THE ISSUES

We all know there are many problems facing Minneapolis, but you probably don’t want to do all the work necessary to actually change things.  Here at DaneForMayor.com we have compiled a handy list of the city’s most pressing problems, along with our solutions. Just remember, in my campaign, the ideas are more important than the details.

 

EDUCATION

I can unequivocally state that I am in favor of education, and what’s more, I believe this education should happen either at schools, or at home.

HOMELESSNESS

According to our research, there are people in Minneapolis who don’t actually have a home, yet there are people in Minneapolis with more than one home. Therefore, when I am elected, I will order city law enforcement to seize these ‘extra’ homes and convert them into homeless shelters. You have a place on the lake, and a condo downtown? Pick a lifestyle–you don’t get to have two places to live.

WEATHER

A Dane administration would act on the fundamental premise that it is too cold here during the winter. In that regard, we will remove all outdoor thermometers on buildings, because we certainly don’t need to be reminded of how cold it is. In addition, to honor the memory of the Metrodome, we will place a dome over the entire city. Until the CityDome is completed, weather reporters will be prohibited from using the phrases “wind chill’ or ‘feels like’ once the temperature drops below ten degrees, because those phrases just make us feel worse.

LIQUOR

We will allow liquor to be bought and sold on Sunday. To recognize the concerns of voters who are in favor of laws from the 1800s, we will vigorously enforce ordinances against spitting on the sidewalk and tying your horse to a fire hydrant.

IRONY

We are blessed to have great theater, fine arts and music. Unfortunately, many of our young people are unable to enjoy these treasures because of their smug detachment. Therefore, we will pass a resolution outlawing the ironic wearing of clothing–for example, if you wear a trucker hat, you will be required to show a commercial driver’s license.

ST. PAUL

Face it–if you live in Minneapolis, you have no reason to go to St. Paul, and if you live in St. Paul, well, you probably wish you didn’t. We will be the first administration to move into the future, beyond the quaint ‘Twin Cities’  name. Most of us who grew up in this area dreamed of a day when Minneapolis and St. Paul would become one city, a city called Minneapolis. So everyone will benefit when, on my first day in office, the city of Minneapolis officially annexes St. Paul and its suburbs.

NOISE

In the interest of maintaining civil order, I will sign a decree impounding all private vehicles. Only temporarily, while we remove the car alarms. Our studies continue to show that they are pointless and aggravating.

TOURISTS

In terms of quality of life, one of the greatest nuisances we deal with is slow-moving tourists. Whether it’s in Uptown, around Lake Calhoun, or on the Nicollet Mall, we have dealt for to long with families spread out six across, lolligagging as they point at things they saw in a  tv show. To ensure that people who actually have somewhere to go will be able to use our sidewalks unimpeded, I propose that busloads of native New Yorkers be brought in to walk directly behind the tourists, occasionally yelling things like “Keep goin’, people, it’s just a freakin’ building.” Eventually, we hope to issue pointy sticks to help move people along, but we’re still looking into the legal ramifications of this.