your guaranteed accurate horoscope

I’m amazed that newspapers still carry horoscopes. I mean it’s not like there’s an alchemy column, or like the police blotter lists witch sightings–you can’t find a palm-reading report in your Sunday paper. But people still read their horoscopes.

I stopped reading my horoscope when I realized it was so generalized that it could apply to anyone.  So in the spirit of ‘giving the people what they want,’ and after much divination, oracle-consultation and star-gazing (I’m unemployed right now, so I’ve got the time), I’ve put together a guaranteed 100% accurate fool-proof astrological forecast and guide for today, March 11th, 2009. Just for you. Seriously. It’s personalized.

 

ARIES

Someone you know will talk to you today. Also, you will find yourself unsure at some point about something, but this will pass.

TAURUS

Don’t try to solve the world’s problems today. You won’t be able to.

GEMINI

Caution is your watchword, Gemini, especially if barefoot mountain-climbing is on the agenda.

CANCER

For you, this is a day governed by the laws of physics. It’s not a good day, however, for running naked through the grocery store.

LEO

Like a typical Leo, you enjoy some things more than others.

VIRGO

It will seem today that life is unfair, but you will probably not kill anyone.

LIBRA

If you see a hundred dollar bill on the sidewalk, you should pick it up and keep it. Today is a good day to plan for the future, or pursue your goals, or be productive.

SCORPIO

Watch out Scorpio–there will be people who disagree with you today. There is a chance you will fall in love.

SAGITTARIUS

Today is not a good day to travel to Baghdad. You will think about a member of your family today,and have some sort of feeling about this.

CAPRICORN

Because of the position of your ruling planet, good things will make you happy. Try to have good things happen today.

AQUARIUS

The alignment of the outer planets will make it difficult for you to accomplish everything you planned, but some things will work out o.k. Other things won’t.

PISCES

Avoid screaming, demon-possessed outbursts today– especially around co-workers. Pisceans by their nature hate being shot, so it’s best to avoid this.