Recently, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the world's problems, and frankly I was stumped. Don't get me wrong-- I came up with a lot of answers to life's big questions (what God would call 'hot-button issues' if God were in marketing)-- but I thought nobody would actually listen to me. Then I stopped. I smoked a little weed, drank a little brandy, and started thinking again. That's when I realized that the world NEEDS my help--and if I didn't makes these ideas available to everyone, well, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. And if you can't live with yourself, who do you move in with? But that's a subject for another time. So--here are my helpful solutions to many of the world's problems...If anyone in the government wants to try any of these ideas, they're free. Because I care.

• IDIOT DRUNKS

  Now I'm not talking about the responsible drunk here. I'm not talking about the kind of guy who is, let's say, just trying to make a living as a writer, but because of the whims of the entertainment business has to work at a mind-numbing seven-dollar-an-hour job, while talentless hacks make millions of dollars creating garbage, so in order to cope with the bitterness and crippling depression he might have a few shots at a dive bar before he gets home and then drink enough Ralph's brand whiskey to fall asleep. I'm talking about the real problem drinkers.

  Here's the deal. When you're old enough to drive you take a driving test, right? Well, when you're old enough to buy booze, the state should administer a drinking test . You would go to an actual state office, tell them what you like to drink, and the state will get you drunk. Then you will be placed in different situations that might occur when you're drinking to see if you act like an asshole. If you can handle the tests without getting into a fight, or breaking things, or throwing up, you get a drinking license.

• GUN CONTROL

Yes, guns are a problem in this country. In Canada, where handguns are illegal, there were twenty-one handgun murders all year. I had that many in my apartment building last year. What does this prove? That handguns should be illegal? Maybe, or maybe it proves that Canadians are lousy shots. But we don't need to ban guns. I say, you can have as many guns as you want. However, if you want bullets you should have to buy them one at a time . If you use your bullet, you can go back and buy another one.

• THE DEATH PENALTY

Although we are the only industrialized nation that kills its own citizens, public opinion in the U.S. still supports the death penalty. So, here's an idea that might provide a balance. If someone is given the death penalty, and their innocence is proven later, the prosecutor who asked for capital punishment will be executed, along with the jury that handed down the sentence.

NOW GO HOME