The following is a transcript of a press conference given by God…
Before I take your questions, I have some new policies to announce, and I’d like to clear up some misconceptions. First let’s talk about those ten commandments. Now I thought you could handle ten, but clearly that was too much to ask, so if you’ll get out my book, we’ll cut the list down to a couple of basics. Hmmm…adultery, graven images, my name in vain…Alright—how ‘bout we just say don’t kill, steal or lie and move on.
Next—how did the universe start. Like you guys don’t have more important things to worry about, but here’s the deal. Your Earth rests on the back of a giant tortoise—kidding, but you bought that for a while. Well, if you must know, I was, for lack of a better word, sitting around one day, and thought, sure I’m all-powerful and all-knowing, but what does it mean. What do I mean? So I created a life form that would question my existence, hoping that you would come up with some answers—you know, like when you can’t find something so you have someone else look for it. Oh sure I can keep creating things, destroying things, creating, destroying…but you’re the only creation of mine that seems to like talking to me.
That doesn’t mean, however, that I single people out and tell them to do things. I have never spoken with the one you call ‘Pat Robertson,’ and I don’t tell people to kill people! If one of you decides to, for instance, shoot a doctor because you don’t believe in abortion, I had nothing to do with it--it’s all you. Don’t tell people it’s my will. Please. That really bugs me.
Now we’ll take a few questions—
Yes, but that would be stupid.
Obviously, Dick York.
Unfortunately, you’re not really advanced enough beings to understand, but I will say that those missing socks all return to the laundry room--in some form.
Well, not really. When I made everything, I did notice a sound, but it was more of a "whoosh" than a bang. I have no idea what caused it.
Oh sure...Want the short list? Kansas, those little gnats that fly around all summer, and...I have no idea what I was thinking with Anderson Cooper.
That is an excellent question. I’m glad to have the chance to address it. You see, no one is more aware than I am of how many innocent people suffer. But what you don’t realize is the meaning behind all the needless suffering, the whole point, for example, of good people being killed and whatnot is that to really understand the background to this issue you have to look at the underlying issues, a--I’m sorry, but that’s all the time I’ve got—I hope I’ve answered some of your questions, and I’ll meet with you all again very soon. Thank you.