Look people--it's time we realized something. St. Paul is unnecessary. Enough of this 'Twin Cities' crap. The folks across the river have been hanging onto our coattails for too long. In no other metropolitan areadoes a fluke of geography force a really interesting city to be married a really dull one--nobody thinks of East Saint Louis as a part of the 'real' St. Louis...nobody thinks of East St. Louis, period. Once I am elected, I will post National Guard troops at various border crossings, and if people from Pig's Eye want to come to Target Center, Target Field, or...even a Target store, they will pay an admission to enter our city.
I believe the most serious problem facing our great city is that of overweight tourists walking too slowly. Whether it's Nicollet Mall, the Loring Park or Hennepin Avenue, these people, with their families spread out six across, lolligagging as they spot things they saw in a movie, are more than a nuisance--they are a public safety hazard. In the interest of job growth and to insure that Minneapolitans who actually have somewhere to go will be able to use our sidewalks unimpeded, I propose that New Yorkers be hired to walk directly behind the tourists, occasionally yelling things like "Keep movin', people!" and "No, Mary Tyler Moore doesn't live here." Eventually we hope issue pointy sticks to this group to help facilitate things, but we're still looking into the legal ramifications
After meeting with several experts, I have determined that Minneapolis has too many homeless people. To remedy this, we will convert the Metrodome into the worlds largest homeless shelter. If the Vikings want to stay in the city, they can apply for time at a local park.
In addition, we have also found that there are people in Minneapolis with more than one home. Solution--on day one of my administration, the city siezes all the extra houses, and turns them into homeless shelters. You have a condo downtown and a house in Minnetonka?--pick one. Nobody needs two places to live.
My first official act will be to outlaw cellular phones, car phones, and any other phones not connected to a stationary object. If you need to make a call, you can damn well pull over and use a public phone. Maybe we'll install a bunch of those cute red phone booths the Brits use, the ones with doors. Bottom line is nobody wants to be on the freeway behind you while you talk to your six-year-old about soccer practice, and nobody wants to sit in bar slumped over his fifth Wild Turkey listening to you scream at your broker.
The city will impound all private vehicles. Only temporarily, while we remove the car alarms. Our studies continue to show that they are pointless and aggravating.
In my campaign, details aren't as important as ideas.