My Old Tweets
TL;DR I quit Twitter and moved a bunch of my tweets here.
I used to tweet. A lot. Of couirse, this was before anybody’ (and by ‘anybody’ I mean ‘I’) realized that Twitter was a toxic cesspoool filled with misinformation and bullying–essentially, high school with blue check marks. I tweeted somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,100 tweets before billionaire (and villain in a direct-to-cable TV movie) Elon Musk put down his bong long enough to impulse buy Twitter.
Obviously, I could list the reasons I’m skeptical of a mega-rich, union-busting, tax-evading dude controlling a major social media platform AND appointing himself ‘guardian of free speech,’ but let’s just say that Musk is that rare celebrity that seems both dangerous and weird–sort of a cross between Dr. Evil and Dr. Strange. He may be a visionary, but even his fan boys have to admit he comes across a little cray-cray.
Besides, I was hoping to use Twitter to synergize my brand, not that I know what any of those words really mean. I THINK they mean that I want as many people as possible to read whatever it is I do..
To that point, I learned that just over twenty percent of Americans have Twitter accounts, while over SIXTY percent of us are on Facebook. Not that this statistic means that Mark Zuckerberg is three times as good as Elon Musk, or that Facebook is two hundred percent better than Twitter (I’m fuzzy on the math); I just figure I only need one gigantic time-sucking feed to distract me from . . . you know . . . actually writing.
That just leaves me with the dilemma of what to call these random thoughts. Now, since I have a food podcast I’m trying to promote (synergy! branding!), I immediately thought of “snarky snacks,” but that read a little too cutesy. “Mirthful morsels?” Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. “Hors d’oevre humoristiques?” Definitely fancy, but not very catchy.
Finally, I turned to my friends at Merriam-Webster, and found it–
tidbit
tid·bit | \ ˈtid-ˌbit
Definition of tidbit
1 : a choice morsel of food
2 : a choice or pleasing bit
So below, you’ll find a few hundred of my favorite tidbits. They’re all date-stamped, so if you have no idea what I was on about, you can look it up. I’ll also add new tidbits to my homepage, whenever I think of something funny that’s too short to be a full post. Or, if I’m just feeling too lazy to write a full post.
Oh, and before you character-counting nitpickers get outraged that some of my new tidbits wouldn’t have fit into a tweet, let it go. I’ll be using this space for whatever I want, even if my latest tidbits end up a little longer than 280 characters
Cool? Cool. Now get to scrolling! You’ve got over twelve years of tweets to get through, and there may be a quiz.
Hey, @elonmusk if you aren’t able to buy Twitter, you could buy me! For a fraction of what you were gonna pay for Twitter (I’m thinking around $2 million?), I’d get stoned with you, dig holes in the ground, and we could talk about going to Mars.
I watch a lot of ‘House Hunters,’ but you know what I’ve never seen? When they do the big reveal, I’d love to see the couple walk in and go, “Yeah, it’s all right, I suppose. It’s a little better than it was.”
Scrolling through my Facebook feed today, I saw more posts about ‘Wordle’ than I did about the Supreme Court confirmation hearings. Either everybody’s priorities are wrong, or I need smarter Facebook friends.
Me, under oath: Yes, that’s my circus.
Prosecutor: And the monkeys?
Me: Um… they’re mine also.
Prosecutor: No further questions.
Russia telling Ukrainians that they can flee to Russia is like watching your next-door neighbors burn down your house and then having them invite you to crash on their couch.
Trump and one of his lawyers were guilty of a “criminal conspiracy” to overturn the results of the 2020 election, according to the House Select Committee on Obvious Shit Everybody Knew. In light of these findings, Representatives have agreed to do nothing.
Just saw an Xfinity ad that said their new tech for home users will be able to power “hundreds of devices.” Who is this for? I have a phone, an iPad, a laptop and a TV. If I were married and had 20 kids, and EACH of us had 4 devices, we would still be under a hundred.
Russia has been banned from international soccer, and you know you’re out of line when FIFA thinks you’ve gone too far…
I realized I don’t so much “seize the day” as I let the day get started, and then I catch up to it later. Not sure what the Latin for that is.
Can musical taste be TOO eclectic? Asking because today I woke up to a shuffle of my “Start the Day” playlist, and ‘started the day’ with Bob Marley and Taylor Swift. Is ‘auditory whiplash’ a thing? Now I have a mental image of three little birds with hella good hair…
It occurs to me, since most people I know are at least low-key scared of both rats AND raccoons, that if rats and raccoons could put aside their inter-species differences and work together, they could take back all the cities. The humans would just run away.
Facebook is often compared to high school, but I don’t remember any time in high school when I said something and then two people, one of whom I barely knew, decided to have a fight WITH EACH OTHER, about MY OPINION, in front of me. Facebook is weird.
I’m getting my booster shot on Tuesday at Walgreens…kinda weird that I can help save civilization by just walking into a place where I can also get Fruity Pebbles for $2.99. Which reminds me – – I should get some Fruity Pebbles.
As Christmas approaches, and our thoughts turn to giving, in the spirit of the season, please keep one thing in mind – – it’s Barnes and NOBLE, not “Nobles!” Stop making it plural! Sincerely, The Department of Nitpicking
Apparently, I’m “wearing sweatpants to the theater because it’s too much of a hassle to put on regular pants and besides it’s kinda chilly outside” years old.
It can’t be just me who makes up elaborate backstories when my Amazon delivery driver seems to be stuck “one stop away.” Like, maybe when he was dropping off groceries, he decided to offer some meal planning tips…
The CEO of Better Mortgage Is now taking “time off” from the company, because ruining people’s lives right before Christmas is exhausting.
This is how jaded I have become – –saw a headline that said, “World Could End Covid Quickly,” and all I saw was “world could end.“ And I thought, yeah, that tracks.
The US has decided not to send any diplomatic envoys to the Beijing Olympics, which is probably for the best, since most diplomats are not great athletes.
Saw a large rat on my back patio today, and I know people SAY “They’re more scared of you than you are of them,” but I really don’t think that’s possible. It’s just a shame that I have to burn down the entire apartment complex.
So, if I understand this correctly, having ‘savings’ implies you HAVE money that you don’t need to SPEND right away? Huh. Weird. I wonder what that’s like…
I’m not normally one to traffic in doomsday talk, but if I remember the scripture correctly, when there are more Covid variants than Fast and Furious movies, the world will end. Just sayin’
The old classic game “Guess Who?,” but reimagined for now: “Is your person…a science denier? “Is your person…an anti-vaxxer?” “Is your person…Karen?” I should contact Hasbro.
Hey all! Now that Brittany has been freed, just a reminder that we should probably also deal with <gestures vaguely at entire world> this other stuff…
The infrastructure bill of @potus is starting to feel like that novel I’ve been planning to write– it’s got some great ideas, and I’ve told a bunch of people about it, but it’s more work than I thought and it’s probably not going to happen…
Branding idea…”PlutoTV–We’re Cable for Poor People”
Was thinking of going as an avocado for Halloween, but I don’t wanna invest in a costume that won’t be ready for the longest time, until all of a sudden it’ll be good for like half an hour, and then it’ll just go bad.
Facebook changing its name is like if Benedict Arnold insisted that all his friends start calling him “Jim.”
If the Infrastructure bill of @POTUS gets watered down any more, Congress is gonna vote on fixing one pothole and giving one used textbook to a school district in Ohio. And @Sen_JoeManchin will probably still be a ‘no.’
When somebody ‘likes’ a tweet I’ve posted, and then I realize it contains a typo, I’m always a little confused…Did they like what I posted DESPITE the typo, or BECAUSE of the typo? Or, and hear me out on this, Twitter could just give us a freaking ‘edit’ function.
So now California is facing a bomb cyclone AND an atmospheric river. After months of wildfires. During a global pandemic. Murder hornets—you might as well come down here and get in on some of this.
So now, apparently, California is facing a “bomb cyclone.” Anyone else feel like, at this point, meteorologists are just making up scary terms because they’re bored?
I should NOT read headlines first thing in the morning. Saw a story about the unveiling of a statue of Huey NEWTON and wondered why they were putting up a statue of a singer. I mean, 80s music is fine, but Huey Lewis? I need more coffee and less white privilege.
The official wizard of Christchurch, New Zealand has lost his job. Amongst my MANY questions is…why doesn’t EVERY city have an official wizard? I mean, we’ve tried politicians, why NOT wizards? Incidentally, I hereby declare myself the wizard of Sacramento.
Smash Mouth lead singer Steve Harwell shocked fans at a concert when he drunkenly threatened the audience and gave a Nazi salute. He then continued to upset those in attendance by performing several Smash Mouth songs.
As somebody who grew up with Star Trek, I think it’s great that William Shatner is going to space. Not sure how I feel about his demand that a “random guy in a red shirt” go with him “in case anyone has to die.”
I read somewhere that, instead of trying to change your whole perspective on life, it’s better to ‘think small.’ So, in a few months, when it’s my birthday, I’m just going to tell myself that “62 is the new 61” and call it a win. Achievable goals…
Let’s pour one out for the real victims of yesterday’s Facebook outage–the people who had birthdays yesterday. If I didn’t get a notification, you just didn’t have a birthday.
I’ve been stuck at 665 followers on Twitter for a long time, probably because nobody wants to be #666, aka the Follower of the Beast.
After unsuccessfully running for POTUS and mayor of New York City as a Democrat, @AndrewYang has said that he’s “breaking up” with the Democratic party. Yeah, Andy, that’s what I told myself when I “broke up” with the hot girl in high school who didn’t know I existed.
I can handle a global pandemic. I can handle knowing that a third of my fellow countrymen are traitorous truth-deniers. What I WILL NOT tolerate is Facebook being down. Where in the hell am I supposed to get vaccine misinformation now?
The only TRUE frontman for Van Halen, David Lee Roth, has announced his retirement. After initially saying that he would make no further statements, today he explained his reasons by saying “Boze de boze de bop. Se de bop.”
If Jesus WERE the son of God, I’m guessing he was kind of a dick when he was in middle school —
Random Gallilean Kid: My dad’s better than your dad!
Jesus: Um…wanna bet?
Saw an article online about how patience isn’t just a ‘virtue,’ but actually has tangible mental health benefits. I didn’t read the entire article, because it was too long.
Enough with the judgment, people! Who out there HASN’T started a 10,000 acre wildfire while trying to boil the bear urine out of some creek water?
I think I’m the only anti-gun person I know who actually PREFERS ‘open carry’ to ‘concealed carry.’ Maybe it’s just me, but I want to KNOW who’s packing BEFORE I sit down at some dive bar..
I get that we can’t take guns away from everybody. BUT can we at least prevent people with guns from going into Starbucks? The last thing we need is to have a bunch of ammosexuals all jacked up on caffeine AND angry that they got it from bad, overpriced coffee.
I’ve decided that if Target doesn’t raise my debt limit, I am NOT making any future payments on the things I’ve already bought.
I’m no economist, but if I understand correctly, if the debt ceiling isn’t raised, the entire government will shut down Friday. Wait, our smoothly functioning, remarkably efficient, totally responsive government will stop working?
Just read that there’s a 35% chance of a new Civil War in the United States within the next 15 years. Assuming Trump supporters lose, that just means that 200 years from now, we’ll be arguing about whether Arizona should take down its statue of the My Pillow guy.
A Poem for Sunday Morning
Roses are red
Unless they’re not
Because roses come in different colors
Alleged congressperson Marjorie Traitor Greed got into an argument at the Capitol in which she yelled, “Try being a Christian!” Here’s an idea, Marj–and I’m just brainstorming here–YOU should ‘try’ being a Representative. You know, of the people?
I’ve been disappointed by many things–people, institutions, Batman movies. But I have never been disappointed by pad thai. Until tonight. Not to put a company on blast, but Amy’s Frozen Pad Thai sucks. I should have known… I don’t think “Amy” is even a traditional Thai name.
A buddy cop movie, but instead of one crazy cop and one by-the-book cop, they’re both crazy and they’re both fired in the first 10 minutes and then the rest of the movie is just the two of them arguing about how the other one should have followed procedures.
Daniel Defoe’s buddy: You know, if you want to be a great novelist, you have to read other novelists.
DeFoe: Do I?
So, Elon Musk and Grimes have announced that they’re splitting up, and Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos are both divorced. Huh. It’s almost like craven, self-serving billionaires aren’t a great catch.
Sleeping next to someone you truly love has been scientifically proven to increase productivity and reduce stress, according to this article I’m reading in bed alone.
Recent studies show that fewer people believe in God than at any point in human history. When asked for a comment, God replied, “Well, I don’t believe in THEM as much as I used to, either.”
Trying to figure out why, despite oodles of science, piles of evidence, and mountains of dead people, some dummies are still skeptical about the vaccine. Then I realized that maybe it’s homophobia. Mandate…man date? Maybe their tiny brains think it’s the same thing!
There are so many people that I really dig on here, so I follow them. A lot of times, they don’t respond to me. So yeah, Twitter is basically like high school.
I just got my ’23 & Me’ results, and I’m not sure it was worth the money I spent. According to them, I’m 43% Neurotic, 28% Insecure, 18% Passive-Aggressive, and 11% WTF.
It’s like my mom used to say–“It’s all fun and games until someone has to go to the ICU because they didn’t get a vaccine during a pandemic and there isn’t any room because a lot of other people had to go to the ICU because they didn’t get a vaccine during a pandemic.”
Talk Like A Pirate Day:
“I violently attack innocent people to steal off their ship. Thankfully, this eye patch I wear makes me look tough. Also, I think I have scurvy.”
Looking for roommates, and I had to say no to a guy who seemed promising, until I saw his Facebook profile, and for the pronunciation of his name, he put “HYOOJ-DINGUS.” Yeah, pretty sure I don’t want to live with that kind of energy. That’s a no from me, dawg.
Someone saw me having my first cup of coffee and asked me how my day was going. Like I’m going to make a decision before I FINISH my first cup of coffee. Clearly, this person doesn’t understand how coffee, or my day, works.
Glad I voted in the California recall election/waste of tax money–my single vote may have made the…Hold on. I’m being told that the recall was defeated by over a million votes. Nevermind. Quick question–Larry Elder’s gonna give us our $250 million back, right?
Hold on, I think I’ve figured it out…maybe the reason some people don’t understand Covid-19 is that they think it’s a movie and they think they need to have seen the first 18. Or maybe they’re just stupid.
Another murder hornet nest was found today, and I wonder if by now they’re kinda pissed that every time they try to scare humans we’re dealing with something else– Murder Hornet: Seriously, now there’s a fourth wave? Shut it down, guys…we’ll try next year.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but starting a tweet with “I don’t know who needs to hear this” is lazy and derivative.
“Keeping Up With The Kardashians” has lasted 20 seasons. The war in Afghanistan lasted 20 years. I’m not saying there’s a connection, but…
According to @BBC, “Taliban Announce New Rules For Female Students” In a related story, Texas Governor Greg Abbott is expected to be named new Taliban Education Secretary.
Why do I feel like I asked Jesus to “take the wheel” but He misunderstood and took the wrong wheel and now I can’t drive anywhere because my car only has three wheels?
If I were a superhero I’d be The Validator–I’d just show up at crime scenes and tell criminals that I get where they’re coming from. A big ‘V’ on my cape, and my catchphrase would be “You do you.” “So, you’re robbing that bank because you need the money? Well, you do you.”
Am I the only person who was too old to watch “Blue’s Clues” when it was on, but is now binging all six seasons because Steve seems to actually care? That’s cool. I’ll take compassion wherever I can find it.
Just read on NPR’s website that 666 new laws will be taking effect in Texas. 666. Where have I seen THAT number before?
According to ‘Screen Rant,’ Sylvester Stallone has an idea a potential “Rambo 6.” Didn’t read the article, but I’m REALLY hoping that if there IS a “Rambo 6,” it’s just Stallone and a bunch of other 75-year-olds talking about what hurts. “Rambo 6: Sleeping Wrong”
I’m not much of a flag-waver for this country, but this menu description from a local eatery just feels wrong. I mean, RUSSIAN DRESSING? How stupid does Putin think we are?
Not sure if I’m using this right, but… Normalize acting however the hell I want to act in any situation because maybe it’s my way of handling crushing stress in a bleak world.
Sometimes I think that the worst thing about the climate crisis, what with increasing temperatures, deepening drought, and ever expanding wildfires, is the fact that people insist on misspelling ‘smoky’ as ‘smokey.’
On the cheap version of Hulu, you have to deal with ‘targeted’ ads. The ONLY ads during my show were for the drugs Humira and Kisqali. Guess I won’t be watching “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” anymore, because I don’t want Crohn’s disease or breast cancer. Nice try, Big Pharma.
The newly-approved Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine will now be called ‘Comirnaty,’ because it was obviously the NAME that was preventing idiots from getting vaxxed. Go home, FDA, you’re drunk.
As a card-carrying English major, I try to stay current with the lingo the kids use. However, I have to draw the line at ‘imma’ for “I’m gonna.” WHY IS THERE A SECOND ‘M?’ Now if you’ll excuse me, imma see myself out, because I’m finna yell at some kids on my lawn.
I accidentally mixed up my bucket list with my grocery list, so now I’m wondering which aisle the hot air balloons are in, and hoping I can get two boxes of Pizza Rolls before I die.
I do NOT remember being asked, when I was 10 years old, whether I wanted to become a grownup. There was no paperwork, there were no forms to fill out, it’s almost like it was just decided FOR me. I want a do-over.
Played ‘Cranium’ w/ friends last night and realized that I’m really good at spelling backwards. Some say that’s not a MARKETABLE skill, any more than my encyclopedic knowledge of ’70s music. BUT in case you ever need someone to write about Pmartrepus, I’m your guy.
Sony should have known they were going to get some blowback for choosing ‘Mike’ Richards to host Jeopardy–I mean, this guy was bad news in 2006 when he was known as MICHAEL Richards. He was funny on ‘Seinfeld,’ though. Different guy? Never mind.
@cnn: Covid Reaches ‘Astronomical’ Levels In Louisiana You know, if this gets any worse, the headline editors at CNN are going to run out of synonyms for ‘bad’– “Hey guys, just spitballing here, but have we used ‘woebegone’ yet?”
Tonight, I gazed into the abyss looking for answers to the deepest metaphysical questions of my soul–check that–I looked in the FRIDGE to see if I still had any leftover PIZZA because I was really STONED. Tomato, tomahto.
WORLD MEDICAL COMMUNITY: Hey, here’s an idea–let’s name all of the variants of the global killing disease after letters in the Greek alphabet!
GREECE, ON FIRE: Yeah, can we NOT?
I suppose I don’t actually NEED a voting machine in my apartment, but I’m going to buy one anyway because I want to support Dominion in their lawsuit against the pillow dude.
DOGS: Hey! Humans, with your stupid memes. Maybe the reason cats can’t “haz cheeseburger” is that they couldn’t EAT a cheeseburger with their stupid little cat mouths. We could eat cheeseburgers, but you don’t see a lot of memes with dogs asking for cheeseburgers, do you?
Sometimes, math sucks. I’m an only child, and, BY DEFINITION, that also makes me the oldest and the youngest. So I have all the entitlement of an oldest child AND all the neediness of a youngest child. AND…that’s enough self-reflection for one day.
Just thinking back to how much I loved Hostess pies, except for that unfortunate chocolate one with the weird puddingesque filling. I’m sure there was someone in the back of a product development meeting saying, “Maybe we should just stick to fruit.”
If only people were motivated to mask up and take the vaccine in response to the Delta variant; but I suppose creating memes about it is almost as effective, right?
I just DELIBERATELY clicked on an ad, KNOWING that the ad featured Vanilla Ice rapping about Bar-S hot dogs (apparently, they make buns now) The rest of my evening will consist of: 1) gouging my eyes out 2) perforating my eardrums 3) scheduling extra therapy sessions.
I was confused when I read that a musician was part of the “contemporary banjo community.” Like, I know what all those words mean INDIVIDUALLY, but together? No clue. There’s a contemporary banjo community? So many questions…
Things I wish The Delta Variant were INSTEAD of a rampaging plague enabled by idiots– 1) a Robert Ludlum novel 2) an indie band 3) a sex position 4) a science fiction series that you can stream on Amazon Prime starring that one guy from that other movie.,
Hey, Evangelical Christians! GOD wants you to wear a mask and get the vaccine. Sincerely, the rest of us.
Now there’s a LAMBDA variant? Seriously? I swear to God I’m about to go full Karen on whoever’s running this simulation… “I need to speak to the person in charge! Really? There isn’t a manager around? Well then I will just take my business to another planet!”
First, you need to know that I love dogs. That said, why do we assume dogs can’t spell or speak proper English? Somebody on my Facebook feed, under a pic of their dog– “Willow here. I meeted some new frens, which I lubs.” Insulting to doggos, if you ask me.
Since Netflix has taken the lead on the whole vaccination thing, maybe–and hear me out on this–they could require a shot before you can WATCH something… “You wanna watch that last episode of ‘Manifest?’ Yeah, we’re going to need you to get the shot.”
Yeah, I think I’m going to hold off on checking @CNN for a while, what with this being their top headline today–“Dire Consequences For Life On Earth”
So, at a museum NAMED AFTER the Titanic, three people were injured when ICE broke off of a replica of the ICEBERG that HIT the Titanic– Look, I’m not superstitious as a rule, but I am okay with NOT TEMPTING FATE.
After the US women’s soccer team lost at the Olympics, American Megan Rapinoe said, “You never want to lose to Canada, obviously.” Careful, Megan…you really don’t want to piss off Canadians, or they’ll…politely mutter under their breath.
The Warriors have offered Steph Curry a 4-year, $215 million contract. Amazingly, Curry has turned this down, saying, “That’s just too much money for one person. All that money should go to teachers, or nurses.” Just kidding. He took the money.
Maybe I’ve read too much science fiction, but I don’t trust roombas. Sure, they might vacuum your carpet, but how do we know that they’re not ALSO sending detailed floor plans to their robot overlords?
I miss the days when I got a rug burn from wild sex, instead of from <checks journal> falling down when I made the bed.
I get that you had to show ‘proof of vaccination’ at Lollapalooza, but I think I’ll hold off on concerts for just a bit longer… “Why was Daddy in the hospital?” “Well, he’s a big Journey fan, and sure, we were in the middle of a global pandemic, but it was some of the original guys!”
It is strangely cathartic to yell “asshole” at the leaf blower guy, knowing that they can’t hear you because they’re operating a leaf blower.
Kelly Clarkson has been ordered to pay $200,000 a month and support to her ex-husband, Brandon Blackstock. If there’s a lesson here, it’s this–don’t marry a man whose name sounds like a Marvel Comics villain.
Apparently, what used to be called “wasting time at a skatepark” has become “training for the Olympics.” Way to rebrand, kids. What’s next? ‘Ding Dong Ditch’ trials? Qualifying meets for the Pot Smoking competition? Yes, I’m old.
A new study indicates that bumblebees pollinate more effectively after having caffeine. If “pollinate more effectively” means “drag their asses out of bed so they can start their day without wanting to kill people,” then I trust the science. Give the bees some damned coffee.
To marketing people for vegan brands: Calling something ‘chick’n’ just reminds people that they could be eating…chicken! Yummy yummy chicken! The apostrophe is not fooling anybody! Call it tofu! (see also: ‘turk’y’ and ‘benevolent bacon’)
Thanks to a union victory, the Fritos / Pepsi strike is over, so we can go back to not eating Fritos because they make your breath smell funky, and we can go back to not drinking Pepsi because it sucks.
I’m not saying I’m insecure, but I just changed a ‘like’ reaction to a ‘love’ reaction on a Facebook post from 2 years ago, because I noticed that most of the OTHER people who reacted chose ‘love’ instead of ‘like.’
So, the director of the first ‘Space Jam’ movie believes that the remake is ‘ridiculous.’ Well, at least we’ll always have his <checks notes> Pepsi ads to remind us of his true artistic legacy.
From @gizmodo: 15,000-Year-Old Viruses Pulled From Tibetan Glacier Here’s a wacky idea–maybe scientists could STOP looking for shit for a while? You know, until we’ve taken care of our CURRENT apocalyptic nightmares?
Sure, nobody ever called Steve Miller a “space cowboy,” or “the gangster of love,” but the ‘Maurice’ thing I can buy, since apparently, he speaks of the pompatus of love. I mean, that’s quantifiable PROOF that he should be called Maurice.
Reason #183 why I should not be a parent– If I had a kid, I would teach them the WRONG animal noises. It wouldn’t pay off right away, but it’d be hilarious to know that, on ‘Animal Day,’ my kid would be saying, “But my daddy told me the sheep goes ‘moo’!”
I love my neighbors at this apartment complex. One of them told me that they saw a very large rat around here the other day. Now, I didn’t see it, but unfortunately I’m going to have to burn the entire complex to the ground. Sorry, guys.
I suppose one good thing about these billionaires going into space is that they’ll be able to get a good look at where all that money SHOULD have been spent on Earth.
I have 3 weather apps on my phone. One of them tells me it’s 107°, but FEELS like 105°. Another one tells me it’s 104°, but FEELS like 107°. The third one tells me it’s 105°, and FEELS like 105°. None of them seem to be able to tell me why I still live here.
Ya know, “Senator” @MarshaBlackburn, I could have POSSIBLY overlooked your hate-filled, homophobic, science-denying, anti-choice agenda, but then you came after Taylor Swift. Have you no decency, madam?
This is my 990th tweet, which means that, after a few more days, I will have created 1,000 tweets. Take that, Mom and Dad and everybody else who said I’d never do anything with my life.
For some reason, I have had Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass” stuck in my head for several days now. The only reason I’m posting this on Twitter is that I know that if I do, it’ll probably be stuck in your head, too. No treble.
Saw an article that referred to the “ranking GOP member on the House ethics committee.” Wait–there are Republicans on an ETHICS committee? That’s like <checks analogy generator> having the producers of “Jackass” run a summer camp
I’ll be doing stand-up tomorrow night for the first time in over 10 years. I have no idea what’s funny in 2021, so instead of writing new material, I think I’m just going to show the audience memes on my phone.
The other night I got very stoned. I had pretzels in one hand, and chocolate in the other, and I was alternating them until at one point, I had chocolate and pretzel in my mouth at the same time, and for a brief moment, I thought I had invented chocolate covered pretzels
On this Independence Day, Joey Chestnut consumed 76 hot dogs in 10 minutes–
Most Americans: “Woohoo! ‘Murica!”
The Ghost Of Every Revolutionary War Veteran: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not what we meant…”
Step 1–Open Skinny Pop Step 2–Add butter Step 3–Add salt Step 4–Wonder how many other times you’ve defeated the purpose of what you’re doing Step 5–Enjoy popcorn the way God intended. Follow me for more dieting tips.
So, they banned Sha’Carri Richardson from the Olympics for using cannabis? Were they afraid she was going to eat all the medals she would have won?
Just saw an ad for a bottle-opening thingie with the tagline, “Makes drinking wine EASIER.” Really? Was drinking wine DIFFICULT? Was the whole ‘cork issue’ really a barrier to entry? Like, “I’d love to day drink, but I’m not gonna deal with some impenetrable magic cork!”
Thankfully, multi-millionaire Ellen DeGeneres invited multi-millionaire Blake Shelton to perform “Minimum Wage” on her show, so that whole income inequality thing has been solved, right?
Some wackos think the vaccines will cause zombie outbreaks. OK, but are we talking zombies like in “Shaun of the Dead,” or zombies like in “The Walking Dead?” And if it’s “TWD” are we talking Season 1 or the later seasons? I just wanna know what kind of apocalypse we’re facing.
The orange-hued one is ‘writing’ his ‘memoir,’ and I fully intend to read it as soon as I’ve finished reading <gestures at all the books ever written> these. Oh, and according to him, he’s “writing like CRAZY.” So, at least he CAN tell the truth on occasion.
Every night before I go to sleep, I get on my knees and offer a prayer of gratitude and then I realize that I shouldn’t have gotten on my knees because I have bad knees and I can’t get up because I have a bad back.
Republican logic: Hey, instead of moving forward by repairing bridges and roads, fixing declining schools, and upgrading overburdened hospitals, what if we didn’t do any of that and used all of our legislative power to prevent Black people from voting?
Apparently, the former Pretender-in-Chief directed the DOJ to pressure Saturday Night Live for making fun of him. This came after a decades-long investigation into whether SNL is actually funny.
Today in Bad Ideas…The Tramp-O-Rine! A cross between a trampoline and a tambourine, so that when you jump up and down on it, you also make an annoying metallic rattling noise! Fun for the whole family! Get one for your backyard today!
Do you suppose that hundreds of thousands of years ago, before there was ‘art,’ there was that FIRST guy who drew a picture of a mastodon on his cave wall and the other cavemen were like, “Dude, why did you do that?”
A friend of mine mentioned that the summer heat felt like a “hammer of sadness” which sounded to me like the title of an album and now I want to form an ’emo metal’ band.
Whenever the ‘real feel’ is the same as the actual temperature, it’s almost like my weather app is copping a passive aggressive tone, like “What did you THINK it was going to feel like? What did you expect, a wind chill? It’s 100 freaking degrees!”
Researchers have discovered a new frog species in Ecuador and named it after Led Zeppelin. Which brings to mind these great songs:
Whole Lotta Bugs
Black Frog T
Tree Branch to Heaven
The Rain (Forest) Song and of course,
Misty Mountain Hop
Had a brandy, did an edible, and when that kicked in, I put on the Kate Bush song “50 Words For Snow.” I’ll either unlock a new level of consciousness, OR I’m gonna be annoying a lot of my friends with random texts over the next couple hours. We’ll just have to see.
After years of using a cellphone, I can’t be the only one who, when they accidentally click on a video and it’s at full volume, react AS IF THEIR PHONE CAUGHT FIRE. Just me?
How is this joint still open?This is from the Wiki article about the Heart Attack Grill: “The Quadruple Bypass Burger…9,982 calories…4 half-pound beef patties, 20 strips of bacon, 8 slices of American cheese…in a bun coated with lard.”
I used to get upset by the news but then I moved to a state where weed is legal and I’m not sure where I was going with this but did I mention that I live someplace where weed is legal?
Given England’s history and the Queen being 95 years old, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to let her cut a cake with a freaking battle weapon. Just sayin,’ if Grandma has a history of colonizing people and stealing their stuff, maybe don’t let her play with the SWORD.
My fellow lefties talk about “eating the rich,” and it might be a metaphor, but it might not, so I need to know…does eating rich people fit into a keto diet? I just wanna make sure I’m still able to build muscle mass and develop my core if I eat rich people.
The federal ‘judge’ who threw out a ban on assault weapons had a point when he compared them to Swiss army knives… Neither of them is meant for hunting, neither of them will be effective against the US government, AND THE AVERAGE PERSON DOESN’T NEED ONE!
Why do so many people hate Nickelback? They’re no worse than a hundred other bands but people act like they’re evil incarnate. Like if you say “Nickelback” 3 times they’ll somehow appear. I mean, come on, Nickelback is just–oh crap. Now they’re in my apartment.
That time when I almost knocked one of my own teeth out because I thought I saw a mouse & I was wearing wool socks on a hardwood floor & I slipped and fell face first into an iron radiator. All my injuries have been stupid like that. I wish I had some badass injury stories.
Amazon founder and capitalist carbuncle Jeff Bezos will be traveling into suborbital space soon and I think it would be a cool karmic twist if he had to go the entire trip without a bathroom break.
If I had a car, I would swap out the factory horn sound with something that sounds like the honk of a gigantic, dinosaur-sized goose, and then I would slowly drive around lakes to freak out the normal-sized geese.
Deplatforming the Tangerine Tyrant is a start, but you do realize that if Facebook banned EVERYBODY who spread misinformation on Facebook, then Facebook would consist of about 15 people posting cute animal videos and somebody’s aunt sharing her favorite memes
The voices in my head have formed an improv group. They’re not very good at improv but they do have a lot of energy, so check ’em out if you want to go to a show inside my brain. Two drink minimum.
I’m no expert, but this seems like a bad combo– “Texas Lawmakers Send Permit-free Gun-carrying Legislation To Governor” “More Than 110 Pounds Of Suspected Cocaine Wash Ashore On Texas Beaches” Because if anything is KNOWN for making people act responsibly, it’s blow.
“CDC Just A Bunch Of Dudes Mark Zuckerberg Knows Trolling Everybody On Facebook, Says Mark Zuckerberg”
2021 Music Festival idea–
(main stage)
Sex Crazed Zombie Cicadas
The Murder Hornets
The Microchip Conspiracy
Insurrection Clown Posse
(second stage)
ToobinZoom
The Plastic Gas Bags
Kids In Cages
The Russian Hoax
Rudy and the Meltdowns
The Impeachments
Joe Rogan’s Privilege
For the first time in nearly 3 decades, Alabama will allow yoga to be taught in public schools, but teachers will be barred from saying “namaste” and using Sanskrit names for poses, and maybe we should just burn the whole country down now
I think I can explain crypto: it’s like if you bought a carton of milk one day for $3.49, and then the next day that SAME carton of milk cost 18 cents, and then a couple hours later THAT SAME carton of milk cost $27.03.
So, it’s my understanding that we are now going to rely on the ‘honor system’ to end the global pandemic. A system that didn’t work in 3rd grade, when the teacher asked us who passed a note in class. Yep. We’re doomed.
: “CNN Viewers PANIC After Don Lemon’s Announcement About His Show.” Look, I know you guys are sorta known for scary headlines, but I’m pretty sure exactly NOBODY was running around screaming, “Oh my God what are we going to do that one guy who had that show.. doesn’t!”
According to an ‘insider,’ Biden has told staff to not serve him “leafy greens” because he doesn’t want to be seen with anything stuck in his teeth. Just like the last guy OH WAIT WHO AM I KIDDING? BIDEN ISN’T A XENOPHOBIC TRANSPHOBIC MISOGYNISTIC LYING CRIMINAL DICTATOR!
Got vaccinated today, and was really looking forward to my Bill Gates-implanted 5G microchip / tracking device, but apparently when you get the J&J one-shot deal, you just get a 3G chip and a commemorative picture of Bill with Jeffrey Epstein.
There’s a new National Geographic show called “Nature’s Most Unique Families,” and now I’m confused… “MOST” unique? Look, I’ve always trusted @NatGeo for science, but if they can’t use WORDS right…what I’m saying is, you can’t QUALIFY the word ‘unique.’
Bill Gates and Melinda Gates are getting a divorce. In tech terms, Bill tried to turn on Melinda after she had crashed, and he recommended that they install a marriage update.
ANGEL: I think you’ve already created enough spiders–
GOD: Hear me out. This one is black, and about an inch and a half across–
ANGEL: So…just another kind of tarantula? GOD:
ANGEL: We’re putting this one in Florida too, aren’t we?
GOD: Yep.
Thought I’d go back to @CNN, now that news about the pandemic is getting better– “Al Qaeda promises ‘war on all fronts’ against America” “North Korea warns of ‘crisis beyond control'” Well, maybe 2022 will be better. Seriously, can we at least PAUSE the simulation?
Not sure what kind of sorcery is employed when making “black garlic,” but “black garlic hummus” is life-changing. Seriously, I now view other foods entirely as black garlic hummus delivery systems.
I just took actual money, spent it on imaginary money that started as a joke and that very few people understand, in the hopes that someday I’ll be able to turn that imaginary joke money back into actual money. Check out my Twitter for more financial planning tips!
Sure, for most of us it’s Earth Day, but you know there’s some extraterrestrial right wing nut job out there saying “All Planets Matter”
Only in this country would a jury finish a day of deliberation about a murder THAT EVERYBODY COULD SEE and say, “Yeah, we’re not sure. We’re gonna need some more time.”
I try to use the lingo like the kids do, but sometimes I get it wrong… First time I used TL;DR, I put it at the END of a post. So basically, I just ANNOYED whoever read it by essentially saying, “You know that thing you just read that was too long? Here’s a summary.”
According to @guardian, scientists have created a paint colo(u)r that is “the whitest ever.” While that MIGHT help cool the planet, this probably isn’t the best time to announce that anything is “the whitest ever.” Read the room, people…
In one of those occasional reminders that I’m not exactly cut out for parenting, I referred to someone fostering a child who they later adopted as a “rent-to-own situation.” Yeah, probably a good thing I don’t have kids.
Big announcement! I will be putting out (releasing?) (Issuing?) (dropping?) my first NFT, just as soon as I understand what NFTs are. And, you know, how to do them.
I have invented what the kids call a “pro tip”: if you order fast food delivery, after you place the order, turn on your oven. When it arrives and it’s lukewarm, place your food in the (already heated) oven! Your food will be hot. I offer this for the betterment of humankind.
Saw my doc about some symptoms, and though I’m pretty sure “laughter is the best medicine” refers to the PATIENT laughing, not the doctor, I never went to medical school, so what do I know?
MLB has decided to move its All-Star game out of Georgia due to recently enacted laws. So, millionaires who ‘own’ other millionaires are protesting against OTHER millionaires–yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not how any of this is supposed to work.
Me, in the ’80s, after getting an unexpected $1,400: “Hookers and blow!” Me in 2021, after getting an unexpected $1,400: “I should probably get a couple of weighted blankets, because I get kinda chilly at night. And maybe I’ll splurge on the large size Pepto-Bismol.”
The downside to living in a place that calls itself the ‘City of Trees’–and the Chamber of commerce does NOT tell you this–is that it could also be called the ‘City of LEAVES.’ On the plus side, I just made the back patio my bitch.
I don’t go to the doctor very often, because at my age, I don’t want to find out that I’ve got a “large freighter blocking my Suez Canal.”
Seems like just a while ago we were all excited about the state of Georgia joining us here in the 21st century… Georgia is like that toxic ex who abuses you for years, buys you one cute stuffed animal so you forgive him, and then goes back to cheating on you.
We’ve all lost our train of thought and rambled when answering a question. NONE of us look good when that happens. What we HAVEN’T all done is help 100 MILLION of our neighbors get vaccinated in a couple months time, so let’s have a little perspective, mkay?
Look, I get it. Some people COLLECT guns–it’s a hobby. The only difference between collecting guns and other ‘hobbies’ is that, when I’m having a ‘bad day,’ it’s really hard for me to kill a bunch of other people with my collection of refrigerator magnets.
To those of you out there worried that we liberals are “trying to take away your guns,” what if we framed it another–no, who am I kidding? We want to take away your guns BECAUSE YOU KEEP USING THEM TO SHOOT PEOPLE.
I think I’m spending too much time on my devices, because I was talking to a friend on the phone today and after saying something sarcastic I said “jk lol.”
Didn’t THINK I was depressed until I told my speaker to play ‘Chamber Music For Self Renewal’ and it said “I’m looking for ‘Chamber Music For Self Removal,’ and it can’t be played right now’ so I’m going to a support group meeting that starts at 8. Thanks, Google.
So, a TV series about tech bros who are overgrown boys with no social skills featured unprofessional, abusive male actors who treated women like crap? A little too on the nose, don’t you think, HBO?
I hope that if Marie Kondo ever files for divorce, she lists the official reason as “He doesn’t spark joy.”
First they came for the socialists and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist. Then they came for some Dr. Seuss books I had never heard of before last week, and I spoke out because THAT’S what matters.
In response to Biden calling Putin a “killer,” Putin responded with “it takes one to know one,” so in case you’re wondering, all men are actually little boys and that’s the level of geopolitical discourse we’re at today and humans had a good run.
Me, while stimulus check is ‘pending’: “I should definitely save some of that.”
Also me, Monday, drunk on $1400 worth of brandy: “Oh well, we’ll probably get another one of these.”
Saw a headline that said “Lil Nas X Trolls Millennials Trying To Defend Eminem From Gen Z” and had an overwhelming urge to take a fiber supplement, put on a jacket, and leave someone a voicemail about these kids today.
You know you’re getting old when the list of things you WANT to do is shorter than the list of things you USED to do.
Turns out, the man credited with inventing the cassette tape wasn’t dead after all. Doctors were able to revive him with a large pencil.
One of the First Family’s dogs was sent home after he bit a White House security member… Probably the right call, but they also might want to investigate the security person, because from what I know about dogs, they’re usually pretty good judges of character.
First headline I saw this morning was “Mumford & Sons’ Banjo Player Faces Backlash” and I knew it would be a good day.
“Here’s an idea–how ’bout, ‘The best part of waking up is finding the strength to go to a job you hate so that you can somehow survive in an unrelentingly bleak world’? Or, we could go shorter…” –why I no longer work for Folgers
Reese’s is going to introduce a peanut butter cup with no chocolate. C’mon guys–we only ask ONE thing of you, and that’s to MIX chocolate WITH peanut butter so that we can shove that peanut butter/chocolate COMBO into our pieholes. For God’s sake, think of the stoners.
When the weather dude says “There’s a 50% chance of rain,” that just means “It might rain or it might not.” Just sayin,’ ‘meteorologist’ sounds like a cushy gig. Boss: I need that report. Employee: Well, looking at the week ahead, there’s a 50% chance of me doing that.
So, Not President of Anyything Trump attacked Seditionist Leader McConnell as a “political hack,” and it’s like leprosy and gangrene arguing over a corpse. What I’m trying to say is that it’s entertaining.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Applicant: Well, my spirit has been broken, and we’ll never have an equitable society, so I’ve decided to submit to my capitalist overlords for a marginal existence in which my work isn’t valued.
Interviewer: When can you start?
In a last-minute change of plans, former pretend president trump has hired the Zoom cat filter lawyer guy to lead his impeachment defense. “The guy was so convincing he had to tell the judge he wasn’t a cat! That’s the representation I need!”
A man in Tennessee bequeathed $5 million to his dog…the dog spent most of the $5 million on her collection of vintage sticks, although she did invest a small amount in cryptocurrency.
I just posted on Facebook something I just posted on Twitter about a text I just sent. I think I may have created an echo chamber entirely populated by me.
If I text you, READ the text before you call me. I’ll tell you, IN THE TEXT, what I needed to tell you. That way, you won’t have to call me and ask, “What’s up?” That text might have said “I’ve been kidnapped but don’t call or they will kill me.” Read the damned text first.
Had a weird dream last night… Tom Hanks was IN the dream, but just in the background, hanging out at a party. He had no dialogue. Total stunt casting–like, I would have watched it anyway, but I was expecting it to be a “Tom Hanks” dream. Very disappointing.
I’ve never really understood the concept of ‘disposable income.’ Like, I’ve never thought to myself, “I’ve got too much of this…’money’ stuff lying around, and I just want to get rid of some of it.”
Saw an article explaining how a bunch of people with disposable income screwed over a bunch of other people with more disposable income, but it was behind a paywall and I didn’t have any free articles left so I guess I’ll never know what that was abou
To have Marjorie Taylor Greene thrown out of Congress would be unfair to the 229,827 people who voted for her. So, to be fair, those 229,827 people should be thrown out of the country.
Most people say that if they won the lottery they would quit their job. I think it would be way more fun to not tell anyone, keep showing up at your job, and just not do anything, until they fire you. And then be outraged.
BREAKING: US ECONOMY GRINDS TO HALT, AS ENTIRE NATION’S WORKFORCE SPENDS DAYS CREATING BERNIE MEMES INSTEAD OF DOING JOBS
As he was leaving, the orange goblin announced that he would be back “in some form.” Great. Just before the credits roll, we find out he was an alien shapeshifter. I’m sure they’re trying to set up a sequel, but that’ll flop. The original sucked.
Headline: “Steve Bannon Worth As Much As $48 Million, Blockbuster Filings Reveal” C’mon, you can’t trust Blockbuster about money. If they knew about money, they’d still be in business
So, a friend of mine just watched a documentary about soil. AND I asked her questions about it, AND we TALKED about the soil documentary for several minutes. In case you’re wondering how the lockdown is treating me.
Our best tactic against the insurrectionists is to rely on their utter incompetence. “Soldiers, know this–the enemy will be at our gates, and then…they will mill about taking selfies! They will then post these on social media! These idiots shall not win!”
Nearly cut myself with my Sharper Image knife. It’s a knife. From SHARPER Image. I had TWO clues to work with, and still almost lost a finger.
LA Times headline: “Capitol Riot Coverage Propels CNN To Cable Ratings Win.” And there you have it–nine words that PRECISELY define the United States in 2021.
The Instigator-in-Chief released a statement calling for no violence or vandalism. In related news, on this date thousands of years ago, Aladdin released a statement insisting that the genie go back into its bottle.
I have four streaming services and can’t decide what to watch. I miss the days of actual video stores, where you would go to interact with real people and not be able to decide what to watch.
Since the Foo Fighters started in 1994, to my knowledge, there have been zero incidents of Foo-related violence. Keep fighting the good fight,
Despite countless advances in neurophysiology, scientists still cannot explain why I have the 1972 song “Popcorn” by Hot Butter stuck in my head.
Rom-com pitch: NYC stock broker gives up fast-paced life to move back home to start artisanal bakery in charming small town , only to find that his high school sweetheart has reported him to the FBI for being a part of an armed insurrection.
The best example of “Dunning-Kruger effect” is someone who won’t look up “Dunning-Kruger effect” because they believe they already know what “Dunning-Kruger effect” means.
I don’t have enough time today to correct everybody’s typos, so I’ll just post the correction here. I’m pretty sure that when you said “This is NOT America,” you meant to say “This IS America.” Other than that small typo, spot-on analysis.
I love the fact that, after being banned from social media, the orange goblin is having to use his phone as…a phone. I also hope everybody in the country answers with “New phone, who dis?”
Performative bullshit protesting performative bullshit that was stirred up by performative bullshit. Definitely on brand for America in 2021.
As bad as the scene at the Capitol was, it really didn’t bother me , because I remembered that most of the “enemies of the Republic” are much MUCH more stupid than we are– “We did it! We’re inside!…uh…now wut? Maybe…take some pictures?” Lamest coup ever.
Jon Ossoff, probably– “Well, I won in Georgia, so my party has control of Congress for the 1st time in years, and at 33, I’m the 1st millennial ever elected to the Senate! I’m gonna be all OVER the news! What’s that? Where? The US Capitol? Srsly? That SUCKS.”
Here’s what I find astonishing–the fact that so many media people are “astonished” by what happened today. You know, considering the fact that the media was complicit in Trump’s rise, give a platform to his followers, and knew that he was evil.
Zoom CEO, 2017: Any ideas?
Guy in back: Well, we could get people to see their families on Zoom, for holidays. Or they could do weddings and funerals on Zoom! Or put on shows!
CEO: Okay, but nobody would–
Guy: What if there was…a worldwide plague?
CEO: Go on…
It took me a long time, but I have finally compiled a list of all the things I’m looking forward to in 2021 1) It won’t be 2020 anymore Achievable goals, people…
Not really feeling like celebrating until January 20th… It feels like the next 20 days are sort of like when you’ve kicked an abusive ex out of your apartment, but they still need to come back for the rest of their shit.
I think my favorite part about New Year’s Eve is being able to say that you’re putting off certain chores “until next year.” Like, I probably should do laundry, but I might wait until next year…
As bad as 2020 has been, at least I’ve been able to express myself on here, since nothing went wrong with my Twittc5ffhlubhg&tyos(dfyuuiihthhhjhhy9:rkqw/zessfn4$++0;*
A teacher who was laid-off won a quarter of a million dollars on a scratch-off lottery ticket and of course, Mitch McConnell thinks this means the system works.
Astronomer: Check out the Great Conjunction!
English major: Cool! Is it coordinating, subordinating, or correlative?
Astronomer: It’s in the sky, although it might not be visible without a telescope.
English major: I see what you did there. ‘Although’ IS pretty great.
CNN headline: “Trump pardons 26 in new wave” Unbelievable! This means that the members of Soft Cell may never face justice! Synth players must be held accountable!
New Hallmark Christmas movie pitch– Frazzled big city businessman with coronavirus goes back to small hometown to help elderly parents on farm, finds love with high school sweetheart, charming small hospital is overwhelmed with patients, and everybody in town dies.
New conspiracy theory: people who hate ‘Seinfeld’ are actually trying to wage a War on Festivus.
According to CNN, that Russian “opposition” leader was poisoned through his “underpants,” and “KFC” has released a “video game console” that includes a “chicken warmer.” It’s like the headline writers at CNN are just using Mad Libs to generate content now
Hey kids! Looking for a low-key way to be self-destructive? Try what I just did–get a song stuck in your head that YOU put there. Stupid brain.
My most recent tweet got more action than usual; unfortunately, I realized it contains a glaring typo (‘Sirpods’ instead of ‘Airpods’). What I’ve learned: 1) people don’t read my tweets any more carefully than I do 2) ‘Sirpods’ need to be a thing.
“Apple has announced its new Sirpods Max at a price of $549. I think I’ll wait for the next Apple Event, when they announce the new Airpods SUPERMAX, which according to leaked information, will be an actual pair of human ears for $750.”
Over the next few weeks, Trump will be giving out pardons the way AOL gave out free CDs. And they’ll be worth as much as those discs are today.
President-elect Biden broke his foot yesterday… The surgery was more complicated than usual, because doctors had to remove his foot from Trump’s ass.
I wonder if Amazon sells game show buzzers. I want to have one so that when I say “Have a good day” and they answer with “Good, how about you?” I can use my buzzer to make a loud noise and maybe that person will pay more attention to me the next time.
Trump is starting to act like a kid who fails a test in school, gets the chance to retake the test, and changes the few correct answers he got the first time.
Guitar Center is filing for bankruptcy. “Damn, just a few more hours and I would have been able to play the opening of ‘Stairway to Heaven’,” said a bunch of random dudes hanging out at Guitar Center.
I’m not sure how this ‘fleeting’ thing works, but it would be really cool if, when you reference Trump in a ‘fleet,’ HE would disappear in 24 hours…
I need the ability to do the OPPOSITE of what ‘fleets’ do..instead of making my brilliant thoughts disappear in 24 hours, I want a way to make them permanently appear
at the top of everybody’s Twitter feed for the rest of time. Kthx
As a newbie foodie, I still have a lot to learn about culinary rules. I can say, unequivocally, that any food item that STARTS with the word ‘cheese’ is probably good. Cheesecake…good Cheese steak…good Cheese curds…good. Head cheese…not so good.
Now that I’m 60, when I look back on my years of dating experience, I think I have finally realized what my type is… My type, apparently, is people who want to have sex with me.
Right-wingers are saying that after the mail-in ballots were counted, Biden ‘magically’ got a lot of votes. Man, their bar for ‘magic’ is really low. “Be amazed! I will place the envelope in the box, and MAGICALLY it will arrive…somewhere else!
Trump, in a grocery store line, sometime after January 20th, 2021: “STOP THE COUNT! I had FEWER than 15 items and now ALL OF A SUDDEN I have more! Some of those items were ILLEGALLY placed in my cart! MASSIVE check out fraud! We will SUE!”
Today In Cross-Platform Comedy
Friday the 13th? In 2020? Frankly, I’m afraid if I look outside I’m just going to see the blue screen of death.
(And now, that same joke, but for Apple users) Friday the 13th? In 2020? Frankly, I’m afraid of a look outside I’m just going to see a sad Mac.
I got my credit score down to two digits! That’s good, right? It’s like golf, right? Asking for my creditors…
I’m not saying the deposed fascist who cosplayed as the president for four years is a little slow, but when a war criminal sends congratulations to your opponent before you do, you might be just really bad at the whole presidenting thing.
Considering I’ve been having “a cocktail” and “a midnight snack” continuously since last Tuesday morning, yeah, it’s been a challenging week.
Yes, millions of people apparently still support institutional racism, sexism, and homophobia. No, Biden was not ideal. BUT–it will STILL be good to look at our phones and not have to ask, “WTF did he tweet now, and does this mean the end of democracy?
I just googled “is Nevada legal in Georgia,” so yeah, I should probably take a break from election news for a while.
Cartographers: We TOLD you maps were important, but you were all like, “Why would I need to know where Arizona is?”
I think it uld be hilarious if one of the major news outlets just snapped and suddenly decided to color Republican states blue and Democratic states red. You know, to make things MORE interesting.
Pennsylvania: You go first.
Georgia: No, you go first.
Nevada: Wait, I thought you guys were going first…
Arizona: I’m not going until you guys go.
Media: Oh, fer chrissake, somebody go! We’ve got maps to color!
At least we live in a country where the results of reality singing shows are announced immediately. It would suck to have to wait a week to find out how Team Blake did.
I have this overwhelming urge to throat-punch 79,827 Michiganders right now
Biden was just declared the winner in Vermont. And you know what that means? *checks Constitution* Yep. Biden is now President of Vermont.
God: I’m gonna let some humans live more than 100 years.
Angel: You see this? One of them went skydiving at 102! *hands phone to God*
God: : *scrolls through news headlines* Well, yeah, that seems kinda extra. Totally not what I meant.
CNN reports that, in Moscow, the ‘Sausage King’ was killed with a crossbow in a sauna, and I gotta say that the Russian version of Clue sounds very cool.
I thought it was bad when stories started putting Christmas stuff this week…now Hallmark is releasing a line of ‘End of the World’ cards.
Susan Collins, U.S. Senator and professional ditherer, said “I do not believe systemic racism is a problem in the state of Maine.” Notice that she’s not saying it doesn’t EXIST in Maine–just that it isn’t a problem for her.
The official White House website lists “ending the pandemic” as one of Trump’s accomplishments. Where have these people been? Oh, that’s right–some of them have been quarantined WITH covid-19, and a few of them were in the ICU. So maybe they just didn’t hear…
When someone ‘likes’ a REPLY to one of my tweets, but not the tweet itself, I think you’re saying, “Your friends are much funnier than you are.” And I spiral just a little.
I’ve reached the “I can’t find anything to watch so I guess I’ll check out an episode of ‘The Masked Singer’ but OH MY GOD WHAT KIND OF FREAKISH HRPUFNSHIT IS THIS?” phase of the pandemic. I either need to smoke better weed, or no weed, for this show.
This election is like having two doddering grandfathers at Thanksgiving fighting over who gets to carve the turkey. Of course, one of them has already killed < 200,000 people with his incompetence. so maybe don’t hand HIM the carving knife.
For the first time in decades, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!” won’t be on broadcast TV. Now normally, I don’t buy into conspiracy theories, but this is clearly a WAR ON HALLOWEEN! Next they’ll ban “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” for a War on Arbor Day!
Hey, neighbor! While I normally love kids (and yours is ESPECIALLY adorable), how’s about, until this whole global pandemic thing slows down a bit, maybe keep your cute little disease vector at a safe distance from people who might, you know, die. Kthx.
Anyone else think that setting our clocks back BEFORE the election is the most low-key 2020 thing we could possibly be doing? Like, “I know you hated this year and everything it represents, so we’re gonna make it last an hour longer.”
I love how CNN said that they are giving Jeffrey Toobin “some time off.” I’m… pretty sure he’s finished by now.
A legal analyst at CNN and a published author who writes for the New Yorker (same guy, incidentally), was caught playing with himself on a video call and somehow that’s NOT the weirdest news story of the year?
Trump is trying so desperately to distract voters from his ACTUAL record and policies, that I wouldn’t be surprised if his ‘poll-watchers’ turned out to be just a bunch of pasty, bellicose, camo-clad idiots standing next to voters, yelling “Squirrel!”
I really want to play that game where you “copy and paste but change what the bunny is holding,” but I didn’t know how to make the bunny hold a Supreme Court seat until Biden can appoint a liberal to balance out the shameless court stacking Republicans have done.
As a spiritual guy, I’m REALLY trying to find an extra thought or prayer I can send to the White House, and I’ve looked everywhere. I might be out, because I think I used up all my thoughts and prayers on the 200,000+ people who have already died in this country.
I have been dictating to my phone for years, and I have pretty good diction. So why, when I clearly said “mayonnaise,” did my phone think I said “man ass?” 1) I was in the Amazon app, and I don’t think they sell that 2) Even if they did, I wouldn’t be ordering it from Amazon
Somebody sucker-punched Rick Moranis and now I feel like 2020 is just making up random weird things to happen.
Proud Boys aren’t the most…intellectually gifted dudes. It’s possible they’ll just get CONFUSED by “stand back and stand by,” and their tiny brains will short-circuit. Problem solved. “Uh, so does he want us to stand back or stand by? Being a racist is hard.”
If you’re still an ‘undecided’ voter at this point, maybe you should just sit this election out. You know, till there’s a MORE clear-cut choice. SMH
Well, that was the first #PresidentialDebate in our country’s history that should have come with a trigger warning.
Forty minutes into #PresidentialDebate, and I think I speak for all Americans when I say, “Stop it.” This is like watching TWO annoying drunk uncles argue at the kitchen table on Thanksgiving and I just want to hide in my room until they leave.
The hosts of The Great British Baking Show should moderate our presidential debates– “The judges would like you to show how you’ll provide healthcare to the poor. Your solution should be simple and elegant. You have 90 minutes.” And then Paul would just squint at Trump.
After learning astronaut Kate Rubins will be voting from the international Space Station, Temporary President Trump tweeted, “MASSIVE space voting fraud! NO WAY those ballots should be counted! They’re going to land, what, in the ocean? Your SPACE FORCE is on it!
The National Catholic Prayer Breakfast is giving Attorney General Barr an award for “Christ-like behavior.” In related news, the Grammys are giving an honorary award to Barry Manilow for his contributions to hip-hop. There are no rules anymore.
In today’s installment of Headlines I Didn’t Need To See But Thanks To CNN For Ratcheting Up My Fear: “Giant Robot Comes To Life In Japan” This just doesn’t seem like a great time for that.
Indicting only ONE of the three cops responsible for killing Breonna Taylor, and indicting him for ‘wanton endangerment,’ is like accusing Jeffrey Dahmer of a health code violation–I suppose it’s technically accurate, but it really misses the bigger point.
Here’s an idea! Let’s just not have a president for a while. At 244 years old, maybe we should be on our own. Related idea: The two main parties divide up all the money they’ve raised for the campaign and give it back to us. Everyone in the country gets $2.41.
Cracker Barrel is adding alcohol to its menu. Cracker Barrel. Not to chain-shame anybody, but…this seems like a bad idea. “Can I start you off with some ‘Biscuits ‘n’ Bourbon,’ y’all?”
God, creating the goose:: So, and I’m just spitballing here, but I’m thinking we do another bird–
ANGEL: Okay…
GOD: but it’s really mean.
ANGEL: … Like… How mean?
GOD: Maybe…they like to chase people–
ANGEL: Seriously?
GOD: and bite them.
Per the NYT, scientists have “accidentally” bred a sturgeon with a paddlefish. I get it. I’ve “accidentally” done things, too. But I’m pretty sure I’ve never “accidentally” made A NEW LIFE FORM. Just sayin’ maybe 2020 isn’t the year to be randomly combining things in a lab.
I think Trump is making policy based on those Facebook personality quizzes…you know, you just pick one word from column A (EXPLODING) and one from column B (TREES). At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if he blamed rising ocean levels on (TAP-DANCING) (FISH).
If you love somebody, set them free. If they come back, keep committing microaggressions until they stop bothering you.
I have this feeling that Al Gore is smirking at us and mouthing the words “I told you so,” but nobody can tell because he’s doing it from BEHIND A MASK.
Haven’t tweeted in a few days. The combination of a global pandemic and apocalyptic, hellscape-infused skies has somehow left me disinclined to make with the wacky. Also, 280 characters wouldn’t be enough for me to express my complete and utter existential dread in any sort of
Anyone who says “I’m the least racist person I know” is probably racist. You don’t win a prize because you’re ‘less racist’ than other people. The correct amount of racism is zero. Work harder, my fellow white people.
FAKE WEATHER reporting 121 degrees in California! The LIB CONTROLLED media is trying to blame me your faverit president for a little warm weather! If the FAKE WEATHER and the RADICAL LEFT didn’t record the ‘degrees,’ it wouldn’t be so hot! Obama!
We shouldn’t post pics of Trump boats sinking– that’ll just discourage them from going out on boats. We WANT his cult to crowd onto flimsy, MAGA-branded tiny boats, & when they capsize, we toss them Biden ropes. Then we just dredge the lakes on November 4th.
Franklin Graham said that God was not at the Democratic National Convention. Which makes sense, when you realize that God had to spend all FOUR nights at the Republican convention putting together a ‘smite’ list. It’s all about time management.
How am I supposed to spread godless socialism, lower suburban property values, and dishonor America’s proud history when I don’t have a single can of soup in the house? I do have a can of antifa broth (low sodium). I could add organic vegetables and MAKE some soup!
Sure, I’m angry about systemic racism and police brutality, but I checked my pantry, and I I don’t have any soup cans to throw. Guess I’ll just have to accept everything as it is.
ABC News: A bar was taking bets on whether Chicago or New York would have more shootings over the weekend. Random 4th Century Roman: Yeah, that tracks.
Therapist: What are your fears?
Me: Well, I’m afraid the US will be torn apart by civil war in 2 months, and that racism and fascism will lead to unimaginable bloodshed.
Therapist: Um…yeah–I was hoping to start with something like fear of flying–you know, ease into it?
JUST when I think the media can’t possibly ask for anything weirder to cover, and just when I’m convinced that they’re all out of batshit crazy headlines, they find one that’s crazier… Well played, 2020.
All I know about writing is that every good story has a beginning and a middle
Well, this one is on me, but I think you’ll understand why I miss read it… CNN headline said “Trump tours damage from Hurricane Laura,” and at first I thought it said Trump TOUTS damage. Which, you know, would be on brand for him.
Whenever I’m troubled by the bleak worldscape around me, I find comfort in the words of Taylor Hanson, from 23 years ago, who reminded us that “in an mmmbop it’s gone.” Actually, it might have been Isaac or Zac. It’s been a while.
Per CNN: “Picnic fever is surging. A decades-old basket brand thinks it can make a comeback.” In case you were wondering if mainstream media is covering the stories that matter…
ABC news headline says “Trump tries to reframe 1st term in RNC speech.” Okay, so I’m 60 years old, and I’m not hip to the new lingo, but does ‘reframe’ mean ‘lie about?’ Because I’m pretty sure that’s what it means…
Bed, Bath, & Beyond is laying off 2800 workers. But to be fair, most of those worked in the ‘Beyond’ department, and most of the store’s profits came from the ‘Bed’ and ‘Bath’ sections. #TwilightZone
I’m old enough now that I make no apologies for the mistakes I’ve made in life. Have I learned from these mistakes, and have they helped shape who I am now? Also no.
According to the CDC, teenagers engage in unprotected sex, drunk driving, and other ‘unsafe activities.’ When asked to respond, teenagers shuffled their feet, looked at the floor, and muttered they were going to be ‘out’ with ‘friends’ and not to wait up.
Some designer: Hey, what if we took everything people hate about the stupidest clothing item ever made, and…wait for it…put it on top of people’s heads?
Everybody else: No.
Designer: Cool, cool…so we’re all on board with cargo hats?
Asked my roommate on Messenger if I could use a little of his dressing on my salad and realized that may have been the least important message in the history of human communication. “Mr. Watson, come here. And would you mind bringing the blue cheese?”
Made the mistake of reading this article first thing this morning, and after trying to wrap my brain around decoherence, Bohmian theory, and QBism, I’ve now forgotten everything I used to know. Seriously. I don’t even know my ZIP code anymore.
Just read that the NHL has had zero positive tests for covid-19. So, a goalie uniform the next time I have to leave my apartment. And yes, I’m bringing the stick to enforce social distancing.
People Outside the U.S.: Why aren’t more Americans taking to the streets to protest the destruction of their democracy?
People in the U.S.: Look at this meme I saw on Facebook about how bad things are!
Me: I know! I’ll tweet about how people should protest more…
Just in case 2020 hadn’t been 2020 enough, the King of Bahrain has a robot bodyguard. And, inexplicably, it wears a shirt. That’s some peak 2020 right there.
A character from an animated TV show just released a response to a comment by an adviser to the president who had mocked a vice-presidential nominee and could the aliens please destroy our planet soon?
CBS News–“New dinosaur closely related to the T-rex discovered in England.” I know you need to keep headlines short. But I’m pretty sure the words “remains of” should go at the beginning of that one, or else it’s a MUCH scarier story.
Biden picks Harris–
Mainstream Democrats: Look how progressive we are!
Progressive Democrats: Meh
Conservatives: Wait…so she’s Black, Asian, AND female–how are we supposed to know which lies to use?
Lorne Michaels: Get Maya Rudolph on the phone!
Having #chronicpain is like having an annoying roommate in college– Me: *clearly trying to go to sleep* Chronic Pain: Yo, dude. You trying to go to sleep? Me: Chronic Pain: Cool. Cool. I was just thinking we could stay up for a few hours. You know, instead of going to sleep.
Purdue Chicken, in ads touting the quality of said chicken, used to say, “You are what you eat eats,” when clearly the ad SHOULD have said, “You are what what you eat eats.” BTW, if you say, “You are what what you eat eats” 3 times, you’ll fry your brain.
According to today’s report, Mark Zuckerberg is a ‘centibillionaire.’ I’m not an economist, but I do know a LOT of words, and when you have to use a word I’ve never heard to describe how much money someone has, they probably have too much money.
Aug 6, 2020
Sadly, I don’t have any pictures to prove it, but on this throwback Thursday, I’m remembering that time when I didn’t injure myself *checks today’s activities* bending. Ah, memories…
Today, the Dummy Despot claimed that Joe Biden Is “against God.” When asked about this, God said, “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not wild about Joe Biden either, but…really? Come on, humans!” Later, reporters overheard God muttering something about a pillar of salt.
The FDA has just issued guidelines about HOW MUCH arsenic is allowed to be in baby food. Granted, I’m not a scientist, but I was surprised to learn that the amount is not ZERO.
I just pounded a cheap beer and wolfed down a plate of chili cheese fries. Now I’m really regretting my choices–physically, I feel fine, but all of a sudden I have the overwhelming urge to watch NASCAR.
Good thing Don McLean didn’t know that rye is a TYPE of whiskey, because otherwise ‘American Pie’ would have been even longer. “Them good ol’ boys were drinking whiskey, and rye, which is a type of whiskey distilled from at least fifty-one percent rye grain.”
Australian police say that a Cessna overloaded with 1100 pounds of cocaine has crashed while attempting takeoff. Then again, who HASN’T wrecked their own private jet by trying to haul too much blow? Just me?
Look, I get it, Joe… questions about your brain are probably a little annoying, since you’re running against an actual idiot. Still, I’m pretty sure that “Why the hell would I take a test?” is not the BEST answer in this particular moment.
Never correct a typo it makes you seem extraordinarily hip… My roommate said he would take care of something “in a Mingus,” and I spent the next hour on Google and Spotify trying to figure out how long a ‘Mingus” is.
To clear up some confusion, when Trump says “you’re going to have suicides by the thousands” if the economy doesn’t improve, what he really means is that “peaceful protesters will be extra-judicially kidnapped by the thousands.” Semantics, I know.
It makes sense now… DONALD Trump was elected to provide DISTRACTIONS like widespread corruption, a global pandemic, and nationwide civil unrest so that MELANIA could pursue HER real agenda by redesigning White House Rose Garden. God, I am so tired of 2020.
Have you ever had so many problems doing a ‘captcha’ that you start wondering if maybe you are, in fact, a robot? Like maybe, I can’t “correctly identify which pictures contain farm animals” because none of those animals exist on my home planet.
I’m not great with quotes, but I believe it was the noted 20th century philosopher Santayana who said, “Those who cannot remember the past will probably be ok with unidentified federal troops throwing protesters into unmarked vans in Portland.”
Loud annoying definitely not socially distanced probably unmasked quarantine party across the alley from my apartment. I think I can actually HEAR the virus spreading.
At times like these, it’s important to be willing to make a sacrifice for the greater good. Not everybody has what it takes to watch every episode of “New Girl” in order, but I’m doing it for you, people. That show isn’t going to binge itself!.
Woohoo! It’s Friday night! I’m gonna kick-off the weekend by not going anywhere and staying 6 feet away from everyone! After that, I won’t listen to some live music, and then I won’t stop at my favorite bar! I’m gonna be so not hungover tomorrow…
I’ve told you this before–I intend to finish the piece I’m working on as soon as I’ve read everything on the internet. Jeez, get off my back, Muse!
Reading a fascinating piece from @mental_floss about famous authors and how they struggled with writer’s block. Then it occurred to me that MY writer’s block might be related to how much time I spend reading fascinating pieces about writer’s block.
I had forgotten that Trump, at one point, wanted to buy Greenland. You’d think you’d remember that time the president wanted to BUY a country, but that’s not even the fourth or fifth craziest idea he’s had since he’s been in office.
Saw a headline that referred to Trump’s ‘striking flip-flops’ on the pandemic. Didn’t read it carefully, though, and I guess I’m so burnt out on terrifying Trump headlines that, for a second, I was hoping he was just wearing fabulous beach sandals.
If this IS the end of the world, my biggest fear is that my last tweet will be something stupid about a TV show, or a meal I had, instead of something profound. Or worse, my last tweet will be about my fear that my last tweet will be about something stupid.
Rando at back gate: Can you let me in so I can put this caterpillar on your bushes?
Me: I’m not gonna let you in. I don’t know you.
Rando: Can you take it from me?
Me: I don’t wanna get up. I’m disabled.
Rando: And you’re gonna stay that way!
Well, that escalated quickly.
I’ve tried to avoid reading ANYTHING about Kanye West’s ‘campaign.’ I ACCIDENTALLY read that his VP choice is someone named Michelle Tidball, who ‘thinks’ mental illness can be ‘solved’ by…doing chores. Gotta ask–how is she not already in the Trump ‘administration?’
I’m ‘following 1376 people, but only 377 people are ‘following’ me, meaning the number of people I like is much larger than that number of people who like me. So, Twitter is basically high school for me.
Bought a kitchen table and chairs today, like a grownup. Then I ate tortilla chips I made from scratch with homemade pesto my roommate made from scratch, while sitting at said kitchen table. Then I did out my finances. That’s enough adulting for one day, thank you very much.
A while back I told a friend to “put a shirt on because you’re making me cold,” and today I told my roommate to “close that window so that we don’t waste the AC.” Apparently, I’ve turned into my mom AND my dad.
“Build Back Better” Really, Joe? THAT’S what you’re calling your economic plan? Hey, I’m FOR Biden–the alternative is 4 more years of Trump. But “Build Back Better” sounds like you just got Magnetic Poetry and are trying random word combinations on your fridge.
Me: My musical tastes are sophisticated and eclectic.
Friend: That’s cool. I’m really into jazz. I dig Coltrane, and Sun Ra…what jazz do you like?
Me: Um…the kind where it doesn’t sound like a bunch of people practicing different songs at the same time?
Ghislaine Maxwell argued at her bail hearing that she’s “not Jeffrey Epstein.” Intriguing defense strategy there-
Ted Bundy: I’m not John Wayne Gacy
Judge: Jury will disregard…
If we COULD translate messages from aliens who’ve actually visited Earth, those messages would consist of, “Yeah….no,” with one alien dude in the back of the spaceship sarcastically muttering, “I’m sure humans are VERY intelligent.” Followed by alien laughter. #allofusaredoomed
Just got a new phone, and if there were ever a moment meant for me and my OCD, this is it! So much to customize! So many icons to organize! I’m not thinking about Covid if I’m sorting 153 little round pictures! Yeah, I’ve been cooped up too long.
Idea for a Twilight Zone pitch: “Picture, if you will, a world not unlike our own, but one in which ‘The Twilight Zone’ was never remade, because all of the original episodes are still available to watch.”
Sure, I’m glad that #hamiltonmovie is available to stream, but there’s something weird and wrong about watching it on Disney. It’s sorta like watching the Osmonds perform at the Apollo.
Trump says Biden should take a ‘cognitive test.’ You know, this may be the only time I’ve ever agreed with the bronze buffoon… The test should consist of one question: “Are you Donald Trump?” If Biden answers, “No,” then Joe gets to be president.
I’ve now taken more accidental screenshots with my phone than actual pics. Of course if I TRY to take a screenshot, I end up turning my phone OFF. When The Singularity happens, I’m definitely gonna be one of the humans that gets killed by our AI masters.
So, there is a group in Texas called “BAR Lives Matter,” protesting the closing of bars during the FREAKING GLOBAL PANDEMIC. Yet another time when, if you pitched this in a screenplay, nobody would buy it. Oh, and fun fact–these people are allowed to vote.
Trump had his Twitch account (what?) suspended. Now everything makes sense. Trump PLAYS at being president like he’s playing a video game, and he figures that as long as he doesn’t run out of quarters, he gets to keep playing. Go home, Donnie. The arcade’s closing
Some of you have never lost all your money at roulette, stolen a sweet Trans Am, led police on a multi-state high speed chase, changed your name, hid out by becoming mayor of a small Midwestern town, only to get beamed aboard an alien spaceship…and it shows.
I’m not the most mechanically-savvy guy in the world, but with all the technological advances that have happened my lifetime, are you telling me there’s NO WAY to make leaf blowers quieter?
Me: Hey God, can I ask you a question?
God: You just did.
Me: Asshole.
God: What?
Me: Nothing. Anyway, why hit us with so much at once? Global pandemic, racial strife, sandstorms, murder hornets…feels like overkill.
God: I get bored.
Me: What?
God: Nothing.
I just saw that Cam Newton signed a one-year deal with the Patriots, and then remembered that I hate professional football and couldn’t care less.
Del Taco shouldn’t bother having a menu. We should just agree to give them five bucks in exchange for some combo of beans, rice, and lettuce wrapped in something edible. Also, they should stop giving out hot sauce. We still have hot sauce from our last order
Maybe I’m old, but I remember when the lead headline on a ‘news’ page didn’t include the phrase “may have been” @cnn “Protests Have Swept The Nation. It All May Have Been For Nothing”
Today’s surprisingly useful word, from my upcoming book, “From Ambodexter To Zarf: A Handy Collection Of Surprisingly Useful Words,” is ‘drumble’–a lazy person; to be sluggish or lazy. As in: “Sometimes I’m not sure if Trump is stupid, or just a drumble.”
I guess I’m from a different generation, because I believe it is possible to politely disagree with someone, and still want to cast them into a fiery pit for being wrong
I used to love singing along with Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” until I realized that, well, we sorta did. I mean, it’s all there in the lyrics. We did most of that shit. So…sorry, kids.
Here’s another word from my upcoming book, “From Ambodexter To Zarf,” which is all about . . . words. ‘HODDYPEAK’: a fool, or someone of low intelligence. As in, “The President sounded like a hoddypeak today!”
I would leave Facebook, except there’s not really an alternative where I can find ads for cheap knock-offs of things that I Google. Also, I would have to interact with real humans face to face.
I have a new book coming out soon, “From Aglet to Zarf–A Collection of Strangely Necessary Words.” JARGOGLE–to confuse or mix-up, as in ” The President has once again jargogled his facts.”
In a bold stand against racism, rich white music stars Lady Antebellum have changed their name to “Lady A,” and the Dixie Chicks want to be called “The Chicks.” Sadly, Sammy Hagar will continue to tour as “Sammy Hagar.”
The Tone-Deaf Chronicles: Part 8,563: Asked about specific reforms he would endorse, Minneapolis Police Union chief Bob Kroll said, “We need time. Everybody’s got to take a breath.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure George Floyd’s family would agree. Read the room, Bob.
I hate “please and thank you.” It’s performative crap. “There are 2 things I’m SUPPOSED to say when I want something, so I’m just gonna get both of them out of the way.” It’s also low-key presumptuous, like, I haven’t even said ‘yes.’ Don’t thank me yet.
Feeling the warmth of Summer and a gentle breeze, it’s the perfect time for a refreshing glass of Systemic Racism Is Still The Problem And Has Been The Problem For The Entire History Of America You Backwards Confederacy-loving Idiots.
I think professional badminton is the perfect sport to follow in plague times–outdoors, no player contact, and no problem keeping a six-foot distance between fans. Plus, less sweating than tennis.
CNN: “Several Dallas Cowboys and Houston Texans players test positive for coronavirus” Weird. A professional sports league known for caring about its players’ lives, and two teams based in a state known for its embrace of science. Weird.
So, ‘Bed Bath & Beyond.’ I get it. You sell bed stuff. You sell bath stuff. But for the rest, why not go with ‘Bed Bath & More?’ Or ‘Bed Bath & Things?’ I’m just sayin,’ the ‘Beyond’ part implies that you have a whole section of outer space stuff. Which you do not.
A friend of mine said he wasn’t raised racist, and when I asked him about his Dad, he said, “Yeah, but he only hates Armenians and Filipinos.” Sorry, bud… niche racism is still racism.
Pandemic precautions, or things you hear on a bad date? “One of us should be wearing a mask.” “Let’s stay at least six feet apart.” “We shouldn’t go to a bar right now.”
Orzo marketing pitches:
“Bland like pasta, but tiny, like rice!”
“It’s in your pantry, so you might as well use it!”
“It goes with everything, because it tastes like nothing!”
“When you want to be full, but don’t want to feel like you’ve eaten!”
If aliens did show up now, it would be like if you were invited to a party at a couple’s house, but didn’t know that they were in the middle of an ugly breakup– “Yeah, maybe this isn’t a great time. You seem to be going through a lot right now. We’ll just come back later.”
From Craigslist– “Become a Notary and get Notary Jobs” As opposed to “Become a Surgeon and get Notary Jobs?” Or, “Become a Notary and get Plumbing Jobs?”
On Craigslist, under ‘gigs,’ I saw the headline, “dog run help.” First I thought, “There’s a dog placing ads, telling other dogs to run and GET help?” Or maybe it’s an ad from a person in trouble, but meant for dogs to READ? All I’m saying is we need some context.
It just occurred to me that if you spell the name of famous cellist Yo-Yo Ma backwards, you get ‘Am Oy-Oy,’ and THEN it occurred to me that I might need to smoke less weed.
The show ‘Cops’ has been cancelled, and the real tragedy is that now, abusive drunk white men in dirty t-shirts are left without representation on TV.
Unfortunately, the hardest part of asking people to read books about the Black experience for a deeper understanding is the “asking people to read books” part.
Stephen Miller writing a speech about race relations is like… <rummages through bag of analogies> …Yeah, I got nothin.’ 2020 has broken my brain.
Saw someone post that they didn’t have “woke Mitt Romney” on their 2020 bingo card. Check your card again… I think it says “elitist anti-equality Mitt Romney doing empty performative gesture”
Combine the fact that I read too fast, with the fact that I smoke a LOT of weed, AND the fact that I’m overwhelmed by the news lately, and you’ll understand why I misread a post about free legal counsel as saying “pro-bong” instead of “pro bono.”
The Boogaloo Bois are a bunch of loathsome, hateful, idiots, sure, but what makes them even more ridiculous is the fact that their name implies that they might have opened for NSYNC in 1997.
You know these are scary times when an ongoing invasion of murder hornets doesn’t even make the news anymore. Did we, as a species, eradicate the murder hornet threat? No. No, we did not.
Twenty hikers had to be rescued from a place in Virginia called “The Devil’s Bathtub.” OK, let’s say that in your hiking, you open a portal to Hell. The people there are nice enough, but they say, “Oh that? That’s Satan’s bathtub.” WHY WOULD YOU GO THERE?
Apparently there was a TV show in 1997 called Muppets Tonight. Also apparently, Prince was a guest star on the show. Prince just told Gonzo that he was “really working those pumps and fishnets” and now nothing I’ve ever known makes sense anymore.
Put a small planter on the back patio that I never use…got a sage plant from a neighbor. So yeah, I’m a farmer now. Now I just wait for that sweet, sweet subsidy money to roll in…
30-year-old me: I just got $1,200 from the government! I’m spending it all on hookers and blow! 60-year-old me: I could use some socks. Maybe an electric razor, if I can find one on sale…
Saw a recipe recently for ‘Horseradish Orange Barley Risotto with Coffee-Marinated Shiitake Mushrooms.’ I know some people are having a hard time in quarantine, but if you ever feel a need to combine five random ingredients and call it ‘risotto,’ please reach out to someone.
Real headline: “People Are Crocheting Tiny…Couches For Their Felines.” No, they’re not. It’s not a thing. And if it IS a thing, those ‘people’ need to be punched in the face. Seriously. They are right below Nazis and antivaxxers on my ‘punch them in the face’ list.
People are going a little stir-crazy at this point in the pandemic… I have a friend who is thinking of committing a home invasion just so he can talk to a stranger.
My burrito had oddly precise instructions–“Microwave for 1 minute and 13 SECONDS on each side.” I imagine the folks at Tina’s argued about this: “1:10–not enough. 1:15? Too much!” Of course how humiliating would it be to DIE because you didn’t follow directions on a microwave burrito?
Do you ever watch an improv show and think, “Hey, here’s an idea! What if you guys wrote some shit down in advance…you know, some funny things. That way, you could use them during your show in case you wanted it to be… funny.” #badimprov #improv
.@britneyspears on torching her home gym: “I had two candles, and one thing led to another, and I burned it down.” A lot to unpack here, but I have to thank #BritneySpears for always setting the “hot mess” bar just high enough that I somehow feel better about myself.
@CNN says #Pentagon Releases UFO Videos… Rep for Sen. @MarkWarner— “Senator Warner wants answers. It doesn’t matter if it’s weather balloons, little green men, or something else” IT DOESN’T? Just saying, if it’s ‘little green men,’ that’s kind of a big deal.
So, I’m in this phase of quarantine: <looks at Craigslist “free stuff”>
Me: There are so many things I need…
Also Me: Someone’s giving away a trampoline!
Me: But I don’t NEED a– Also Me: It’s free…
Me: <wonders if it could be repurposed as some sort of really bouncy table>
I asked a neighbor what she was doing with the rest of her day, and she said, “Either taking a nap or having nachos,” and that felt like the most 2020 response possible.
Can’t believe people don’t GET that the president was being sarcastic; that, in fact, he has such a dry wit and such a sharp mind and such perfect ti– No, wait…that was ME being sarcastic.
And the Lord said, “Imma bounce,” and verily He did bounce, and there was confusion throughout the land.
It’s sad that I see a Facebook post that only says “Oh My God” and immediately KNOW that they’re referring to a presidential press conference.
There is a direct correlation between the amount weed smoked and the number of meals consumed while standing next to the refrigerator.
speaking about @realDonaldTrump —
Dr. Fauci: “I can’t jump in front of the microphone and push him down.”
Everyone else in the country: “Sure…probably not, but…could you…maybe…try?
Just discovered potato bread. Apparently it’s for people who want carbs, but can’t decide WHICH carbs.
Me: Do I want potatoees or bread?
Also me: Yes
Biggest miscalculation by @MikeBloomberg was when he explained that the presidency is a management position… Because nothing engages the spirit and inspires the heart more than…managers.
It’s probably a good thing that presidential candidates don’t have lockers…I’m pretty sure #MayorPete would have been shoved into his by now.
Hot take: the reason more people aren’t alarmed by the latest #DoomsdayClock announcement is because they’re still using an analog clock. Nobody knows how to read those things anymore.
I wonder if, when aides told him the full House would be voting on his impeachment, #Trump thought they meant the CAST of ‘Full House.’ “I figured I’d just pay #LoriLoughlin and the #Olsentwins a bunch of money to make it go away.”
Russia has been banned from the next Olympics and the next World Cup, but will still be allowed to compete in the 2020 US presidential election.
North Korea warns United States to expect a ‘Christmas gift.’ We all know it’ll probably be just a gift card–it’s not like tyrannical dictators take the time to figure out what we really want.
Slideshow on CNN website headlined, “See Presidents struggle with umbrellas over the years.” Astute political analysis there, @cnn … Truly the news source we deserve.
I think we have finally reached peak-2019 with this @cnn headline: “Mysterious ‘blob’ that caused White House lockdown baffles security officials.” Happy Thanksgiving!
Sure, @facebook might have played a significant part in the election of the worst president in American history, but I think it’s much more important that they have finally changed the spacing of the letters in their logo.
Just saw that @SenSanders wants to get rid of all billionaires. Great. Just when I was planning to become one. Guess I’ll have to rethink my whole financial strategy. And with my SSI, plus a few hundred dollars a year from my books and shows, I was THIS close.
Watching #ThePurgeTV on Hulu, and there’s an ad saying it’s “sponsored by” #DowntonAbbeyFilm Look, I get cross-promotion, but do these two fanbases overlap at all? Is there a crossover episode coming? TBH, though, it would be cool to see The Abbey get attacked on Purge Night.
Quick dietary question for my friends who have cut out carbs… Can I have your carbs? I freaking love carbs. If I were on death row, I would want my last meal to be pasta and mashed potatoes in a bread bowl.
Hasbro Toys has bought Death Row Records, because nothing says ‘gangsta’ like My Little Pony. Just in time for Christmas, be sure to look for “MC Potato Hed,” “Tha OG Kabbage Kidz,” and a new record from Snoop Zordon.
It’s really sad that “Fidel Castro’s Crocodile Biites Man At Party” isn’t the strangest headline I saw on CNN today.
If Rage Against The Machine ever gets back together, they should do a new version of ‘Guerilla Radio’: “Lights on! I hate the radio! Turn that shit off!”
I think it’s just great that NASA wants to go back to the Moon, because, with the latest technology, we will be able to view amazing images of where that money should have been spent on Earth.
Orange golem: “I’m the first American president to have Russian fighters flying over Washington.” Me: “Ooh! Can I play! OK… I’m the first person in my family to contract flesh eating bacteria! Did I win? We WERE making up the most ignorant things we could say, right?”
I’m not saying that Townsend and Daltrey irreparably damaged The Who’s legacy by appearing on Fallon–wait–my mistake. That’s exactly what I’m saying.
Actual headline from Newsweek: “Something Appears To Have Ripped A Hole In The Milky Way And Scientists Don’t Know What” Anyway, enjoy your day!
Seriously? DeBlasio, too? Enough! I’m sorry, but there are now more people running for the Democratic nomination than have performed on stage as Arcade Fire.
I’m trying to think of a specific word that means, “trying to think of a specific word.”
CNN: Man allegedly ran sex trafficking ring out of parents’ basement. Everyone who doesn’t live in their parents’ basement: Yeah, that sounds about right Men living in their parents’ basements: C’mon dude. You’re making us all look bad.
I just learned that there is a Toto cover band. I guess for all those people who have been really sad because they never got to see the legendary Toto back in the day.
Saw the headline “Tyler Perry explains why he’s retiring beloved Madea character” and I was so hoping he would say, “Because she perpetuates stereotypes about African-Americans and women with easy, low-brow comedy, and I’m frankly embarrassed they’ve made so much money,” but no.
Bill Gates hosted something called the “Reinvented Toilet Expo” in Beijing… Great, now I’m imagining that I really need to go, but I have to wait, because the toilet is downloading an update. Also, that’s the last place I want to see the ‘blue screen of death.’
So, I just got a follow from @UFO_Activities . Never interacted with them before. This can only mean: 1) The mothership, hidden by advanced stealth tech, is nearby and calling me back to my home planet 2) … There is no other logical explanation. Later, suckers!
Me, in a self-reflective moment: My life needs more pizazz.
Autocorrect: “My life needs more pizz
Me: You’re right, that’s what I meant.
“In a key sentence in my remarks, I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t.'” Yeah, Donnie, I totally get it. Who wouldn’t get confused, when one word means one thing, and the other means the exact opposite? Like ‘traitor,’ and ‘patriot.’ “I know all the best words.”
‘Grumpitasking’: The ability to be irritated by, and cranky at, several things simultaneously.
Starting to wonder if I’m too needy… I just bought a bunch of bumper stickers that say, “Honk If You Love ME.” And I don’t have a car.
”Scott Pruitt’s Ritz-Carlton moisturizing lotion scandal, explained.” Thanks, @voxdotcom. I feel like we all had a good understanding of the 137 more IMPORTANT scandals of this administration–grateful for your bravery in exposing the EPA guy’s hand cream fetish.
Two unrelated headlines today: “Nearly 100 women suffered under dancing doctor’s scalpel” “Dancing FBI agent accidentally shoots man after doing a backflip” I think they took that whole “Dance like nobody’s watching” thing a little too seriously…
Fun inside my head!
Old white men are the problem.
I’m an old white man.
Well, it’s not like I’m one of THOSE old white men.
That’s exactly what those old white men think.
I should smoke more pot.
CNN piece about White House drama mentions “a web of vendettas and…skullduggery.” I get it now–‘America’ is simply a figment of Tom Clancy’s imagination– he’s making it up as he goes along, & we don’t actually exist! We’re all characters in his next novel! I feel much better.
I may be missing something here because I’m not a football fan, but I think the announcer just said one of the players is a former dolphin. I knew dolphins were intelligent, but that’s really impressive, for one to make it into professional football.
Asking a question on Facebook instead of searching online is like owning every encyclopedia in the world, but instead checking to see if any of your friends happen to know the answer. #justlookitup
I’m officially old. I was at a club and overheard a group of kids talking about when they graduated. When I heard one of them say, “2016,” my first thought was “Cool! Time travelers from the future!” Because it’s not possible that anybody actually graduated in 2016.
One of the teams at Pub trivia night consisted of one guy with a doctorate in philosophy and another with a doctorate in astrophysics. Not cool. Although it would be cool if it turns out that they spent $180,000 on their degrees JUST so they could win some appetizers and beer.
As a comedy writer, I don’t need 280 characters. Comedy is all about being concise, and not wasting time with unnecessary words. It’s really about brevity. The shorter the better. Especially on Twitter. So there’s no possible way I’m going to need 280 characters to
Now that the progressive paradise of Syria has signed the climate accord, we’re all alone! We’re #1! American exceptionalism – yay!
2 the guy asking WHERE in FL ppl are “so we can send prayers to you”-pretty sure u can just send them 2 FL in general. It’s not like mail.
Coming down with something–I’ve been speaking in different accents and playing fully realized characters. I must have Streep throat.
I imagine that, with every story about @realDonaldTrump , the descendants of President James Buchanan drink celebratory shots.
According to @realDonaldTrump, he was going to cancel the Sun for an hour or two today anyway…
Hey–idiots in Virginia– y’all do realize that the dude whose statue you’re trying to defend actually surrendered, right?
@cnnbrk reports Russian jet flew over sites incl. “Mt. Weather, one of the US government’s secret relocation bunkers.” Uh, not anymore…
KCNA via CNN: “Nonsense” from Trump is “extremely getting on the nerves of…the Korean People’s Army.” We know how you feel, guys.
@Scaramucci tweeting “full transparency” in a tweet about deleting old tweets is like…Nope. All out of analogies.
@realDonaldTrump: “At what point do they start laughing at us as a country?” Since you put it out there, I’m gonna say… November 9, 2016?
Since his communication director quit, @realDonaldTrump is now just combining random letters and hoping they end up being words.
Not surprising – people cancelling their Iowa vacations because of Steve King’s words. What IS surprising is that people plan Iowa vacations
Sadly, HuffPo, with ‘Grave New World,’ has now used all its puns. Staff scrambling to learn how to write actual news headlines.
AP headline: “Military bands to march to White House.” Didn’t see ‘bands,’ thought maybe Trump had been deposed.
DC pot group will randomly hand out joints during #Inauguration to people who will then march on the Mall. Slowly, & not in a straight line.
Anyone ever ask a question for a friend when you were really asking for yourself? Asking for a friend.
Apparently, Reese’s makes peanut butter cups FILLED WITH Reese’s Pieces. It’s meta cand!. Perfect for indecisive stoners!
I have decided to teach myself how to play bridge, simply so that I’ll have more opportunities to say “No Trump.”
I like to think that, after leaving office, @POTUS @BarackObama will open a pot dispensary called “Yes We Cannabis.”
GPS told me “Turn left in a thousand feet,’ not knowing that I can’t judge distance. Joke’s on you, robot voice. Might as well have said “Turn left in three parsecs.”
A guy jumped from a plane at 25,000 ft. into a 100-foot net without a chute. I’d do that too, but now it’d just look like I was copying him.
John Hinckley, Jr. being released…@realDonaldTrump plans to appoint him head of ATF, pending approval from Putin.
Worst thing about the conventions- the fact that ‘divisive’ is apparently now pronounced with a short ‘i’ sound in the middle.
@GovGaryJohnson will cut back on pot, doesn’t want to answer “that red phone” stoned. See, if I were prez, I’d just get high and ignore the phone.
Sign that I’m not a foodie? Dinner choice tonight was based on microwave time. Burrito–2:15. Lasagna–12:00. Guess it’s Mexican night!
Only fans of Kaine as HRC VP are headline writers looking 4 easy puns: “Kaine Mutiny” “Raising Kaine” “Is Kaine Able?” The PUNdits approve.
You know you’re a writer when you still get excited to learn a new word. Just learned “Manichean,” and I fully intend to use it.
So, some Kardashian was upset at ‘the latest Lamar Odom incident.’ Proud to say that I have no idea what the latest Lamar Odom incident WAS.
@SenSanders sez “it appears” he won’t be Dem nom. It’s getting creepy, like you’re stalking the Party. She’s just not that into you, dude.
@SenSanders sez “it doesn’t appear” he’ll be Dem nominee–like me saying my book “probably” won’t win Nobel Prize.
TV schadenfreude: fave part of #AntiquesRoadshow is when someone finds out the thing they brought 2 the show is actually worthless. Just me?
Kinda cool that Chris Martin was willing to be in a montage showing all the Super Bowl musicians that have been better than Coldplay. #SB50
I’m 55 years old, and I am binge watching Gilmore Girls unironically.
Look before you leap. Then, look again. Now, ask yourself whether leaping is still a good idea, in an existential sense.
A.I. won’t scare me as long as my phone thinks “on a smoke break” is “on The Smokewreck.” That’s not even a thing, Siri.
Headline: “KY Inmates Escape, Fashioning Sheets Into Ropes.” Fleeing the prison, they could be heard yelling, “I can’t believe that WORKED!”
Just heard Duran Duran’s ‘Rio’ fo the first time in years, and there’s a sax solo, in case you wondered what smooth jazz and new wave would sound like played at the same time.
@realDonaldTrump says 14th Amendment is ‘unconstitutional,’ which is odd, since it’s the 14th amendment TO THE CONSTITUTION.
Jeans can be cool. Shorts can be cool. So explain to me why jean shorts aren’t cool.
A neighborhood kid hadn’t seen me with my cane before and asked, “Why are you old now?” Ah, the refreshing honesty of children.
New Ice Age in 2030. If we combine that with the effects of global warming, we will enter an age scientists will call the Lukewarm Era.
Spent an hour online & saw no mention of @amyschumer or @foofightersDave. Was scared because I thought the internet was broken.
According to @realDonaldTrump , he’s worth $10 billion. So, we sell him to China as partial payment on our debt to them.
I just harnessed the power of the web to search for… “penguin webcams.” Yeah, that’s what the developers of the internet had in mind.
My next book will consist entirely of emoji, pictures, & lists. It will become the most popular book in all the land.
Hey 2nd Amendment folks: We don’t want to take away your guns – we just want you to stop pointing them at people and shooting.
I dictate text into my phone so often that now I SAY the words ‘comma’ and ‘period’ when I’m talking to someone in person.
Wiz Khalifa was born in Minot, ND. Funny, but I don’t remember seeing any billboards commemorating that the last time I was there.
Drug ad warning says tell your doctor if you have liver or kidney problems. isn’t that backwards? Shouldn’t my doctor be telling me?
You know, AlexTrebek, I realize that you’re just pronouncing French words correctly, but it always feels like you’re mocking us. @Jeopardy
I would probably use emoji more often in my messages, have yet to find one that accurately portrays ‘existential angst.’
I know it’s named after an actual person, but calling your town ‘Boring’ is sorta like naming your first child “Loser.”
My scanner program gives me this message: “Preparing to scan…” Shouldn’t it already BE prepared to scan? That’s the only thing it does.
Worried that i’ve stopped watching cat videos IRONICALLY, and I’m now just..watching cat videos.
Wanted to do this, that, and the other thing today, but maybe ‘this’ and ‘that’ is enough for one day. I can do the other thing later.
Big group of crows in the trees now. Can’t think of what you call a group of crows. It’s killing me. Intentionally killing me.
In honor of the tradition of our Pilgrim forefathers, I am watching Lady Gaga and the Muppets.
The Sun told me, “Look how bright I am! Come outside, it’s beautiful!” No. No, it’s not. It’s still cold. Stupid, lying Sun.
Just told a neighbor gal who was coming back from a run, “You need to put more clothes on.” 1st time I’ve ever said that to a woman.
Only thing worse than hearing bagpipe music is playing the bagpipes, because then you’re even closer to the bagpipe music.
The drum and bagpipes corps that has inexplicably started playing a few blocks from me is REALLY harshing my mellow.
I knew a dancer once known as Anna Phylaxis. She would take your breath away and leave you with an itchy rash.
If you’re still using the phrase ‘then the terrorists win,’ then the terrorists have won.
Illinois House overrides Gov’s veto on conceal-carry law. Because if any city needs more hidden guns it’s Chicago.
As I’ve gotten to know a friend better over the years, I realize he’s like an onion. Smells bad, upsets my stomach, makes me cry sometimes.
Best album title ever in the history of recorded music… Big Sam McClain, “Too Much Jesus, Not Enough Whiskey.”
Most inappropriate use of a euphemism: Local CBS reporter @ Santa Monica College crime scene –“The killer has apparently ‘passed away.'”
Scientists name prehistoric lizard after Jim Morrison. It died out 40 million yrs ago, but some some fans think it faked its own extinction.
Learned I’ve been using ‘exalt’ and ‘exult’ wrong or interchangeably my entire adult life. I owe so many people an apology.
6 pills a day, fiber in the morning, hip and knee hurt, and I should clean my bifocals. Not sure who my real dad is, but ‘ve turned into him
Does it make anyone else sad to realize that the phrase “common parlance” is no longer in common parlance?
To our neighbors on our floor of the apt. bldg–sorry to fry up so many latkes, making the entire hallway smell vaguely like Eastern Europe.
#BurgerKing apologized to followers for fake tweets. If you’re following a fast food chain on Twitter, you’re the one who should apologize.
Memo to hipsters in my neighborhood: The ‘Zach Galifianakis’ beard really only works for Zach Galifianakis.
Turns out, my insurance won’t cover having a research laboratory design a heated unbreakable exoskeleton for me to wear in the winter.
One positive about my disabilities: I could star in a sequel to that Daniel Day Lewis film–call it “My Entire Left Leg”
I’ve always dreamed of correctly using the word ‘jejune’ in a sentence. Wait–I just did. That sentence counts, right?
Prez to release ‘concrete’ gun plan. Finally, a gun proposal I can support–make ’em all out of concrete! Then they’d be harder to carry.
MN headshop owner busted by Feds. Feel bad, but c’mon, guy ran 4 PREZ. on GRASSROOTS PARTY tkt! Customers need 2 explain ‘stealth’ 2 him.
Why bother with cream of mushroom soup, milk, and green beans when you can eat the fried onions right out of the can?
US Postal Service to lose $16 billion…in related news–buggy makers, lamplighters and pinsetters expect declining revenue.
Based on early exit polls, it looks like the president will carry our entire apartment building.
It’s gotta be disheartening to lose both the state you governed for 2 terms and the state you were born in within the first hour.
Based on the electoral map now, CNN has declared Mitt Romney President of the Confederate States of America.
Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his Tour de France titles. This could cost pro cycling dozens of fans worldwide.
“Binders Full of Women.” Worst porn movie title EVER.
Instead of ignoring questions from moderator, ‘town hall’ format forces candidates to ignore questions from actual voters.
I want #Biden to be VP no matter who wins. Seriously. Vice-President for life.
It must be difficult to be a hipster in the winter, since your wool hat loses all its irony.
Wildlife officials say the 2012 duck season got off to “a good start” today. Duck representatives were unavailable for comment.
Brits: Thx for reminding us that you invented air pollution with your ‘Tribute to Smokestacks.’ Signed, Rest of the World
1000+ yrs of UK history to fit into opening ceremony and MARY POPPINS makes the cut? And THAT’S why England is no longer a world power.
Media–stop calling Nugent a ‘rocker’…if your fans are Tea Party members & 50 yr olds w/ thinning mullets, you’re not ‘rocking’ anymore.
I find that I grow as a person if I set goals for myself every day. So today, if I leave a voicemail, I vow to press ‘1’ for more options.
Found new meatloaf recipe–w/ raisins! Made big deal about it to GF. Forgot to add raisins. Just making meatloaf now. With a side of raisins.
Homemade cannon kills woman in CA…sure someone will claim 2nd Amendment applies…If cannons are outlawed, only outlaws will have cannons.
New poll–70% of Americans agree with Rick Santorum that Satan is real…coincidentally, 70% of residents of Hell believe in Rick Santorum.
Monaco’s prince punched in face in NYC bar brawl. A New York bar fight. Not the best time to play your “I’m the Prince of Monaco” card.
Actor who played Cemetary Zombie in orig. ‘Night of the Living Dead,’ died today. Then, the coroner shot him in the head, just to be sure.
Herman Cain endorsed Newt Gingrich; in return Gingrich promised Cain a top-level position at our embassy on the Moon.
#Gingrich wants colony on the moon by 2020, says it will “provide jobs for lazy children so they can stop being so poor.”
Don’t get too excited, South Carolina. #Gingrich has already made plans to leave you for a younger, prettier state.
In wake of South Carolina debate, #Gingrich forms exploratory committee to look at run for president of the Confederacy #p2 #bendingnews
U.S. econ. gains 200,000 jobs–growth is expected to be temporary though, as 47,352 of those jobs are in the ‘TV political analysis’ sector.
Cain wants to “lighten his campaign load.” That way he can spread out his wrong ideas over the next few months and not use them all at once.
Rick Santorum blames Obama for Afghan bombing…apparently he couldn’t figure out a way to blame gays and lesbians for it.
So sad–Rep.McCotter drops out of GOP race. Someday I’ll live in a country where even people named ‘Thaddeus’ can become president.
BRKG NEWS–Nationwide, SAT reading scores drop 2 lowest ever. IMHO, if u RBTL, reason may b 2 many ppl txting and tweeting. ICBW, tho.
Khaddafi’s (sp?) son says he will “fight to the death.” Libyan rebels, rest of world says, “OK.”
Government blocks takeover of T-Mobile by AT&T. In related news, government plans to take over AT&T and T-Mobile
Ex-VP Cheney says new book will “have heads exploding”…after waterboarding, should you really be using that metaphor, Lex Luthor?
I have a new DVD–I call it “MRIs and Brain Scans”–the album dropped this week, as the kids say…maybe I’ll have a release party…
Chinese basketball team in brawl with team representing U.S….must have started because our team asked them if we could borrow some money.
More bad economic news–Due to U.S. credit rating, Capitol One has declined to issue the country a card. “What’s in YOUR treasury?”
SHOWBIZ news: James Franco will appear in every film released from now on; will be digitally added to all earlier movie.
Obama signs debt deal, unaware that buried on page 14 is a section entitled “Now Here’s How We Screw People Over.”
Take all the members of Congress, lock them in a bunker, and leave them there. Doesn’t resolve the debt crisis–it’s just a good idea
The Girlfriend and I have voted overwhelmingly to raise our debt ceiling with Visa, but the other side doesn’t seem willing to compromise.
China unhappy about Obama mtg. with #DalaiLama. Sort of like owing someone a ton of money, then hanging out with their ex.
MN govt. shutdown ends with deal; legislature agrees to sell corporate naming rights–starting next year state will be known as Targetland.
BREAKING NEWS: Dominique Strauss-Kahn released from prison, announces intention to enter primaries as #GOP presidential candidate.
Rep. McCotter (MI) becomes 10th GOP pres. candidate; pundits agree he could potentially siphon supporters away from Herman Cain.
Not sure even Justin Timberlake can make #MySpace relevant again–put it this way, I found out about the sale on Facebook.
Obama still won’t back gay marriage, unveils new slogan for 2012: “Nominally Committed to Barely Noticeable Change”
#Winklevoss twins ‘settle’ for $20 Mil + over $100 Mil in stock–will use money to make movie about how freaking lucky they are.
This date in 1782: Congress adopts Great Seal of the U.S.; #Palin hopes to pet it when she takes tour bus to National Aquarium.
Canadian rioters arrested, charged with “being part of an oxymoron.”
First #GOP debate tonight, with seven candidates–intellectually speaking, shouldn’t the moderator be Snow White?
This date, 1945–Adrienne Barbeau is born. C’mon people–“Swamp Thing”? “The Fog”? …”Maude”? I had her poster in my dorm room.
Emails released by #sarahpalinusa reveal that she tried several times to warn the British about Paul Revere.
Looking forward to #GOP prez debate–it’ll be pander-monium!
U.S. reports death of Al Qaida ‘operations chief, leaving them with just their treasurer and their reporter-historian.
Fitting that on the day #Kevorkian dies, the plug is pulled on #JohnEdwards career. Except this was unassisted suicide.
Possible slogans: PALIN 2012–For When You’ve Given Up On The Process Entirely And Finally Said ‘Screw It.’
This date, 1854-Kansas-Nebraska Act passes, officially declaring that Kansas and Nebraska are really the same place. Congrats, Kanbraskans!
After attack, #Sony still trying to get #Playstation working everywhere; some customers may have to leave their basements and get jobs.
On this date in 1925, Scopes indicted in TN for teaching #evolution, proving TN has always been at the forefront of backwards legislation.
AP reports #kirstiealley lost 38 inches since #DWTS started…i don’t watch the show, but wouldn’t that make her about two feet tall? Weird.
I always get #pawlenty and polenta confused–which one is bland cornmeal mush?
New research suggests that in the #rapture, god will take people who literally believe in bible prophecies up to heaven, and then slap them.
Even if I agreed with #newtgingrich on the issues, I couldn’t commit to him, knowing he’d just leave us for a younger, prettier country.
#charliesheen quoted as saying “Two and a Half Men” will ‘tank’ without him; rest of Universe quoted as saying “Who’s Charlie Sheen?”
Getting hacked online is this century’s version of finding out you have an std…”Ya know, since i linked to you, you should get checked”
May 3, 2011
New Mel Gibson movie to help change his image? true, now we can see him as an alcoholic racist antisemitic homophobe with a hand puppet.
After Bin Laden killed, Huckabee says “Welcome to Hell”; I never knew Hell had a doorman, but MHuck is perfect for the job…
Watched a chamber orchestra last night…looking for a monster truck rally today just to balance things out.
Cooking while watching a musical–my place now smells like meatloaf and sounds like west side story…better than the other way around?…
For Halloween, Lieberman will dress up as an ‘Independant,’ but that’s like saying a kid with an eye-patch is dressed like a pirate.
Back online after 40 horrifying hrs without internet access…i feel like i understand the Amish much better now…
Worked out this afternoon, if, by working out, you mean walking to the corner because I was out of cigarettes…it’s all semantics.
I’m on twitter and facebook, have three email accounts, and two phones…yet oddly enough, i’ve got nothing to say.
Torn between doing laundry and just buying new clothes…
40th anniversary of moon landing next week–guy i felt sorry for was michael collins–he basically dto DRIVE his friends to the moon…
I think i have Restless Brain Syndrome.
on this date in 1964, the independent nation of Malawi was formed…where were the fireworks for that? This country is so self-centered.
Changed all my passwords after annoying phishing attack. Would have rather been attacked by the band ‘Phish.’
you know, if i GOT fifteen minutes of fame, i’d probably just piss 10 of them away playing Scrabble on Facebook…
Getting my facebook username in less than an hour…i hope guywhoshouldbedoingsomethingotherthanwastingtimeonfacebook is available.
I’m trying to figure out why I would want to use Twitter–I’m already on Facebook–just how connected do I need to be?
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