We all know there are challenges facing Sacramento, and here at we have compiled a handy list of the city’s most pressing problems, along with our plans to address them. Just remember, in my campaign, the ideas are more important than the details.


I can unequivocally state that I am in favor of education, and I believe this education should happen either at schools, or in the home.


According to our research, there are people in Sacramento who don’t actually have a home, and yet there are also people who own more than one home. Therefore, when I am elected, I will order city law enforcement to seize these ‘extra’ homes and convert them into homeless shelters. You have a cabin in near Tahoe and a condo downtown? Pick a lifestyle–you don’t get to have two places to live.


A Dane administration would act on the fundamental premise that it gets far too hot during the summer. Therefore, on the day of my inauguration (realistically, maybe a couple days after), we will begin construction on the world’s largest retractable dome. Funded entirely by new taxes (see below), this 750-year-long public works project will create upwards of one gazillion jobs.


All future city projects will be funded by two sources–exorbitant parking fees, to be assessed hourly, and a progressive Hipster Tax. Ironic clothing will be taxed at 30%, and anyone with ironic facial hair will be required to pay an annual fee of $5000. In addition, anybody who refers to San Francisco as “The City” will be fined $250


Clearly, the most important issue facing this city is the fact that it has too many nicknames. City of Trees…The Big Tomato…Camellia City…Sactown…Amerca’s Farm to Fork Capital.  It is time for us to rally behind one nickname, a moniker which can serve to unite the various groups who call Sacramento home.

Therefore, I will schedule a citywide referendum to choose a nickname, and all suggestions will be considered, except ‘America’s Farm to Fork Capital,’ which is clearly just too long. I will also form a special blue-ribbon commission to determine which nickname will represent Sacramento to the world. The Mayor’s Special Blue-Ribbon Commission to Settle on a Single Nickname for Sacramento (the MSBRCSSNS) will meet monthly at a local, independent business, with the first meeting scheduled for The Pine Cove in Midtown.

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