American culture has cruised along just fine for decades because of one fundamental understanding--that on Sunday, you either went to church OR you watched sports on TV. Now, even that basic tenet has been destroyed as every overpaid grandstanding professional athlete feels obliged to bring his church to the game

The most ridiculous example is the boxer who, seconds after beating his fellow man unconscious, adopts a solemn pose and thanks God for his talents. HELLO--YOU WON BECAUSE YOU INJURED A MAN SO SEVERELY THAT HE COLLAPSED! There is nothing I've found in anyone's scripture that says "Not only the righteous but also those who hit people in the head really hard shall be blessed"!  Now I could see it if the winning fighter said something like "Forgive me God for taking these riches, and let me ride in the ambulance to make sure my fellow man is O.K."

In baseball's 1987 All-Star Game, then Twins shortstop Greg Gagne, who had already annoyed several of his teammates with his 'missionary' work, held up his batting glove in front of a national broadcast audience to reveal the words "Jesus is Lord." Now, beyond the arrogant assumption that we CARE who Greg Gagne worships, what about those who don't agree that "Jesus is Lord"? There might be, I don't know, Jews watching, or Moslems, or Buddhists. It's not like Sandy Koufax ever wrote "Shema Yisrael" on the bill of his cap--sure, he didn't pitch on his Sabbath, but he didn't try to get us to convert either.

I believe there are areas in which God would rather be…in the background. Like the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field. Before the Green Bay Packers became hip (yeah, and I'm sure God wants to be associated with a congregation of drunk bratwurst-eatingWisconsinites with plastic cheese hats and no shirts --"From these shall I build My flock"), the Packers were just a bunch of tough sons of bitches coached by a tougher son of a bitch named Lombardi.You couldn't really picture Ray Nietschke sitting in church any more than you could picture Billy Graham playing middle linebacker. You won games by plowing your opponent into the turf, not because of your religious beliefs. Flash forward to the nineties and the mighty Packer defense was led by Reggie White--an ordained minister! That is so wrong. I want my middle linebacker to be a recently parolled felon, not a preacher. I'm not saying Reggie wasn't tough, but I'm a little worried that on some critical play, instead of sacking the quarterback, a player who's really into Christianity might suddenly become ,well…really Christian. See, Christianity is about peace, and love, and all those other squishy feelings. Jesus never said that the meek would inherit the Super Bowl trophy.

And it's not just the occasional prayer in the end zone that disturbs me. I look at those gestures the same way I view touchdown dances--silly, but at least they don't last long. It's the post-game interviews:

"What are your chances for a championship this year?"

"I just want to thank God for giving me the chance to praise Him--

"Do you think this team has a problem getting motivated ?"

"My motivation is to serve God."

You know, if players are gonna insist on including God as part of the story, I think reporters should really test their faith:

"Hey, since God blessed you with all this talent , don't you feel you've let down The Almighty by throwing three interceptions today, and therefore you've actually betrayed Him and should spend eternity in Hell?"

All I'm saying is that religion and the average sports fan have different agendas. As a fan, I want to be able to yell "Kill that bastard--and then rip his head off!" without being confronted with moral dilemmas, and I don't want my cleanup batter to suddenly love his enemy, the pitcher. I leave my soul at the stadium gate--and my God is O.K. with this! I'm pretty sure My God wants to smite the people who hold up signs that say "John 3:16" -- Don't you think it sorta trivializes the message if the messenger takes the form of a fat guy in a rainbow-colored wig sitting with a beer in row 36 at the Garden?

So if you're an athlete or a fan, do take the time to go to the church or synagogue of your choice. Sign up for missionary work in Zaire. Donate your entire salary to the Sisters of Mercy. But do me and God a favor--once the whistle blows, just play the fucking game.