ALIENS VISIT EARTH! (and then decide to leave)

In late April of 2020, the Pentagon released footage of “unidentified aerial phenomena,” indicating to some that extraterrestrial life forms may have attempted to contact humans.

Now, audio has leaked which appears to be from an alien ship, recorded as it entered Earth’s atmosphere. We have gained access to this classified transcript of an exchange between two aliens, discussing their mission. The aliens appear to be named ‘Blorg’ and ‘Kevin.’ The transcript has been translated from the original alien language.

BLORG: Well, they called us, right?

KEVIN: Sure, but I’m still not sure we should . . . you, know, actually make contact. Maybe we should just observe them for a while?

B: Look, they sent us that cool record—all those humans greeting us—and . .. what’s that thing humans make with sound?

K: Music?

B: That’s it. I seem to recall you liked ‘music’ when you heard it?

K: Well, it was Lady GaGa, so–

(unintelligible—Blorg and Kevin seem to be arguing about Lady GaGa)

K: I just don’t know if the Earth creatures are advanced enough to justify contact. Only one way to find out. Initiate the Planetary Anthro-thermographic Transponder!

(long silence)

K: Well, what are the readings?

B: It needs your password.

K: Fine. Give it to me. Oh that’s right . . . I just changed the password . . . I know (long silence) Got it! Okay. What do you make of the situation on Earth right now?

B: Unclear. Many of the life forms seem to be ill. It’s almost as if they’re all sick from one cause—looks to be some sort of virus.

K: So these life forms . . . they have hospitals, so this is where they are?

B: My first readings seem to suggest that some of these life forms are not allowed access to medical treatment. When I cross-reference by social strata, it seems that an entire class of humans, they are typically called . . . the poor? .. . have no health care whatsoever.

K: But that makes no sense! Wouldn’t their society just collapse if they didn’t tend to the weakest in the group? Well, I’m sure that those who are not being treated are staying safely inside to prevent the virus from spreading?

B: That’s the weird thing. As I scan the hardest-hit areas, it seems that a large percentage of the life forms are in what seem to be . . . taverns! And another large percentage has ventured toward various bodies of water, and are . . .just laying down. Almost as if they’ve given up on finding a cure.

K: Are they at least wearing some protective gear and keeping their distance from each other?

B: Negative. On both vectors.

K: (muttered) Idiot humans.

B: Hold on—now I’m seeing different crowds of the Earthlings gathering together, but they are being attacked by what seems to be a military force. The groups all seem peaceful, but this quasi-military force is firing what seem to be chemical weapons at them. The groups seem angry. Scanning the last several hundred years of Earth history, it appears that the conflict is between humans with different skin tones.

K: Wait. I thought they were all the same species.

B: They are, but apparently the humans with less melatonin believe themselves to be superior to other humans.

K: Have they at least sent in the Dispute Resolution Teams, or the Crisis Conselors?

B: So far, no. Just the humans with military weapons. Oh My Zorb! Look at this! (unintelligible) Do you see them?

K: Are those . . . murder hornets? We need to leave Earth’s orbit NOW! There is no way Earthlings are prepared for murder hornets! Those things creep me out! I told you they weren’t ready for contact!

B: It’s just that they reached out to us, but it does feel like . . . they’re . . . going through a lot right now. Like maybe now isn’t the best time to drop in on Earth? I’m just sayin.’

K: Yeah, you’re right. We could always come back another time.

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The DNC Has An Idea..

(INTERIOR, secret DNC bunker located beneath a D.C. pizza parlor)

TOM PEREZ: Alright, people—I’ll get right to it…where are we with Project Bubble Wrap?

Technician: Well, we have him wrapped as tightly as we can, so he can’t inappropriately touch anyone, but he still seems to be able to talk, so…

TP: Goddammit! We’ve only got a few months before the election! We can’t keep risking a gaffe every time he tries to reach out! He told an LGBT fundraiser that, quote, “if you people like musicals as much as I think you do, you won’t vote for the orange man!” And then he winked! It was creepy! I think we have to activate. . . . ‘Protocol Cryo!”

Tech: (terrified) But…it’s never been tried! We don’t know what will happen if—

TP: I don’t care! This party cannot lose to that creamicle-colored ignoramus again! Not on my watch! Continue reading

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COMEDY in a TIME of PLAGUE

I’m sure everybody’s quarantine experience is different, and all of us are dealing with it in our own ways.  As I try to process this weird time, I’m not even sure what to call it—although I think historians will call it the Great Toilet Paper Panic.  Seriously, people—if you need thirty-six rolls of toilet paper for a three-month-long lockdown, you’ve got other health issues that you should have addressed before Covid-19. Continue reading

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What’s Mikey Making?

I don’t have many rules about what I eat, but every day, I try to have some protein, some fiber, and something green. The ‘something green’ is usually a vegetable, since I have recently learned that sour green apple Starbursts, while green, are not technically food.

For today’s protein, I chose something with a high risk factor, that’s challenging to prepare, and something that, under normal circumstances, I would avoid. Continue reading

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A Holiday Story

As I write this, it’s Christmas Eve, and the third night of Hanukkah It’s also been a night spent thinking about Calvin, and Hobbes. Not the historical figures, although nothing says ‘holiday cheer’ quite like the writings of a dour sixteenth century theologian and a misanthropic seventeenth century philosopher.

Maybe I should back up a bit. I never much liked the comic strip called ‘Calvin and Hobbes,’ but Marrissa loved them. Sorry, I need to back up even more… Continue reading