Mister Comedy

(INTERIOR, secret DNC bunker located beneath a D.C. pizza parlor)

TOM PEREZ: Alright, people—I’ll get right to it…where are we with Project Bubble Wrap?

Technician: Well, we have him wrapped as tightly as we can, so he can’t inappropriately touch anyone, but he still seems to be able to talk, so…

TP: Goddammit! We’ve only got a few months before the election! We can’t keep risking a gaffe every time he tries to reach out! He told an LGBT fundraiser that, quote, “if you people like musicals as much as I think you do, you won’t vote for the orange man!” And then he winked! It was creepy! I think we have to activate. . . . ‘Protocol Cryo!”

Tech: (terrified) But…it’s never been tried! We don’t know what will happen if—

TP: I don’t care! This party cannot lose to that creamicle-colored ignoramus again! Not on my watch! Continue reading

I’m sure everybody’s quarantine experience is different, and all of us are dealing with it in our own ways.  As I try to process this weird time, I’m not even sure what to call it—although I think historians will call it the Great Toilet Paper Panic.  Seriously, people—if you need thirty-six rolls of toilet paper for a three-month-long lockdown, you’ve got other health issues that you should have addressed before Covid-19. Continue reading

I don’t have many rules about what I eat, but every day, I try to have some protein, some fiber, and something green. The ‘something green’ is usually a vegetable, since I have recently learned that sour green apple Starbursts, while green, are not technically food.

For today’s protein, I chose something with a high risk factor, that’s challenging to prepare, and something that, under normal circumstances, I would avoid. Continue reading