how does this work again?

I am extraordinarily lucky to  have found ‘the girlfriend.’  I had pretty much given up on the partner thing, since prior to connecting with She Who Tolerates Me, I hadn’t had sex in five years. While I’d like to attribute this to my incredibly high standards, there may in fact be other reasons for this drought.

When I was a younger man, I filled these dry spells with soul-searching, personal growth work, and porn. I never went to strip clubs, because I never understood the point—let’s, see, I’m lonely, and would really like to be with a woman, so I think I’ll go to a place that charges me a lot of money to LOOK AT what I want, which will get me excited, but I won’t be able to do anything about it. Sorta like being really hungry and going to a restaurant where the waiters SHOW you plates of food that you can’t eat.

Unfortunately, porn doesn’t do much for me, because the internet has made it too complicated. Used to be, you’d grab a magazine, and see pictures of people having sex. But while looking at those pictures, you didn’t have to deal with other pictures ‘popping up’ to get you to look at new pictures. I’m just saying, when the mood is just right, call me old-fashioned, but I like to focus on the couple I’m watching pretend to have sex.

There are also too many options with internet porn. I realize the spectrum of human sexuality is diverse, but are you kidding me? Two men, three woman, and an some kind of…sling? See I think what makes porn work is when the viewer can, at least on some level, imagine himself to be in the scene. Me, I’ve never mentally put myself in a sling.

The problem is that men get bored so easily with our simple man-minds, we have to keep making up new, more ‘out there’ types of porn. First it’s threesomes, then orgies, and all of a sudden we’ve got somebody with a camcorder uploading videos of alpacas masturbating.

You’d think, being bisexual, life would be a veritable Satyricon for me—a sexual smorgasbord. But no, it just means I can go into ANY bar and go home alone. By the way, I hate the term ‘bisexual.’ It sounds too clinical. I prefer my Native American name–”Dance With Anyone.” Or you could call me “donnyandmarie,” because I’m a little bit country AND a little bit rock and roll.

Before the girlfriend, the last time I had been in an actual relationship, Heather Locklear was starring in a series. Turns out, my sex life actually paralleled Heather Locklear’s career. I got laid a lot from 1981-1989 (’Melrose Place’ and ‘T.J. Hooker’), not so much from 1999-2002 (’Spin City’), and once in 2004 (’LAX’).  So until the lovely Miss Locklear gets another gig, I’m gonna have to find some way to get back in circulation.

I have thought about placing a personal ad, but I’m not sure I’m very ‘marketable.’

Forty-eight year old struggling writer and standup comic with limp seeks partner to share couch at friend’s apartment. Does not drive. Hobbies include playing the clarinet and blogging.

I’ve read that you can make romantic connections in places other than bars. But where? I’m Jewish, so I could cruise synagogues, but it always felt a little weird flirting with someone at a house of worship–I mean, God’s right there , for God’s sake. And I’ve heard that grocery stores are possibilities, but I’m not sure how you start that conversation (”I see you eat food, too. Maybe we should hook up.”)

It had been so long since I had sex, I wasn’t even sure if it worked the same way. Like they had developed some sort of…Sex 2.0 that I didn’t know about. I’m happy to report that it’s exactly the same as I remembered it, although I have  had to retire a few of my moves.

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Posted 7 May 2011 by goodwriting in category "COMEDY

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