THE ISSUES
We all know there are challenges facing St. Paul, and here at DaneForMayor.com we have compiled a handy list of the city’s most pressing problems, along with our plans to address them. Just remember, in my campaign, the ideas are more important than the details.
EDUCATION
I can unequivocally state that I am in favor of education, and I believe this education should happen either at schools, or in the home.
HOMELESSNESS
According to our research, there are people in St. Paul who don’t actually have a home, and yet there are also people who own more than one home. Therefore, when I am elected, I will order city law enforcement to seize these ‘extra’ homes and convert them into homeless shelters. You have a cabin up north and a condo downtown? Pick a lifestyle–you don’t get to have two places to live.
WEATHER
A Dane administration would act on the fundamental premise that it gets far too cold during the winter. Therefore, on the day of my inauguration (realistically, maybe a couple days after), we will begin construction on the world’s largest retractable dome. Funded entirely by new taxes (see below), this 750-year-long public works project will create upwards of one gazillion jobs.
TAXES and FEES
All future city projects will be funded by two sources–exorbitant parking fees, to be assessed hourly, and a progressive Hipster Tax. Ironic clothing will be taxed at 30%, and anyone with ironic facial hair will be required to pay an annual fee of $5000.
CITY BRANDING
Clearly, the most important issue facing this city is its nicknames. “Pig’s Eye?” Yeah, that really draws people in. “The Capitol City?” A little ‘on the nose,’ don’t you think? It is time for us to rally behind one nickname, a moniker which can serve to unite the various groups who call St. Paul home.
Therefore, I will schedule a citywide referendum to choose a nickname, and all suggestions will be considered. I will also form a special blue-ribbon commission to determine which nickname will represent St. Paul to the world. The Mayor’s Special Blue-Ribbon Commission to Settle on a Single Nickname for St. Paul (the MSBRCSSNSP) will meet monthly at a local, independent business, preferably a dive bar.
While we’re dealing with names, we at DaneForMayor plan to change the name of the city to ‘Paul.’ Just ‘Paul.’ Our focus groups have told us that the word ‘Saint’ doesn’t resonatw with our non-Catholic citizens; also, we estimate that removing the word ‘Saint’ from all official city signage will create thousands of thankless low-paying jobs.