We all know there are challenges facing Portland, and here at we have compiled a handy list of the city’s most pressing problems, along with our plans to address them. Just remember, in my campaign, the ideas are more important than the details.


I can unequivocally state that I am in favor of education, and I believe this education should happen either at schools, or at home.


According to our research, there are people in Portland who don’t actually have a home (commonly known as ‘homeless’), yet there are also people who own more than one home. Therefore, when I am elected, I will order city law enforcement to seize these ‘extra’ homes and convert them into homeless shelters. You have a cabin in Bend and a condo downtown? Pick a lifestyle–you don’t get to have two places to live.


A Dane administration would act on the fundamental premise that it rains too much here. In light of this, we plan to begin construction on the world’s largest dome. Funded entirely by new taxes (see below), this 750-year-long public works project will create upwards of one gazillion jobs. The entire dome will be lit by world’s largest sunlamp.


All future city projects will be funded by two sources–street fees, to be assessed hourly, and a progressive Irony Tax. Ironic clothing will be taxed at 30%, and ironic tattoos at 70%. In addition, anyone with ironic facial hair will be required to pay an annual fee of $5000.


I will push for a city ordinance outlawing pre-employment screening for marijuana usage. We believe this will significantly reduce the city’s unemployment rate.


Clearly, the most important issue facing this city is the fact that it has too many nicknames. Bridge City…City of Roses…Stumptown…Rip City…Beervana…P-Town…PDX. It is time for us to rally behind one nickname, a moniker which can serve to unite the various groups who call Portland home. Therefore, I will form a special blue-ribbon commission to determine which nickname will represent Portland to the world. The Mayor’s Special Blue-Ribbon Commission to Settle on a Single Nickname for Portland (the MSBRCSSNP) will meet monthly at a local, independent business, with the first meeting scheduled for Mary’s Club in Old Town.

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