy. Then maybe, instead of trying to be ‘nicer’ to people, you should resolve to avoid people…that might be the nicest thing you could do for them.

I’m sure it’s not hard to see why I’m in such demand as a life coach. My approach is simple–I want you to accomplish everything you want in the new year, but to do that, you need to want less! What if, instead of a few people realizing all of their yearly goals, while most people fail before the snow melts, we all resolved to just be slightly better, across the board?

Speaking of accomplishment, I just realized that I might actually be finished with this piece, and it’s before midnight, so maybe I can write a new piece every day this year! Or, maybe I’ll call this a win, and take the rest of the year off. I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself. Happy New Year!

A Holiday Story

As I write this, it’s Christmas Eve, and the third night of Hanukkah It’s also been a night spent thinking about Calvin, and Hobbes. Not the historical figures, although nothing says ‘holiday cheer’ quite like the writings of a dour sixteenth century theologian and a misanthropic seventeenth century philosopher.

Maybe I should back up a bit. I never much liked the comic strip called ‘Calvin and Hobbes,’ but Marrissa loved them. Sorry, I need to back up even more… Continue reading

I’m (Not Quite As) Afraid of Baking (As I Used To Be)

I devoted an entire chapter in my first book, (“Does This Taste Funny?”), to my utter fear of all things baking. Not cooking mind you–I love to experiment in the kitchen, because cooking is forgiving. If you left a spice out, add it later. Undercooked? Put it back in the oven.

But not you, baking. No, you expect everything to be precise. Your temperature has to be exact…timing must be exact…every amount measured just so. . . Apparently in your world, you can’t substitute say, mayonnaise for eggs, even though mayonnaise is made from eggs. Apparently, you can’t just swap out cardamom for, say, nutmeg, even though nobody knows what cardamom actually is. Continue reading

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