An Open Letter to the People of Portland

photo courtesy of Cacophony

As a political outsider, some have said I should start small, and then once I have supporters and some record of public service, begin a mayoral campaign. But I care too much about this great city to sit on the sidelines and allow more ‘qualified’ candidates to get all the attention. So, it is in this context that I hereby declare that I have begun a fact-finding mission to discuss the viability of potentially forming an exploratory committee regarding a hypothetical run for mayor of Portland.

First, though, since I intend to have an administration based on transparency and full disclosure, let me be honest. I’m not sure when the next mayoral election is. I’m thinking it’s 2016, but I’ll look up the actual date at some point. Secondly, as an article of faith, I will not pay the official filing fee. That’s because, since I’m not ‘officially’ a ‘real’ candidate, I’m pretty sure no ‘laws’ apply to my campaign.  In addition I’ll save fifty bucks which I will then use supporting local businesses.Or, I may invest that money in video poker.

Now let me address the cynics who will say that I am ‘unelectable ‘, not because of my ideas, or my inexperience, but because there are things about my personal life which could be seen as ‘voter negatives’–what with being a bisexual, pot-smoking socialist with tax problems. These critics are clearly unaware of the number of bisexual pot-smoking socialists who live here, work here, and deserve representation–a vast untapped army of stoned, horny, broke leftists. To these people, I simply declare: I am your candidate.

I will have not one, not two, but three slogans for my campaign, because I believe you judge a candidate by his catchphrases. With that in mind, I unveil the official Dane for Mayor 2013 ( I think) campaign slogans:

“Dane–Nominal Committment to Incremental Change”

“Dane 2013–At Least the Speeches Will Be Funny”

“Dane for Mayor–Whenever You’re Ready, Portland!”







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