In late April of 2020, the Pentagon released footage of “unidentified aerial phenomena,” indicating to some that extraterrestrial life forms may have attempted to contact humans.
Now, audio has leaked which appears to be from an alien ship, recorded as it entered Earth’s atmosphere. We have gained access to this classified transcript of an exchange between two aliens, discussing their mission. The aliens appear to be named ‘Blorg’ and ‘Kevin.’ The transcript has been translated from the original alien language. Continue reading
(INTERIOR, secret DNC bunker located beneath a D.C. pizza parlor)
TOM PEREZ: Alright, people—I’ll get right to it…where are we with Project Bubble Wrap?
Technician: Well, we have him wrapped as tightly as we can, so he can’t inappropriately touch anyone, but he still seems to be able to talk, so…
TP: Goddammit! We’ve only got a few months before the election! We can’t keep risking a gaffe every time he tries to reach out! He told an LGBT fundraiser that, quote, “if you people like musicals as much as I think you do, you won’t vote for the orange man!” And then he winked! It was creepy! I think we have to activate. . . . ‘Protocol Cryo!”
Tech: (terrified) But…it’s never been tried! We don’t know what will happen if—
TP: I don’t care! This party cannot lose to that creamicle-colored ignoramus again! Not on my watch! Continue reading
I’m sure everybody’s quarantine experience is different, and all of us are dealing with it in our own ways. As I try to process this weird time, I’m not even sure what to call it—although I think historians will call it the Great Toilet Paper Panic. Seriously, people—if you need thirty-six rolls of toilet paper for a three-month-long lockdown, you’ve got other health issues that you should have addressed before Covid-19. Continue reading