i’m all about solutions

Recently, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the world’s problems, and frankly I was stumped. Don’t get me wrong– I came up with a lot of answers to life’s big questions (what God would call ‘hot-button issues’ if God were in marketing)– but I thought nobody would actually listen to me. Then I realized that the world NEEDS my help–and if I didn’t makes these ideas available to everyone, well, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. And if you can’t live with yourself, who do you move in with? But that’s a subject for another time. So–here are some solutions to the world’s problems. I’ll give you these a few at a time so nobody gets overwhelmed. If anyone in the government wants to try any of these ideas, they’re free. Because I care.


After listening to several experts, I have determined that the country has too many homeless people. I have also found out that there are people in the country with more than one home. Solution—the government seizes all the extra houses, and turns them into homeless shelters. You have a condo downtown and a house in in the burbs?–pick one. Nobody needs two places to live.


In Canada in 2002, where handguns are illegal, there were one hundred forty-nine handgun murders all year. I think I had that many on my block in Chicago last year. What does this prove? That handguns should be illegal? Maybe, or maybe it proves that Canadians are lousy shots. But we don’t need to ban guns. I say, you can have as many guns as you want. However, if you want bullets you should have to buy them one at a time . If you use your bullet, you can go back and buy another one.


Although we are the only industrialized nation that kills its own citizens, public opinion in the U.S. still supports the death penalty. So, here’s an idea that might provide a balance. If someone is given the death penalty, and their innocence is proven later, the prosecutor who asked for capital punishment will be executed, along with the jury that handed down the sentence.


Here’s the deal. When you’re old enough to drive you take a driving test, right? Well, when you’re old enough to buy booze, the state should administer a drinking test . You would go to an actual state office, tell them what you like to drink, and the state will get you drunk. Then you will be placed in different situations that might occur when you’re drinking to see if you act like an asshole. Someone will bump into you, look at you funny, maybe play ‘Free Bird’ on a jukebox…if you can handle these tests without getting into a fight, or breaking things, or screaming “LYNRD SKYNRD!”, you get a drinking license.

Now I’m not talking about the responsible drinker here. I’m not talking about the kind of guy who is, let’s say, just trying to make a living as a writer, but because of the whims of the entertainment business has to look for work at a mind-numbing eight-dollar-an-hour job, while talentless hacks make millions of dollars creating garbage, so in order to cope with the bitterness and crippling depression he might have a few shots at a dive bar before he gets home and then drink enough store brand vodka to fall asleep. I’m talking about the real problem drinkers.


even ignorance is bigger in texas

First, a disclaimer. I do not believe that all Texans are idiots. It would be unfair of me to suggest that all Texans are stupid. I do feel safe in saying that the Texas State Legislature has lost its collective mind.

Now it’s not like I subscribe to ‘Texas Legislation Monthly,’ so my information may not be current. But in 2009, they unanimously passed a law allowing Texans to carry guns and ammunition in their cars to work, as long as they leave them locked in the car, and only narrowly defeated . Now before you rip the second amendment out of the Constitution and shove it in my weak-kneed, lily-livered, pacifist face, let me just suggest that the Founding Fathers probably didn’t think that a “well-regulated militia” would necessarily include Bob in accounting, and it seems unlikely that the guy in the doing data-entry in his cubicle was meant to be our first line of defense against the forces of sedition.

Seriously, people. If anything defines ‘slippery slope,’ I think it’s this. Basically, if you have a job, you can put your gun in your car and drive to work. In an society where workplace shootings make the news every few weeks, where will this lead? Back in the day, the only people who shot their co-workers worked at the post office (which I never understood–what kind of pressure was making those guys snap? There are jobs where I can picture someone cracking under stress, but whenever I go to the Post Office, the employees move WAY too slow to be under stress) .

Now, let’s say that jerk of a boss is on your ass again to finish some project–he needs the March numbers now! I mean how many of us have thought “I am gonna kill that fucker!”. Well, now in Texas, you just go to the parking lot on your lunch break  and all of a sudden that Excel spreadsheet can wait.

And I love the reasoning espoused by State Senator Glenn Hegar. Apparently, people “like their firearms,” but are kinda ambivalent about their LAWS.

“People like their firearms in Texas, and if they want to bring them to their workplace, they are going to do it whether there is a policy or not,” Hegar said.

Now here’s what’s really cool. The whole “Take Your Gun To Work Day”  idea wasn’t the scariest thing to come out of the 2009 legislative session in Austin. This same august body also only narrowly defeated a proposition that would have required schools to teach that the theory of evolution has “strengths and weaknesses,” thus opening the door ever so slightly to creationism.

Now before you internet villagers get your torches out, let me say that I am actually that seemingly rare liberal intellectual who believes in God. And I believe it’s possible that God may have thought up the whole evolution thing, and sorta kick-started it. But please understand, my creationist friends–evolution is a fact.

Here’s how it breaks down, kids:

Strengths: it really happened, and there is an Earth-sized mountain of tangible evidence to prove it happened.

Weaknesses: Well, scientists agree that evolution cannot yet explain the lack of development in the brains of Texas state legislators.

What’s really amazing is that the Luddites were only defeated by a margin of 8-7. Vegas wouldn’t have taken those odds. I can just imagine that debate…one by one, seven people made impassioned, Bible-centered arguments showing the ‘weaknesses’ of 150 years of evolutionary research, at which point the other eight senators looked at each other and said “are you people kidding me?”

School board president Don McLeroy led the effort, threatening to not approve textbooks which don’t allow some compromise on the issue.  I worry that the Texas Board of ‘Education’ (quotation marks entirely mine) will start ‘re-examining’ other scientific theories–kids in high school will be introduced to ‘alternate theories’ about gravity (maybe it’s the actual Hand of God that’s pushing down on us–students should consider this) or the solar system (Earth might not be the center of the universe–telescopes are known for their ‘weaknesses’).  Please, Texas. You’re bringing down the curve for the rest of us.