People Who Should Be Slapped

This award was given to those entertainers or newsmakers who, when not speaking from a script, do or say things so stupid, so oblivious to the world outside themselves, as to deserve special recognition--they need to be backhanded.

Sadly, the award was discontinued due to too many eligible contenders. We just couldn't make enough trophies. Here are some past winners:

Throughout his career, pandering muckraker--sorry, that should be ' investigative journalist'--Geraldo Rivera has surprisingly never been slapped. Hit with a chair, yes. But until now, he has been overlooked for a much needed backhand--here's his quote about the revelation that he carried a gun with him to cover the war in Afghanistan:

"It's been blown way out of proportion.

Gee, sounds like one of your exposes--Al Capone ring a bell?

It's so unfair.

We'll get someone to investigate right away.

It makes me sound like a tabloid talk show host goes to war."

No, it makes you sound like a FORMER tabloid talk show host goes to war.

Now sometimes, I get a little careless, or a little drunk, and I lose my keys. How do you lose track of a NUCLEAR BOMB??!!! See, Russia used to be part of this big country called the Soviet Union, and they had lots of bombs because for along time they hated us but now they're our ally again so when they broke up they wanted to count up all their nuclear bombs--now, according to the Center for Defense Information, when Gen. Alexander Lebed, the Russian national security chief under Boris Yeltsin, did an inventory on nuclear weapons, he "came up short by something between 50 and 100 suitcases.".

for stupidity on a national scale, this Slappy goes to

the entire nation

of Russia

Honorary Slappy Award

for the first time in its history, the Slappy was bestowed upon a group, not an individual--

THE DEPARTMENT OF IMMIGRATION AND NATURALIZATION SERVICES

The FBI is searching for six men stopped by police in the Midwest last weekend but released - even though they possessed photographs and descriptions of a nuclear power plant in Florida and the Trans-Alaska pipeline. The six men stopped by police were traveling in groups of three in two white sedans, said the senior law enforcement official, who requested anonymity. In addition to the photographs and other suspicious material, they carried "box cutters and other equipment," the official said. They appeared to be from the Middle East. They were let go after the Immigration and Naturalization Service determined the passports were valid and that the men had entered the United States legally.

Now, I'm a big fan of the Constitutional right of any American to carry box cutters and nuclear plans--they were probably just going to a tailgate party-- but don't you think INS could have CALLED the FBI? "Just a heads-up guys...we had these six guys, and now we're gonna let them go...you wanna talk to them for a few minutes?"

The First Occasional Slappy Award

is hereby presented to

GWYNNETH PALTROW

who, when asked if being famous was difficult,

said the following:

"If you think about the whole world focusing on one person that much -- if you pointed that much energy at an atom, it would explode. You think about one poor, tiny girl just trying to make her way through."

THE SLAPPY AWARD

People Who Should Be Slapped

In the tradition of the great Hollywood awards, I look back on the first winners of the Slappy Award.

This award was given to those entertainers or newsmakers who, when not speaking from a script, do or say things so stupid, so oblivious to the world outside themselves, as to deserve special recognition--they need to be backhanded.