IRAQ--MY PERSPECTIVE

First, an apology to visitors to my website who figure "hey, this guy talks about the news, he must have some stuff about Iraq." Then you checked my website and...nothing. Nada. For months, no pithy observations about our latest national dick-swinging excercise. Well, dear reader, there is nothing more challenging to a liberal comedy writer than a short, successful war. Hell, we didn't even have time to get all our lawn signs out.

So fine. We won. We beat the mighty Iraqi army fair and square--yeah us! Although I think it might have made more sense, if we were in an attackin' mood, to hit, oh, maybe--North Korea? A country whose missiles could actually reach us? Be that as it may, for now, we're in charge. Of course, the rebuilding is the tough part, and we now have to put people in charge of the really important tasks ahead--for instance, we'll have to appoint a Minister of Really Big Holes In The Ground. And I wonder what a family in Appalachia must think when it sees on its neighbor's tv that one of our first priorities is to restore the Iraqi school system--hey, W., do we need to be attacked to get OUR schools fixed?

Speaking of Georgie, when did he become such a bad-ass? I remember when the towers fell, he was--what's the technical military strategic term--hiding. Now he puts on a flight suit and people act like he's Eddie Rickenbacker incarnate. He's still an unelected dweeb!!!  Frankly, George lost me when he started talking about the 'Axis of Evil'--always sounded a bit too Marvel Comics for my taste, ("and to combat the Axis of Evil we have enlisted the Fantastic Four'). I must admit, though, his State of The Union speech before the war was cool. How he sorta referred to France, not exactly by name, but mentioned that there were some countries who see the evidence before them and choose not to...blah blah blah? I think it would have been great if he had followed that by saying "Therefore the United States has decided to attack--France."

The next time you see Tony Blair, could someone please let him know that England is no longer very...important, geopolitically? I want someone to grab him by the lapels and shake him like a toddler. The sun has set on the British Empire, already! You run a tiny island! 

Bush may get to sign things with that nifty presidential auto-pen, Donald Rumsfeld is the one running the show. He reminds me of Jerry Orbach's character on "Law and Order"--an annoying wise-ass. He actually had the gall to say that he didn't care what a retired, decorated general had to say about our military strategy. I could be wrong, Don, but shouldn't we be listening to the guys who actually have the experience. How many men have you led into battle, Donny (and not just by signing something) ?

Honestly, the people I felt sorry for weren't the fine men and women of our Armed Forces--'cuz they signed a piece of paper VOLUNTEERING to go wherever they get sent! We don't have a draft! No, the people I feel sorry for are the journalists--some poor bastard in a chemical suit standing on top of a blown out hotel thinking "Pulitzer Pulitzer Pulitzer Pulitzer."  Then Geraldo Rivera gets kicked out of Iraq. Anyone else think his punishment should have been to be left in Iraq? And can we PLEASE save the word hero for actual...heroes? Listen--if you get your ass captured and then get rescued--you aren't a hero! A patriot, sure. A victim--absolutely. Look it up, people. The heroes would be the ones doing the rescuing.

Enemies, schmenemies. The enemy isn't Iraq, it's Fox News. The enemy isn't Saddam, it's Dan Rather. The media gave us bunker-to bunker coverage...even when NOTHING WAS HAPPENING!  There was, however, at least one TV station blissfully unaware of the whole Gulf War II thing. In Minneapolis, Channel 45, which only airs sitcom reruns, infomercials and dating shows, didn't even break in to their programming. The world may be going to shit, but we've got an hour of "Dharma and Greg"!