An Open Letter to the People of Minneapolis

As a political outsider, some have said I should start small, and then once I have supporters and some record of public service, begin a mayoral campaign. But I care too much about this great city to sit on the sidelines and allow more ‘qualified’ candidates to get all the attention. So, it is in this context that I hereby declare that I have begun a fact-finding mission to discuss the viability of potentially forming an exploratory committee regarding a hypothetical run for mayor of Minneapolis.

First, though, since I intend to have an administration based on transparency and full disclosure, let me be honest. I’m not sure when the next mayoral election is. I’m thinking next year, but I can always just Google it. Secondly, as an article of faith, I refuse to pay an official filing fee. That means two things to the citizens of this city. One–since I’m not ‘officially’ a candidate, I’m pretty sure no laws apply to my campaign.  And two–I save, like, fifty bucks that I will then use supporting local businesses.

Now let me address the cynics who will say that I am ‘unelectable ‘, not because of my ideas, or my inexperience, but because there are things about my personal life which could be seen as ‘voter negatives’–what with being a bisexual, pot-smoking socialist. These critics are clearly unaware of the number of bisexual pot-smoking socialists who live here, work here, and deserve representation–a vast untapped army of stoned horny leftists. To these people, I simply declare: I am your candidate.

I will have not one, not two, but three slogans for my campaign, because I believe you judge a candidate by his catchphrases. With that in mind, I unveil the official Dane for Mayor 2013 ( I think) campaign slogans:

“Dane–Nominal Committment to Incremental Change”

“Dane 2013–At Least the Speeches Will Be Funny”

“Dane for Mayor–Whenever You’re Ready, Minneapolis!”